If your OH was uncomfortable with your opposite sex friends would you give them up?

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dogdragoness, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I have a very good OH But sometimes, he kind of is wishy-washy about my opposite sex friends, ESP one I am close with & have known for a long time.

    Some time she tells me that it is ok & that he trusts me & then he will turn around & chastise me for having male friends while HE has & talks to women all the time. Some of them are my friends also.

    So ... What do you guys think? Would you give up your friends if your OH "told" you to?
     
  2. Kilter

    Kilter New Member

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    If it really was an issue, I'd find some sort of middle ground. Like only talking to that person on my phone, so my OH can check it since he snoops on my phone all the time. Or just in person with the OH there. Really if that doesn't work there are some issues in the relationship.

    This is from someone who goes out and almost always comes home to another woman in the house with her OH. I actually wondered when I came home and it was two men, wasn't used to that! (the women though aren't anything he'd be into, I hope....:rofl1:)
     
  3. Grab

    Grab Active Member

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    No, I wouldn't. It would not be an issue here though. We're both fine with opposite sex friends
     
  4. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    I suppos it depends. For my husband.. I would give up almost anything but that is because A) he is an incredible man who loves me unconditionally and I am never left wondering about his feelings for me. He is very forthcoming and honest about his feelings. B) I know that he would never TELL me what I must do to keep him but if he was jncomfortable with something he would tell me he is uncomfortable and leave it up to me to decide course of action. He doesn't TELL me what to do, just shares his feelings and leaves the rest to me. I LOVE him and appreciate his honesty and his trust and there is no one in my life that is worth what I have with him and te fact that I know he would never force my hand is more than enough to convince me that his feelings MATTER!!!! C) I know without a doubt that he would do the same for me. He would respect my feelings and insecurities and do it because it makes me feel better even though I would never TELL him YOU MUST DO THIS or my love becomes conditional. No not how it works.

    We just value each others feelings above all else (except God). My respect for him
    And love is not conditional upon him doing what i say and vice versa BUT I also respect and love him enough that I respect his feelings and him mine.
     
  5. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    First of all, DH would never "tell" me to. If he had an issue with it we would talk it out and likely come to some middle ground where we could hang out as a group, etc.

    ETA: sparks answer is a good one :)
     
  6. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    No.
    Not trusting me around people of the opposite sex implies that I am some kind of animal who can't control her instincts. Even if they did flip a switch and hit on me.. it takes two to tango and you should trust me to say no.

    I don't do jealousy and I don't do relationships without trust. I also don't do relationship where you dictate who I do or not see or where I go. Sorry. Not going to happen. I am independent, and I love being in a relationship but I believe a healthy relationship means compromise, communication, love and TRUST.

    COMPROMISE being a key point there. Of course feelings are important and even if they don't make sense to me, I'll do my best to listen and understand them and find a compromise we are both happy with. But I am not going to drop people I love because of you.

    My friends are vital to my life. I will not become one of those peoples whose significant others is the only person in their universe. I am just not the kind.

    I love my friends.
    I also don't think I'd love the idea of someone I loved being so careless of my feelings that they would even ASK me to give up people that mean so much to me.

    I don't choose my friends based on genitalia. I love them for who they are and if my significant other can't deal well then they can take a long hike.

    We can talk. We can compromise. I don't mean to say that their feelings are unimportant or "wrong"
    but I will not give up my friends.
     
  7. Torch

    Torch New Member

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    Yes yes yes this.

    It took my husband some time to realize that I often prefer male friends to female ones and not to be 'jealous'. I'm just not a girly girl and a lot of women aren't my 'friend type'. I also work with a lot of men. My husband now understands where I'm coming from and has become friends with several of my guy friends.
     
  8. ThoseWordsAtBest

    ThoseWordsAtBest Wu-Tang Steph

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    Well, first I'd need him to explain his discomfort to me considering that all of my opposite sex friends are mutual friends that are both homosexual and old enough to be our dads.
     
  9. noludoru

    noludoru Bored Now.

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    No. I wouldn't. I don't do well with ultimatums.

    However, if they are asking you for a legitimate reason rather than because they can't deal with their own insecurities, it's up for discussion. If it's because they're insecure, the reason for their insecurities can be discussed to see how you two as a couple can move forward from them.

    A legitimate reason would be something such as if you had lied about your relationship with that friend or lied about anything you've done with them. In that case I can see where the trust issue came from in the first place, and it definitely needs to be dealt with - but then you have a much bigger problem than your SO asking you not to talk to your friends.

    Having been in that situation before, I can say that it's not fun and destroys the trust in the relationship almost completely. I still don't think it's a fair or reasonable request, but I think we all ask for unreasonable things once in a while in relationships.

    I'd have a problem with the snooping on the phone more than "don't hang out with so and so."

    One of my friends doesn't want me to text him because his wife might see the texts, and I flat out told him that there's nothing for her to be jealous of because I don't feel that way about him and I'd be happy to let her know that if she'd ever like to call me and ask me why I'm texting her husband. About totally mundane things, like cars. And vodka. Unless those things are now code for adultery. :rolleyes:
     
  10. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    Yeah, i don't get phone snooping. I don't care if DH looks at my phone and I'm free to look at his if I want, but neither of us do it for the purpose of spying on the other.
     
  11. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    NEVER.

    My best friends have been with me through so much they've been my rocks throughout my life.

    They've seen me at my lowest. They were shoulders to cry on. They were meals when I couldn't afford them. They were rides to work when I didn't have a car even though I lived over an hour out of their way. We talked about everything from stupid stuff to stuff we wanted out of life.

    If my BF ever told me that he didn't like me being around my friends who happen to be guys I would have to take a step back and really reevaluate how far I wanted to go in that relationship and honestly I'd probably cut it off really soon after that if not that day.
     
  12. Red.Apricot

    Red.Apricot Active Member

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    No.

    I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't believe people are people and can be friends with whomever they choose. We just wouldn't be compatible.
     
  13. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    This

    There is no snooping in our house. Everythig
    Is an open book.

    Usually it is more like "oh my gosh lol look at this text so and so just sent me". Lol. I make it abundantly clear that just about anything you tell me will be shared with my spouse in casual
    Conversation. He is trustworthy and won't share my secrets with anyone else but for the most part there are NO secrets between us. If you ever tell him something and tell him not to tell anyone he will warn you up front that he will almost certainly tell me but Also that I will absolutely not tell anyone else.

    We don't snoop. We are extremely open with each other
     
  14. Grab

    Grab Active Member

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    Same here. We'll occasionally go on each other's phone..if, say, he needs me to get someone's phone number and he doesn't want to go get his phone. But we would never be all sneaky-like and peruse the other person's contacts, texts, etc. Neither of us has anything to hide, but that's just disrespectful.
     
  15. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    My husband would never "tell" me to stop spending time with male friends. At the same time, once we got married it just felt incredibly inappropriate to me to be alone with guys. I avoid situations like that as much as possible.

    I was always someone who got along so much better with guys. I played sports, majored in computer science, and most of my coworkers were male. It made sense that I had more guy friends than girls. Once I got married though, I drew a big line in the sand. I absolutely still spend time with my guy friends, but always in group situations or double dates or something. It just feels wrong to me to be in a one on one situation with a guy other than my husband.

    When Zach or I don't like the way something in our relationship is going (whether it's me staying at work too late during the week, or him watching too much tv, or the company either of us is keeping) we discuss it, explain why it makes us uncomfortable, and come to a compromise. I have never told him "stop watching football" or "don't go to lunch with Ali", but I will say things like, "It makes me feel less valued when you'd rather watch sports than spend time with me on Sundays." Usually things shake themselves out.
     
  16. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    That's mostly how we are, I find it much more freeing that way--it seems like a lot of work to keep stuff from your spouse--lol.
     
  17. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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  18. Julee

    Julee UNSTOPPABLE

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    Wouldn't happen in my relationship.
     
  19. eddieq

    eddieq Silence! I ban you! Staff Member

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    I would give up anyone and everyone for my wife. She is my greatest love and my best friend. If she asked me to not see my childhood friends tonight, I'd cut them off tomorrow.

    Here is the kicker, though...

    I also know that my wife would NEVER ask me to do that. She knows that I'm still friends (both RL and FB) with former girlfriends. She is also still friends with former boyfriends. We know each other and trust each other.

    I wouldn't ask her, either.
     
  20. ruffiangirl

    ruffiangirl New Member

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    No, but like others said, my husband has never asked me to stop being friends with my male friends. In fact when my dad was sick and subsequently passed away I relied heavily on one of them, more so then on DH, because this friend has been through the loss of close family members (siblings) and hubby has only lost one grandparent and just didn't know how to support me. He understood that, and he knew when I was talking to said friend, and when I went to see said friend, open book, like mentioned.
     

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