Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dogdragoness, Feb 28, 2013.
Yes... Exactly this!!!!!
Well I pretty much have the least jealous husband on the face of the planet, so I know he wouldn't ask me. But generally, no, I wouldn't. I find trying to restrict/ control/ dictate with whom one's partner spends time to be a big red flag, even if it is phrased as a polite question. Whether it is same gender friends, opposite gender friends, family, whoever. I feel like... if you're feeling insecure, let's talk about why that is and fix it rather than put a band-aid on those feelings by asking me to cut friends out of my life.
Having said that, if my husband felt I wasn't safe with someone because he thought the guy was shifty or something... I would seriously listen to his opinion. The fact that he would even ever bring it up about someone would speak volumes.
No. But then again there is no way I would have married a man who didn't trust me. I find jealousy a petty and pathetic emotion and if you feel it, your marriage is in BIG trouble.
Never! I would dump his controlling ass so fast his head would spin >:c
Id never be asked to. considering his friends are my friends, some I knew before I even met him. Almost all my girlfriends are dating/married to one of his friends. So it would be strange.
He did ask me one time when we first started dating not to have a old boyfriend over. Said old boyfriend was passing though our area and needed a place to crash. I said sure he could, before I was with my fiancee. After I started dating Ryan. I agreed not to let said old boyfriend stay over. Which in all honesty prob would have been bad. I was so in love with old boyfriend at the time (only broke up due to distance issues). And ryan and I just started dating 3 or so weeks in. Glad I did listen to ryan then lol
But otherwise. No he wouldnt ask me to do anything or demand anything of me. Must be the reason I have been with him all these years lol
Mine tries to get "uppity" about things sometimes, including sometimes having issues with my opposite sex friends. One in particular because he is "dog", a bit on the lecherous side but respects me & my relationship & is never inappropriate with me (though he is with other girls sometimes which is why OH doesn't like him) but if he was inappropriate with me he wouldn't be my friend
I don't think my husband would ever ask me to stop hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex. But, on the same note I make it a point not to hang out with my friends of the opposite sex alone. It's not that anything would ever happen, but I wouldn't want to open the door for there to be any room for doubt or suspicion.
Instead, if I want to hang out with one of my guy friends I usually make it a group thing which ends up still being a lot of fun.
I think there was only one guy that rubbed Josh the wrong way a little. This guy named Aaron out in NM. He was my best friend throughout high school and we did have feelings for each other and I will always love Aaron... Just not the same way I love Josh if that makes sense. Josh knew my history with Aaron and while I know it made him a little uncomfortable when Aaron was around he still never asked me to stop talking or hanging out with him and I did decide on my own not to hang out with Aaron alone anymore. The only exception was when I went out to lunch with Aaron to tell him I was getting married. I really needed to do that alone though.
Josh doesn't really have many girl friends and the girls that he is friends with for the most part I am friends with. He doesn't hang out with any of them alone either to my knowledge, but we do tend to do group get togethers with them sometimes.
If a boyfriend was ever flat out like "I don't want you hanging out with other guys or talking to other guys"?? Uhhh, I hope he has fun sorting out his insecurities in therapy for controlling douchebags, because I will be far, far, far away.
But on the same hand, I'd expect myself to be respectful of a guy's (perhaps not reasonable, but NORMAL) insecurities, and ACT like I'm in a relationship. I've never cheated on anyone, and never say never but I really don't see that happening anytime unless my life/morals/etc. drastically, drastically changes. But I have, in past relationships, probably acted far less than appropriately for someone who is committed.
Probably more than half of my friends, and most of my close friends, are and always have been of the opposite sex.
We go on vacation together.
We sleep over each other's houses.
Sometimes we even sleep in the same bed.
We do things like wrestle, put our arms around each other, sit squished together in big chairs, share food/drinks, talk about our sex lives, etc.
I always did all of these things in my only long-term relationships. At that point, all of my friends were our friends, and he trusted them, and me, and it was never a problem.
Then we did long-distance. And I moved. And my friends changed. And my behavior did not. And that was a BIG problem.
It's not really fair for most people to ask an SO to be okay with them spending a lot of alone time with someone of the opposite sex, for them to be physically affectionate or flirtatious with the opposite sex, hanging out drinking with someone of the opposite sex, or opening up to a friend of the opposite sex when you won't do that with your partner. Even if you've never cheated or done anything really inappropriate, even if you've been friends with that person for years, single or not, and nothing ever happened between you, and even if you're not uncomfortable with the other person acting the same way.
If you have a friend of the opposite sex who you talk on the phone with every night, or who you ditch your SO for, or frequently spend one-on-one time with in a private place, even if you're not remotely attracted to them and nothing has ever happened, it seems reasonable for your OH to want that to change. For a lot of people, it's uncomfortable, even if they trust you and the other person.
I'd sit down and talk with him and see what the reason was. If he thought the guy was dangerous and it wasn't safe, I'd respect his judgement, and only hang out with him in a group. If he was just jealous or insecure because I had opposite sex friends, we'd need to have a looong conversation.
SO isnt really the jealous type thank god. I think there's a difference between hi. Asking me not to hang out with an old friend or with a new guy friend though. I'd be mad if he wanted me to stop hanging out with an old friend just because he is of different sex than i . If its a new friend and it made him feel uncomfortable, oh yeah we would talk about it.
This is how I see it as well.
I'm single at the moment, but the way I see it is that I already have a life complete with my own interests, dreams, traditions, values, friends/loved ones etc. They are pretty special to me and I value them highly.
There is heaps of stuff that I consider to be inconsequential and that I'd be happy to work with/compromise. But my relationships are not - they are a part of me. That includes my friends, family, dogs. I'd not take kindly to someone telling me who I can and cannot see or what I can or cannot do.
I can be a very giving, generous person and I have a lot of time for the folks I value in life, but I also have a very low tolerance for possessiveness and related bullshit.
IDK, I can't imagine either of us ever having opposite sex friends. It would be so super weird that it would definitely make me uncomfortable and I could see how it would make him, too so yes. I would. I can't imagine hanging out alone with a man just for fun. My male "friends" are really more his friends or husbands of my friends. I would do something with just them of there was a REASON but just to enjoy their company without my husband or their wife would be extremely odd. I wouldn't at all be comfortable with my husband doing that. I don't know any married adults who have opposite sex friends who are strictly their friend that they spend time alone with. I'm sure it exists, and it's fine if everyone is cool with it, but don't think it's very common. I could see him being confused and uncomfortable about it and asking a lot of questions.
Now, when I was just dating, it was a different story. I used to have male friends when I was young and I wouldn't drop them for a guy and I don't do jealous, controlling men so we would be breaking up.
But for either of us to take up with an opposite sex friend out of the blue would be a red flag. It's just not our personality. My husband can't tolerate hanging out with women (that aren't me or Chloe) for too long, haha. He's a man's man. Girl talk doesn't interest him so it would just be odd.
Yes, that would be an absolute deal breaker for me. The majority of my friends are male, and most of them straight. Yes, some of them do or have had feelings for me. I've told them that I'm not interested, and they're happy with that and fine being friends with me, and they never push it (if they do push it, then I'm not friends with them anymore). Hell, I'm friends with some of my exes. One of my best friends is an ex. So, yes, in my case at least, if there's going to be an issue, it'll be an issue early on so I can dump his ass before the relationship gets off the ground. I'm not okay with someone telling me who I can and cannot hang out with or implying that it's inappropriate (as my parents did) for me to be friends with people with a penis, or that they don't trust one or both of us because of it.
Whenever I do hang out with my friends who are exes and I'm in a new relationship, I always tell my SO up front that, "Hey, I'm gonna go hang out with Blank, we dated for a while but it just didn't work and we're good as friends and have been for a while." It's never been an issue, and they appreciate the honesty. Hell, my latest ex met my best friend ex, and it was all good.
Unless there is a history of infidelity, he just needs to wash the sand out his taco. Being a bitch is not manly & it's a waste of time. If the woman is truly with you, there is NOTHING any guy can do about that. If she's not, well there ain't a whole lot you can do about that.
Question - with the friends, the SO, or with both?
And to the second part, I have done that before. . . However, I made it pretty clear there was nothing going on there and that I was going to hang out with that person as much as I wanted to and whenever I wanted to. He had an issue with it and I told him if he treated me better I would spend the time with him instead. That stopped that argument pretty quickly.
I'm going to wholeheartedly agree with this.
When I was in a relationship, he started out pretty laid back then eventually got extremely jealous/possessive and really restricted who I was allowed to be around.
Starting out he was fine with whatever friends. Then he thought we shouldn't hang out with single people of the opposite sex alone. That seemed fairly reasonable and wasn't anything I went out of my way to do since we lived 1200 miles away from all my friends.
A few years went by. His restrictions went from that to, "we should only be friends with other married couples so nobody is tempted." That was distressing, but since I was busy raising a kid and had no time for a social life it caused me 1000 times more grief trying to reason with him over it than it did to finally give up my right to have friends that I didn't have time to hang out with anyway.
That turned into, "you're only allowed to visit your friends when their husbands aren't home." Just. W. T. F. That was distressing, but when he took the car keys there wasn't much I could do about it.
At church there's a program where every person in the ward is assigned two people to go visit every month. That way people feel included, and if somebody is having a hard time (is sick, etc.) someone can let the Relief Society know so people can help them out with meals and yard work and stuff.
I had my two assigned ladies. But he didn't want me to go to their house because what if the couple were swingers and tried to get me to swing.
That made me really angry. And sad. There was an insane lack of trust, especially considering I'd never done anything to cheat. Not online, not in person, not ever. And I'm so glad it's over. At the very end he accused me of having affairs with men from church that I'd said "hi" to. At church. In the foyer. In front of dozens of people, in response to them saying hi first. He even went so far as to say I wasn't allowed to see my own dad and brothers, "because they might molest you, and they probably have before and you just can't remember."
Then it turns out he cheated on me with an old girlfriend after we got engaged. Who knows how many other times it happened after we got married. I don't even care anymore, but it says a lot about people who are insecure like that.
Really glad that's over. I'm never doing it again. Never going to be in a relationship again. This one was strike 2. Not willing to risk my kids' safety.
Short answer. Nope.
My best friends are male. I have a hard time finding people I want as close friends and it takes me years to build what I have with my closest friends. They're part of the package.
So sad that people feel like they have the right to tell you what to do at all. The only people who I ever let tell me what to do are my parents. Should my boyfriend ever start, he'll be dropped very quickly. Even after 7yrs, telling me who I can or can't hang out with is unacceptable to me.
I really think there's a huge difference between boyfriends and husbands. When you make the commitment to get married, a lot changes (for me, anyway). An example is this:
I would listen to my husband's requests well before those of my parents at this point in my life. Those are the vows I took (Leave your family, cleave to your spouse). I wouldn't let anyone "tell" me what to do, parents or spouse--but if my husband says, "I want you to do xyz" and my parents say, "We'd rather you did abc", husband's request will win every time.
I would certainly want to know why my husband felt that way--and then would weigh out the reason/s for his request. Would I absolutely do it? No--I'd make my own decision, and I'd be sure he understood my perspective as well as my understanding his. I trust my husband, and he trusts me.