Non identification with own family?

[StephyMei1112]

I've always felt like this, but lately, more and more so...

I've always felt abit out of place with my family; They're very simple, plain people, I've not really met anyone remotely interesting that was related to me and I've really just never felt accepting of them/that I was accepted by them.

They are a LARGE family - lots of extended relatives so on and so forth. They are highly traditional and religious (Christian) - They expect the younger to blindly highly respect the elderly generation regardless of circumstances, everyone born into the family to conform, and hide the ones that don't underneath the proverbial basement.

When I was born - my dad and mom were not a couple in legal terms as of yet. They got married two months later to "make things look good". For a Chinese-Christian-Uptight family that is backwardly mobile in values, customs, and culture this was a shame and a disgrace. So I was looked apon, treated, and called several times as well a ******* and "wedlock" child. I was a baby, I didn't do anything to earn that. And that bias really just sort of went on for life.

I didn't really give them much of a chance either - my attitude was and still is "F@ck you" towards them. So I'm just as much to blame for how horrid things are today for not approaching them or trying to make myself a little more clearer to them etc.

Anyways...I just really really really can't connect to my family - at all. My parents and brother and I all have a ok "working" relationship; see each other in the mornings before we all dash off to do whatever we need to do, keep it pleasant at the table when we do share meals, perhaps share a laugh or two, they ask about Katalin etc - and that's pretty much all there is to it. My cousin and myself had an understanding till once when he lent me his car my Starbucks drink exploded all over his dashboard - he hasn't spoken to me since. This isn't a phase - it's been like this since I came into existence and I don't think it's changing anytime soon...


Does anyone else happen to have this or something similar going on? and am I terrible for just getting on with other things and not being really interested in pursuing a relationship with them? Thoughts of family relations and that dynamic are welcome too

 

[Fran101]

I think family is earned, not a right. You can certainly make your own and there is nothing about people you are genetically related to that makes the relationship worth pursuing IMO.

People over-estimate the "blood-bond" family thing. There is nothing about people being related genetically that somehow makes them good people, worth being close to etc.. the people who LOVE YOU and are there for you..those are the ones worth keeping close. Not those who happen to share some DNA.

If you want a relationship with them.. then by all means, honestly talk to them about how you feel.
Otherwise? Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it...family and relationships and friends are what you make of them and having a traditional family dynamic isn't as common as you would think

My genetic heritage "family" is HUGE as well..and we do get along. but the people I consider my family includes those genetically related, people I met in school, friends from work etc.. that have grown to be such a huge part of my life that I now consider them family.
and there are people who are related to me (in some cases, VERY closely related) who I DO NOT consider family. at all. and I think that's fine.

The only one that can tell you wether the relationship is worth pursuing is you. But life is short, and if they make you feel like anything less then extraordinary then frankly, I think you deserve better.

 

[Dizzy]

I'm nothing like my family well I am in a lot of ways, but in terms of values, desires, lifestyle, needs etc I'm not. I'm ok with that. We all get along smashingly when I don't live with them, so I'm 4hrs away.

 

[ACooper]

Funny, I just had a very similar conversation with my mother about a week ago. I will repeat some of what I said to her:

DNA does NOT have an affect on my feelings. I am good to those who are good to me, I respect those who respect me, and I can't really love anyone who don't do those two things.

I come from a VERY large family. My mother is 1 of 9, my father was 1 of 5, and most of them had a gaggle of children so my cousins are countless.........and keep in mind, that is just first cousins! I can tell you true, I DO NOT LIKE many of them.........actually, I'm more comfortable with the term MOST.

I have *maybe* 4-5 cousins on my FB page and I've turned down requests from too many to count. I can only imagine the gossip that goes on when I turn them down, don't show for a reunion, and don't show for funerals! Sometimes I don't have to imagine....so and so will tell their mom, their mom will tell my mom, then we have a conversation like this, LOL Life is too short to surround yourself with jackals *shrugs*

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) and also, hearing how they treated you because YOUR PARENTS weren't married? Ya, I wouldn't care what those people thought of me one way or the other.........they could KISS IT!

I love my immediate family very much. I'm very close with my 2 sisters and mother....(my father has passed)......my brothers, well, I love them and we'll leave it there, LOL

As for the relationship with your parents and brother, that can change as you age. I'm going to assume you all four love each other a lot but you feel a bit alienated and seem to have less in common as you've gotten older? (if this is the case) NORMAL IMO, it happens quite often then things shift as you get older and you might find yourself having an awesome relationship with one or more of them once again

 

[crazedACD]

I don't have a lot of extended family, really just grandparents and one aunt and uncle's family. I love my grandparents, they are always very caring, but they do not 'get' the animal thing and tend to make comments that make me bristle. My aunt's family and my uncle's extended family..we get together for holidays and stuff, but it always seems incredibly fake. They try to be the perfect family but A LOT of stuff is swept under the rug. I don't identify with them well but we are pleasant enough towards each other.

I don't have strong immediate family ties...I'm planning on moving across country when I'm able. I love them but I don't feel it necessary to stay close.

Oh..and I have to admit..with my extended family they are always asking if I'm dating someone or whatnot. Of course I've had boyfriends and dated here and there but at this point it is not important to me, at least until I move. I think people have a hard time accepting finding a 'husband' isn't life's biggest interest for me.

 

[Kilter]

I come from a very messed up family. Of course when you grow up with it, it's not always as clear and seems normal.

My mother has a personality disorder, and so does my father. And likely half my siblings. Long story short, with one 'command' from my mother I no longer had any communication from ANY of my six siblings, their spouses or anyone else in the family. Going on six years now. Aside from one brother who swore he just wanted to talk to me only, on facebook, but then turned on a dime and accused me of all sorts of things. He's not on my facebook anymore.

They don't know where I live, my kids don't know about me having any family, they haven't figured that out yet. When they do I'll be honest with them.

But not about to get into that mess and drama anytime soon, I don't want to have to rely on medication or alcohol to stay sane.

 

[~Jessie~]

I think family is earned, not a right. You can certainly make your own and there is nothing about people you are genetically related to that makes the relationship worth pursuing IMO.

People over-estimate the "blood-bond" family thing. There is nothing about people being related genetically that somehow makes them good people, worth being close to etc.. the people who LOVE YOU and are there for you..those are the ones worth keeping close. Not those who happen to share some DNA.

If you want a relationship with them.. then by all means, honestly talk to them about how you feel.
Otherwise? Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it...family and relationships and friends are what you make of them and having a traditional family dynamic isn't as common as you would think

My genetic heritage "family" is HUGE as well..and we do get along. but the people I consider my family includes those genetically related, people I met in school, friends from work etc.. that have grown to be such a huge part of my life that I now consider them family.
and there are people who are related to me (in some cases, VERY closely related) who I DO NOT consider family. at all. and I think that's fine.

The only one that can tell you wether the relationship is worth pursuing is you. But life is short, and if they make you feel like anything less then extraordinary then frankly, I think you deserve better.

I completely agree with this.

Family definitely should be a privilege and not a right. Just because they're related to you doesn't mean that they're good people. Even if they raised you, it still doesn't mean that they deserve to have a relationship with you!

I'm very close with my immediate family. I get along great with my mom and sister. We have a good bit in common and I talk to them all of the time on the phone- they live 3 hours away from me.

I never kept in touch with ANY cousins- I don't have many, but I have nothing in common with any of them. They also all live in New England, so I didn't really grow up with them.

I think it's like this for a lot of people. Just because you share blood doesn't mean that you share anything else!

 

[Kaydee]

Steph, don't know if I ever mentioned it but I adore your avatar!!! Anyway...hey, it's okay...we get our families by chance not choice sometimes, alot off the time actually. I'm blessed to be close to my Dad and my oldest son n' daughter in law, oh and my brother's wife deserves sainthood.
But my Mom has been gone for a long time and the rest of my relatives...meh...some of them are okay. But for the most part I don't know them beyond being fundamentalist hicks. Sorry about that...I suppose my parents moved early on to get away from that small town thinking...this is a good thing.
And the older you get, the less you care really. Relatives pass on, and you can create wonderfully extended family through good friends, I knew best buddie's Mom almost longer than I had my own. And at my niece's wedding I really realized I had broken free of what that side of the family is all about.
I had a light sweater as a coverup for my shoulder tats. Midway through the evening I took it off from the heat, had a glass of wine, and hit the dance floor with my kids...and we had a magic, fantastic, memorable, time together...who gives a rats hindquarters about the people who were harumphing and getting ready to go when Nelly came on???...life is too short

 

[Tortilla]

Just going to echo the whole 'DNA doesn't necessarily make you family' sentiment. I'm very close with my mother and brother- my brother is only 17 months younger than me so we've always been exceptionally close. Our parents' divorce really strengthened our bond because it's something that we endured together. So the three of us live together very happily (most days ).

My mum's family, however, I CANNOT STAND. I love my nana and my mother's two brothers, but their wives and children are really intolerable. They've said and done rude things in the past and it really annoyed me that my mum refused to call them out on anything because 'they're family.' SO WHAT. If someone is going to be disrespectful to me, I WILL stand up for myself, regardless of DNA. My mum always made me feel kind of like I was desensitised to the notion of 'family,' so I'm really glad to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

[Renee750il]

Yes, Stephy.

Ask yourself, if you didn't share some genetic material with them, would you want to know them and invest your time and feelings with them?

 

[JessLough]

My family is HUGE. Like, 8 grandparents huge. My dad was 1 of 9 in his birth family, and 1 of 7 in his adopted family. We talk to 2 of his siblings from both families, and their kids. Other than that, any decency we had with his birth siblings was broken after some horrid things while my grandmother was dying in hospice care.

I dont think its wrong to not like your family... My brother and I are close enough, my sister and I only recently can be in the same room together and have a conversation and keep it civil.

 

[puppydog]

It is truly amazing to me that people allow others to be douche canoes because they are family. Doesn't cut it with me I'm afraid.

 

[-bogart-]

odd one out here , but I grew up with a very tight family , and ever since my nan died they have scattered and I miss it. My children will never know all there cousins growing up and it sickens me really. good / bad / crazy / loving , they are all family and we should look out for each other. Now I only have my sister / mom / dad on my side and chris only has his brother left. only close ones are his brother and my dad. everyone else are on the northshore or in texas. a lot of family traditions have died and it sickens me really that i have let it happen.
Chris and I where talking the other day about this and he is from a huge italian family and it breaks his heart all the time that they have all died out.


sorry kinda rambled on there / but i do agree on cutting ties to toxic people , family or not , and it is all in who you decide is family no blood needed. but we also big on not taking crap from our family members also. we have a problem we fight it out and carry on.
no passive aggressive crap .

 

[CaliTerp07]

I desperately wanted to move cross country for college, and I chose to stay here after graduation. I am 3000 miles away from my family. It's at least 8 hours of plane travel to visit. We see each other once or twice a year for a week at a time.

We get along much better with that distance between us than we would if I lived across the street, I suspect.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes it really, really sucks (like as my grandmother slips into alzheimers, I wish I were there to spend time with her), but I'm definitely not the "favorite child" and it's easier for me to deal with that from a distance.

 

[StephyMei1112]

Thanks everyone, alot =)

Kaydee: Thank you! It's the Japanese deity Inugami. It's a spirit of vengeance/a grudge created from cutting a dog's head off in a certain way but gaining it's obedience by laying food out for it before it's head is chopped off. It's rather uncontrollable and more often than not turns on the handler/owner/summoner. Very much like alot of the dog breeds I like LOL XD.

Indeed my immediate family and I are quite alienated from each other - as time passes it may improve, but we'll see... I do love them - but I don't like them much. There's perhaps a cousin in law or two that is nice, but the rest of my "family" really isn't my crowd at all. A rather odd grand-aunt of mine would always ask me over for supper at her place then in front of everyone admonish the fact that I was a "wedlock" baby and that as a result I should live with a sort of shame/inferiority complex because of it. Yeah, didn't go for dinners there again after...

So that's that I guess - I'm really not interested in striking up any sort of a rapport with them at this stage of things and I'm really exhausted with them as it is...

I have a wonderful family of a few good devoted friends - and that is honestly all I want or need. My grandmother on my mom's side was a kind, gentle, sweet, loving, adventurous, and brave soul - she knew how to live, love and cherish; unfortunately she was gone by the time I was 14, so I had very little time with her.

 

[JacksonsMom]

Awww, I know others who are dealing with the same kind of thing.

For me personally? I'm kind of somewhere in the middle. I'm pretty much opposite of all my close family - I'm a "homebody"... not a party-er, I enjoy history and learning (we had to beg some of our family members to visit Gettysburg with us, and they just don't seem to appreciate the history that goes along with it). I'm not really into fashion, style, clothes or gossip and drama. I'm laid back. My moms side of the family is anything but that.... they're all pretty big drinkers (not, like, alcoholic but they still are big in the going out scene, even in their 30's, 40's, 50's, etc). My grandma and aunt (mom's mother and her sister) are probably the biggest drama queens. Always negative or complaining about something. I tend to be able to ignore most of that stuff.

I actually have a "second" family, who I may not see as much, but I feel closer or more like them. They are not blood, but they might as well be. But it's not that I necessarily love them MORE than my own family. I'm actually close with my own family, if that makes sense. I just learned to appreciate and accept them for who they are. Sure, we're a little dysfunctional but they've all got the biggest hearts. I'm really nothing like them but we tend to do a lot of things together and events, and in the times of tragedy or emergency, we pull together and stick together. Like, when my mom gave birth to my baby sister at the age of 43 (she was a very special baby), my uncle from out of town flew in, my other uncle was there, my aunt, my grandparents (divorced), and we were ALL there at the hospital. That sort of thing we're close.

Oh and this is my moms side of the family I'm talking about (her parents (and step-parents), 2 brothers, 1 sister. We also have a lot of my uncles friends who have become family through the years. So I don't really see any family besides my immediate.

My dads side of the family, however... I have no connection with. Barely. My dads mom has lived out in AZ all my life, so I've grown up seeing her once a year and talking on the phone. I think I'd be a bit closer to her had she lived close. It's kind of unfortunate. She's 73 now and I feel bad that I'm not really close to her. My dads dad lives five minutes down the road, but he's not close to his own father, so in turn... that makes me not very close to him, which is sad too. But he's a horrible communicator and I can't stand to sit there and be bored to death. I'd love to have some great conversations with him, but you just... can't.

Family dynamic is so funny. In actuality, most people are jealous of how cool my family is. So I can't complain too much.