Just missing my boy....

Discussion in 'Dogs - General Dog Chat' started by houlahoops, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. houlahoops

    houlahoops New Member

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    ...

    I had assumed that my next visit here would be a happy one. I have been lurking since I've been in East Africa, but (shockingly) the internet leaves something to be desired. I have noticed that some of the babies are getting big (Koolies and Kelpie!) and I can't wait to be back more regularly.

    Anyway, I'm actually here for a selfish reason/shameless venting. I don't really have close friends here, and I need to write this somewhere....

    The day before I left for Kenya three months ago, I put my beloved Mammoth to sleep. We waited in the office for hours before they would see him: my big, beautiful dog strapped to a metal cart. He screamed when I left to fill out paperwork and I didn't stop crying until I ran out of air. My best friend in the whole world was dead and it was all my fault. They asked me if I wanted to euthanize and I told them yes and they killed him. I let him die and then I left him there when all he had ever done was love me with all of his heart.

    On Thanksgiving, my dad casually mentioned to me that my grandfather had been hospitalized. There was no warning--my grandfather has always been comically sturdy, but miles and miles away I curled up and cried. He was going to die without anyone to bring him the orange sherbert that he routinely demanded...no one to remind him that he wasn't allowed to die because he was a stubborn old ******* who was supposed to live forever.

    Last month was the four-year anniversary of my best friend's death. I realized then that I had forgotten his laugh. That I had lost the weathervane he had welded me. That I never gave him his dance and hardly remembered the shine of his root-beer colored eyes.

    This morning I received word that my other animals, Capo and Dillinger, had died at home.

    I packed them up before I left: printed an exhaustive care booklet detailing every possible scenario from fin rot to impaction to bloat to popeye. I left vet numbers, I cleaned their tanks and I left them alone with my parents. And they died, because I didn't think to leave them somewhere safe, where they wouldn't be subjected to absentmindedness and callousness.

    Someone else's voice rings in my ears. Lazy. Stupid. Bitch. A monkey could do that. Dumbass. Get. OUT.

    In two weeks I will go home to an empty house. My dog's bed will be in the corner, his collar looped around the door handle that leads to my room--filled with things I don't want or need. No one will rest his heavy head on my lap while I eat, waiting for me to finish so I can devote my whole soul to his. My dad will be halfway gone, his mind desperately trying to drag the rest of him away to my grandfather's side. Every motorcycle that rounds the corner will be Jake's, and the truck will smell like the gasoline he slipped on--tumbling end-over-end into the woods.

    I will be home again, where I'm always on my toes. Where I hoard food and sleep under the bed. Where I'm never competent or safe. Where the nightmares hunt me down and the only thing that kept me alive was Mammoth's smile--the short little tail wag that belonged only to me. The tilted ears and the low, soft whine.

    I can handle it because I have to. The obligation to live is enough, but it doesn't ward off the broken heart that keeps jumping into my throat. I just want my best friend back. I need my buddy.

    :(
     
  2. Red.Apricot

    Red.Apricot Active Member

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    I'm so so sorry. I know I don't know you, and I wish I had something more meaningful to say, but I can't. I'm crying with you, though.
     
  3. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    Oh, Gods, Emmy . . . . (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

    Words are too inadequate. (((((((((((MOREHUGS))))))))))))
     
  4. Baxter'smybaby

    Baxter'smybaby swimming upstream

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    I'm so sorry--there are no words ... :(
     
  5. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    Do you have to go back to that place? Could you find somewhere else to call home? To build a new life? It would be rough for a while, but I bet you COULD find somewhere that's more nurturing of the real you, the you that IS competent, independent, who went to Africa!
     
  6. FG167

    FG167 New Member

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    That broke my heart. So much strength and hugs and positive thoughts!!!!!!!!

    And thanks for thinking of the Kelpie :)
     
  7. spiffy

    spiffy New Member

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    Ohhhh...that was heartbreaking. I may not be your friend but I know how you feel. Words are not enough to make you feel better but for what it's worth I'm sending HUGS.
     
  8. chaospony

    chaospony New Member

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    I don't know you either it reading what you wrote breaks my heart.
    Is it possible to start fresh somewhere else?
    I don't know if I could stand going home to all that.
    Maybe you need to go on another adventure closer to home before you actually make it home?
     
  9. Doberluv

    Doberluv Active Member

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    My heart hurts for you...I'm so sorry for this profound sadness in you. I do hope that life will brighten for you before long. Although heart breaking, that was beautifully written. You really got to the core. I can see how that could be therapeutic for you. You should write more...perhaps it could be a real salve.

    ((((hugs))))
     
  10. StephyMei1112

    StephyMei1112 Blackout

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    The dog is an equal - but I've had alot of bfs...
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    (tons of hugs)

    I know the feeling - of despair, of hopelessness, of grief, of loneliness....we don't need to go on. My dog's not with me, my home is there but it isn't at the same time, my best human friend is dead, my mother's betrayed me....

    You will be ok - I hope to be ok too

    <3333
     
  11. Saeleofu

    Saeleofu Active Member

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    {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}
     
  12. meepitsmeagan

    meepitsmeagan Meagan & The Cattle Dog Crew

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    I know I PM'ed you, but still wanted to tell you to keep strong. Have you thought about starting fresh, like others have said? Maybe move to Tennessee so that you can have Limit fixes?
     
  13. houlahoops

    houlahoops New Member

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    I'm posting an update, but I have something more important to say first.

    When I originally wrote this, I was completely unsure of why I decided to put it in such a public place, and Chaz of all places, where I mostly go to squeal over puppy pictures and lurk through other posts. Your responses are exactly the reason that I'm glad it was here and nowhere else. I can feel your support even when I couldn't find any to cling to in the real world and I thank you for that. You are the absolute best and I love all of you ***hugs***

    I went home. I met my parents at the airport and I hugged my dad and even my mom because she was there and I hate hurting her. It was the first time I hadn't felt like a scared little kid, retreating to a house full of eggshells and broken glass.

    The worst of it came but not at first, and I found some fearlessness somewhere hidden while I waited. I have three more days until I can leave again, and from there it will be someplace new and far away, where my dad is a phonecall from my side and my mother is farther. I love her with everything I have, but something is broken--in me or her or the both of us together--that makes her want to wish me away, to tell my Autistic sister that she should leave so they can be happy.

    I will get a house or an apartment, something bigger than my car where the two of us, my sister and I, can speak softly and kindly. The constant radio feedback and the endless loop of mumbled hatred will be gone. I will smile and mean it, and love someone deeply and sincerely just because I can. I will take the opportunities that life keeps tossing my way and I will see them for what they are: lights in a place that I once thought was a cave.

    I still miss my boy...more acutely now that I can smell him in the corner and all of his old haunts. His collar is hung on the door to my room and it jingles every time it opens. Even in death he protects me from the surprise and fear of a furious delusion--his tags are the only thing that will wake me from even the deepest sleep.

    (on a lighter note, now that I'm back in the States, I will naturally be inundating Chaz with spam of the fuzzy variety!).
     
  14. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    You've been on my mind so much lately. (((((((HUGS)))))))
     
  15. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    Thanks so much for keeping us updated!

    You already sound more positive - I wish you all the best as you start this new chapter!
     
  16. MisssAshby

    MisssAshby Richy Rich HM Twit!

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    I do hope that you can find that little space that is yours, the one that allows you to live fearless, and along the way provides you lots of laughs and love. Stay positive, focused, and anything can be accomplished!
     

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