No Bond with Dog?

[FG167]

What do you do if you never bond with a dog? Not talking a puppy that is pooping and peeing all over, but a full grown dog that has been around since puppyhood. Say, you like the dog well enough, but there is just no...bond, no connection. You don't miss the dog when you're gone, you're not excited to see the dog when you're home. In fact, the thought of the dog going to someone who WOULD bond with the dog, makes you more pleased than being with it yourself. There's no abuse, no neglect, no active dislike, in fact you think the dog is quite nice - you just are not bonded. Discuss.

 

[DJEtzel]

I don't have too much of an opinion on it related to other people.

This was the case with my small dog, Bailey, that I rehomed to my parents last fall. I didn't have her from a puppy, though. I adopted her when she was just about a year old, had her for about a year and a half and never really bonded with her. I really liked the thought of her and kept her active, but there was just no real emotional bond and I had been thinking for about 9 months about keeping an eye out for homes for her to be happy elsewhere. Then we had some roommates, more dogs coming and going, and she started getting really snappy, I couldn't take her to the dog park anymore despite no negative dog interactions, and she started snapping at foster puppies of mine, then Sir really bad. My parents watched her and Sir for the summer for me when I was out of a home and my mom was always commenting about Bailey and how she had to keep her separated because all she wanted to do was be nasty and start fights. She was constantly on guard and stressed out and greyed a lot since the time I had her. My parents asked if they could keep her when I was ready to take them back and I couldn't have been more happy.

Now she's a little fat, but healthy and SOOOO much happy and that makes me feel so good. If there are better homes for the dogs where they may bond and be happier than in my home, so be it. I took a lot of flack for rehoming her, but her happiness is more important to me than my popularity. I was even told that someone from the forum would be surprised if I didn't dump another dog for a new shiny puppy in a year or so.. Because, you know, rehoming one dog to family means I'm going to make a habit out of it.

 

[Toller_08]

I gave such a dog back to her breeder.


Actually, if it was just the fact that I didn't feel much of a bond to her, I probably would have kept her longer and worked on it more, just because she was a relatively easy dog in that she didn't need much to keep her happy and I did like her, even loved her enough to cry a lot and almost turned around and kept her, but there really was no real bond and that was tough. But there were other surrounding circumstances - breeder wanting me to do stuff and pay for stuff I never agreed to with a less than stellar quality dog, dog causing issues with my existing dogs because she didn't seem to understand proper body language, plus a few more things. She simply turned out not to be a good fit for myself or my other dogs, and while I would have likely given her a longer chance if not for her breeder making the rules as she went, who knows if I would have kept her a lot longer. That, combined with a lack of any semblance of a bond, helped make my decision to let her find a new home. After the 'honeymoon' period, there was really just nothing between us, as awful as that sounds. It frustrated me a lot, too, because I felt like there was something wrong with me not to be able to connect with her.

Sometimes I feel that it's kinder to rehome a dog if there is no bond there. My bond with my dogs is part of why I enjoy them so much... and if that's lacking, well, it's lacking. And it kind of sucks for the dog and the person in a lot of ways. I felt that this particular dog could find a home that was better suited to her, and that she did! The couple she ended up with absolutely adore her and think she's the best dog ever, and I am so thrilled for her and for them.

 

[Sekah]

I have next to no bond with the Chihuahua. She gets great care because she's easy to take care of and easy to have tag along with Cohen (who is considerably more demanding), but I don't much care for her personality or, well, the rest of her. Too soft, too small, too fragile, too sensitive, too slow to learn, too slow to recover. But, well, she came with my husband and he's not going anywhere. She and Cohen don't have any issues, and, again, she's a really easy dog to care for. So she sticks around and has a pretty fabulous life. I just don't let her sit on my lap.

If I was having trouble bonding with my performance/sport dog I'm not sure what I'd do. Probably work harder to create a bond. I can't say for sure not having lived it.

 

[~Dixie's_Mom~]

That's a hard question to answer and I think a lot of it would have to depend on the situation.

Maybe it's just my history with having to rehome my dogs against my will, but I just don't think I could do it again even if I wasn't bonded to the dog. I can't say of course, but I just have a natural aversion to the idea of rehoming a dog after my personal experiences with it. It tore me up. Still does.

I don't have a bond with Violet like I do with Chloe. She is not the best fit for me. She gets on my nerves a lot, and does things that make me want to kill her half the time, but... I love her. She is my parents dog and when I move out she will not come with me. But if for any reason my parents couldn't handle her, I would take her. It would screw everything up, and I wouldn't be able to get another dog like I've been dreaming of, or have small animals because she would kill them. But I would take her. I wouldn't resent her for that or be unhappy. I love her. She makes me mad and she's not my ideal. But I would do anything for that dog. And as much as she irks me she also makes me laugh.

But the idea of someone rehoming a dog because they are not bonded does not bother me at all. Not if they take care to find the right home for them. I don't see anything wrong with that, and I'm sure in a lot of situations it would be better for the dog.

 

[Xandra]

Sounds like this person wants to rehome the dog, which is completely A OK in my books. They can give the dog to someone who will be very fond of it, which is nice for the new owner and for the dog. The original owner will then either be able to get another dog they really enjoy, or lighten their current load. Who loses? No one. Win win win.

Pawning off a problem dog on an unsuspecting owner is bad. Abandoning an dog to a crappy life or to die is bad. Not because ownership of a dog goes from person A to person B, but because someone is being harmed.

In most cases there is NOTHING WRONG with giving a nice, well-adjusted dog to another person who wants to take good care of it. Most dogs, especially if they aren't bonded to the person they're with, will adapt just fine. Rehoming is not dirty or shameful. If it's going to improve everyone's life... do it.

 

[Laurelin]

Honestly, I don't get it. It's probably not a popular opinion but I would suck it up and work on the bond. I made a big commitment bringing that dog home for life to become the owner they need. The only way we're even going to consider rehoming would be a situation where I don't think I could give a fair home to it or my previous dogs.

In my experience the biggest stumbling block to bonding with a dog can be you. I spent a long time not bonded to Trey but it was my fault for not appreciating who he was. He wasn't 'my kind of dog' AT ALL. But he was a great dog in his own Trey-like way. It was MY hangups that were the problem, not him. Once I stopped focusing on why he wasn't XYZ and started focusing on what he was it got better. He taught me so much and I am very glad we did not give him up. I don't think I really felt very bonded to him until he was 8 or so. I think several other family members never bonded to him. He was a very hard dog to bond with. Once it came though, it came hard and i miss him more than any other dog i've had.

People will do what they think is best but it always makes me sad when I hear people say they don't like a dog they live with. I don't get it at all. I don't think it's a fair attitude to have towards the dog.

Like I said, probably an unpopular opinion but there it is.

ETA: I'm referring to what *I* would do, not what anyone else should do. If someone takes the time to responsibly rehome a dog, that is their prerogative and they will hear no grief from me even if I don't like the decision.

 

[sassafras]

I'm not sure. I think I would probably not actively seek out a new home for the dog, but if a friend, relative, neighbor, etc - someone I knew personally and trusted - fell in love with the dog/formed a bond with the dog, I might make the offer to rehome the dog to them.

 

[momto8]

I have no bond with our Collie. She is a sweet dog, a little crazy lol. She's fun loving and a happy loving dog. But i never clicked with her. She is very bonded with my kids and my husband adores her. She is part of the family though I don't see it as that huge of a deal, she's just not as close to me as my other dogs are.

 

[Airn]

Honestly, I don't get it. It's probably not a popular opinion but I would suck it up and work on the bond. I made a big commitment bringing that dog home for life to become the owner they need. The only way we're even going to consider rehoming would be a situation where I don't think I could give a fair home to it or my previous dogs.

In my experience the biggest stumbling block to bonding with a dog can be you. I spent a long time not bonded to Trey but it was my fault for not appreciating who he was. He wasn't 'my kind of dog' AT ALL. But he was a great dog in his own Trey-like way. It was MY hangups that were the problem, not him. Once I stopped focusing on why he wasn't XYZ and started focusing on what he was it got better. He taught me so much and I am very glad we did not give him up. I don't think I really felt very bonded to him until he was 8 or so. I think several other family members never bonded to him. He was a very hard dog to bond with. Once it came though, it came hard and i miss him more than any other dog i've had.

People will do what they think is best but it always makes me sad when I hear people say they don't like a dog they live with. I don't get it at all. I don't think it's a fair attitude to have towards the dog.

Like I said, probably an unpopular opinion but there it is.

ETA: I'm referring to what *I* would do, not what anyone else should do. If someone takes the time to responsibly rehome a dog, that is their prerogative and they will hear no grief from me even if I don't like the decision.

I'll agree with this but I also believe it depends.

I love Gwen. But if I had a choice, would I go pick her again? Probably not. The breed is not suited to me and my lifestyle. But I chose her and I'm going to be there for her. I made that choice. She can't help that she's... the way she is. And a lot of is ME. I do not use her energy and smarts to her potential. I'm a lazy dog owner. We go for walks and we've started to get into doggy stuff, but compared to most of Chaz, we are a non dog household.

It depends on why you got the dog in the first place. Did you want a heart dog? Did you want a sport dog? Did you just want a dog?

I don't get the 'bond' thing. Like I said, I love Gwen and she's my dog dog, but I don't think I would CRUSHED if someone that was better suited to her adopted her. I would miss her and I wouldn't want her to go, but I have issues with letting things go anyway.

(But I only have one dog that I got from a shelter. Dogs are not my life. Gwen is a companion. She was not purchased for her talents. :rofl1

I don't know. I think I would need a better reason than "We're just not bonding."

 

[Laurelin]

Oh yes, I would never get a Trey again on purpose. Bad choice for me.

But this:

It depends on why you got the dog in the first place. Did you want a heart dog? Did you want a sport dog? Did you just want a dog?

I don't know that it's fair to ask a dog 'I will only keep you if you can play this game with me'. I don't know... I have very mixed feelings on all of that.

 

[JacksonsMom]

That's a tough one. I honestly can't say since I've never been in that position.

I was very lucky with Jackson... I got him with pretty much zero research on anything, had no goals in mind (i.e. I don't think I even knew dog sports really existed), no training goals or real experience. And he turned out to be exactly the dog for me and just what I needed.

We bonded very quickly on his first day home, and during the first few weeks of course I had a few moments of "oh, man, did I do the right thing?" but I don't think the thought of rehoming him ever actually came into my head. Had a year gone by and it was just... an awful fit? I still don't think I could've gotten myself to do it. We've just never rehomed dogs in our family.

I probably would've just gotten another dog (with knowing more dog knowledge) that suited me better, but still kept him of course, and just loved him in a different way.

That said, now, let's say I get a second dog and it's just horrible... I give it 6 months and I just know in my heart it's not going to work, I don't think I'd have a problem giving back to a breeder (assuming my next dog will be from a breeder). But after a certain amount of time, I don't think I could get myself to do it.

Eh. I don't know. I don't think it's something I'd do but I wouldn't judge someone for doing it.

 

[BostonBanker]

Everything Laurelin said. :hail:

No, I'm not going to ream someone apart for rehoming a dog. It happens, some people do it very well. But there is always going to be a part of me thinking "you should have tried harder".

I don't know that it's fair to ask a dog 'I will only keep you if you can play this game with me'. I don't know... I have very mixed feelings on all of that.

Mine really aren't mixed. If you want something with a guarantee to perform, get a car. I love agility, I would be heartbroken if I couldn't play anymore (and the thought has been going through my head with Meg ready to retire and Gusto's injury), but if tomorrow I find out they are both done agility, they would still have lifelong homes with me. And I have a two dog limit where I live. My desire to play the game is less important than my commitment to my dogs.

 

[Airn]

Oh yes, I would never get a Trey again on purpose. Bad choice for me.

But this:



I don't know that it's fair to ask a dog 'I will only keep you if you can play this game with me'. I don't know... I have very mixed feelings on all of that.

I agree. But I also am not 'into' dog sports. And I don't spend thousands on my dog(s).

If I spent $2,500 on a dog so we could do Rally-O, I'd probably have a different opinion on re-homing a dog I didn't 'bond' with.

As it stands now, I don't really agree with it, but it's not my area of expertise. (I've yet to find that :rofl1

 

[MericoX]

In a dog with no issues, I'd see it as a very kind thing to do if it were rehomed.

 

[sassafras]

I don't know that it's fair to ask a dog 'I will only keep you if you can play this game with me'. I don't know... I have very mixed feelings on all of that.

Yes, it's very very hard for me to understand this point of view. On one level I do, but on another level I don't. I don't think I'm personally capable of it... but I'll most likely never really be tested on that. And my dogs have all so far been pets first and then "let's figure out what we can do together" second rather than loving any particular activity or sport SO much that I've gotten a dog specifically for doing it.

I know a few people who do have dogs coming in and out of their lives for sports or obedience or conformation or whatever, and it's hard for me to truly wrap my head around. Not that I think it's badwrong or they are terrible people, it's just so foreign to me. I mostly just file it under "tastes differ" as long as dogs are rehomed thoughtfully and responsibly if they don't work out for someone.

 

[Tahla9999]

Been there. If it is my one and only dog, and I have tried my absolute hardest to build a bond and it failed, I would keep the dog and get another dog that is better suited to my personality. Not that I'll forget the other, it will just be more of a balance. I own dogs for the purpose of that bond, and if we don't click than that just destroys the purpose. Not that I blame the dog for not clicking, just like how some people just can't click with each other, some people and dogs just don't click. The only dogs I tend to have a hard time bonding with are dogs who have no drive to play or be active and at the same time, aren't openly affectionate.

With that said, if someone I know does end up bonding much better with the dog and they expressed interest in keeping the dog, I would consider rehoming.

 

[ruffiangirl]

Having had a dog for 14 years that never bonded with anyone in the family, he bonded with my female Shiba Inu and that was IT, no one else ever. One could pet him, but he never came to see you for any reason at all by choice, like ever! It was sad because he was so bonded to Ruffian that he could never be without her, I had to have him PTS when I had Ruffian PTS because being without her caused him to have seizers, constantly, for 12hours, that's when we brought her home (trial at a friends home to see how he would do) he never even bonded with our other dogs, it was just her, and only her. Had he bonded with another person that was I the rested in him you bet your butt he would have went to live with them, for his own sake. I loved him, and I miss his quirky personality, and I learned from that to not allow my dogs to become that bonded because loosing one because its time, is hard, having to Loose the other one because he looses his mind without her, but is 100% healthy otherwise is brutal, I still feel like I failed him.

 

[milos_mommy]

I don't think I'd actively seek to rehome, but if someone I knew mentioned they were looking for a similar dog, or the dog seemed bonded to someone else I knew, and they decided they'd want to take him or her, I'd give the dog to that person.

It would be very different if the dog was a problem dog in my household, or was supposed to be some kind of performance or working dog and that wasn't working out.

 

[Laurelin]

Mine really aren't mixed. If you want something with a guarantee to perform, get a car. I love agility, I would be heartbroken if I couldn't play anymore (and the thought has been going through my head with Meg ready to retire and Gusto's injury), but if tomorrow I find out they are both done agility, they would still have lifelong homes with me. And I have a two dog limit where I live. My desire to play the game is less important than my commitment to my dogs.

Yes, I am in the exact same boat. The thought has been going through my head too recently.

Yes, it's very very hard for me to understand this point of view. On one level I do, but on another level I don't. I don't think I'm personally capable of it... but I'll most likely never really be tested on that. And my dogs have all so far been pets first and then "let's figure out what we can do together" second rather than loving any particular activity or sport SO much that I've gotten a dog specifically for doing it.

I know a few people who do have dogs coming in and out of their lives for sports or obedience or conformation or whatever, and it's hard for me to truly wrap my head around. Not that I think it's badwrong or they are terrible people, it's just so foreign to me. I mostly just file it under "tastes differ" as long as dogs are rehomed thoughtfully and responsibly if they don't work out for someone.

I do get the desire to play the game but I can't help but feel the game is for the dogs, not the other way around. I don't see why 'my dog can't play the pvc pipe obstacle course game' is a good enough reason to rehome but at the same time many reasons JQP has to rehome are not good enough? I don't think us being 'dog people' makes it any different.