If a friend's SO...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by milos_mommy, May 15, 2013.

  1. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    I know we've had similar threads before, but let's rehash:

    What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?
    What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?
    What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?
    Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?
    Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?

    Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?
     
  2. Airn

    Airn New Member

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    What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?

    Depends on the situation. If it was a first time, I would probably ignore it and mention it to my friend, if it was REALLY inappropriate.

    What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?

    I would totally tell my friend that. But I would make sure to not be like "Oh, dude, your BF so wants me" :rofl1: I'd probably start by asking how serious they were and how my friend felt about him/her. If they're serious, then I would casually mention something and wait for it to happen again. If they aren't, I would tell all.

    What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?

    Then I guess it depends on which friend you like more

    Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?

    I believe so.

    Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?

    Definitely.

    Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?

    Yes. Although I am 99.9999% sure that would never happen, I trust my friends. I don't believe they would tell me he was cheating if he wasn't. I don't live in a romantic comedy. :lol-sign:


    I would also try to avoid the friend's SO, if at all possible. Or try not to be alone with him/her. See how they act with other people as well. It really depends on how close you are to the friend, how often you see them... a lot of things.
     
  3. sassafras

    sassafras mushinois

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    Well, it would depend on how well I knew the friend AND how well I knew the SO.

    Our group of friends tends to be pretty free about what we will joke about and stuff can get pretty raunchy, so that in and of itself wouldn't set off any red flags for me. If someone seemed to be actually flirting with me in a way that set off my Spidey senses or made me uncomfortable, I would cut off that kind of joking with that person and not be alone with them. I probably wouldn't say anything about it, though. That kind of stuff can be so easy to misinterpret, and I have made the mistake of "telling on" someone in an open relationship... awkward.

    If it was outright asked to hook up... I would outright ask back if their relationship was open (not that it would matter to my answer, but it would matter how I proceeded), because again... yea, awkward if my assumption is wrong.

    If not an open relationship and I knew the SO reasonably well, I would probably get all serious on them. Ask them exactly why they were hitting on me/wanted to cheat/what they weren't getting from and what is going on in their current relationship. If it was simply because that person is a player, I might or might not tell the friend depending on how close I was to them. IME stuff like that is either a trip down Denial Road or a friendship-ender no matter what people say about wanting to know beforehand. But it might be worth it to me to end the friendship or be frustrated by inaction if it was someone I knew well enough.

    If there's some kind of relationship problem/dissatisfaction for the SO, I would try help them figure out if continuing to be in the relationship is something they even want and if so, try to help them figure out how to fix it if I could. Helping them find a counselor or role play talking to their SO about problems, or helping them broach the subject with the SO. Stuff like that. I actually think a LOT of relationships are fixable even if they have reached the point where someone is thinking about cheating, if both parties are willing to work hard. I think a lot of the "drifting apart" type problems especially fall into that category, people just need some help to drift back together. A very, very good friend did this for me back in the day (minus any flirting/offers to hook up, that is... just obvious problems in the relationship at the time) and I've never forgotten how life changing it was for me and my marriage. So you know... pay it forward and all.

    In that situation, I wouldn't tell my friend unless their relationship ended. If the SO was committed to fixing the relationship I would leave it up to them to decide if they wanted to tell my friend.
     
  4. yv0nne

    yv0nne Vizsla mom

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    What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?
    Depends what was said and HOW it was said. Most likely, poorly.

    What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend?
    I don't have a certain line ..it would very much depend on context& feeling.

    Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?
    Yup, 100% ..even if they were just casual& we weren't BFFs. Super inappropriate behavior.

    What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?
    I would tell them I was telling their significant other so they better beat me to them.

    Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?
    Not really ..although, once at a bar I DID make out with a guy with a girlfriend. I didn't know her at all so I didn't bother messaging her to be like 'Yo! Made out with your hot BF last night on the dance floor. Great kisser.' I'm hoping she has good friends who saw& told her he was making shitty life decisions.

    Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?
    Sure.. if both people are behaving inappropriately, it's not inappropriate. Other than that, not really.

    Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?
    Yup.. I'd rather know now than know later. The faster you know, the less time you've invested in a sucky relationship!
     
  5. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    This is all coming from the point of view of someone happily married. If I were single, my answers might be different, I don't know--but if some random person is hitting on me I'm as worried about MY relationship being messed with as the other person's. (Not that I would do anything, but I just don't need that headache)

    What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you? Distance myself from them and avoid being alone with them in a one-on-one situation where that sort of thing could occur. (I try very hard to do this anyway)

    What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you? I would have to be really good friends with the person to bring it up. Likely it would come up when my friend asked if we wanted to hang out again. I'd probably say that I was uncomfortable hanging out with the SO, due to some uncomfortable comments they'd made before.

    What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours? Exactly the same as before. I would distance myself from that person.

    Does it change depending on how well you know your friend? Sure--the closer we are, the more likely we are to discuss stuff like this.

    Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is? I don't think so, no. If a guy is hitting on a married woman, that's not appropriate no matter how serious his relationship with my friend is.
     
  6. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    My situation is that I have these couple friends, and the guy (who I WAS and may or may not still be friends with) basically told me had a crush on me and wants to hook up...

    I just told him I was not interested and wouldn't ever do that to his girlfriend (and also mentioned that I was not at all interested in having sex with him while I'm NINE MONTHS PREGNANT WITH HIS FRIEND'S CHILD or ever).

    But now I don't know if I should tell my female friend. Truth is, I don't know if it's an open relationship, but I HIGHLY doubt it. We're not that close, but I do consider her a friend and I like her a lot. I'm not sure I'd consider her even a "good friend", but she's definitely more than like an acquaintance or something.

    I could either stop talking to them both and she'd probably attribute it to me being too busy with the baby or whatnot,
    or tell her and take the chance she'd not want to be friends anymore anyway,
    or keep being friends with her/them (it's not like I've ever even been alone with this guy before, we've only hung out in groups or the three of us, but it might be weird if it was the three of us) and not say anything.
     
  7. Airn

    Airn New Member

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    I'd probably do this. You're about to be way too busy to worry about some guy crushing on you. If you're not BFFs or something, then that would be the easier choice.

    And :rofl1: at him wanting to hook up with a very pregnant lady. (No offense!)
     
  8. sassafras

    sassafras mushinois

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    Well at 9 months pregnant you have a lot on your plate without adding someone else's relationship problems to it. I'd still probably try something along the lines of "Dude, what the hell is up with this? Either fix your relationship or end it if this is where you're at" and help him find a counselor or therapist if he seemed interested in fixing it.
     
  9. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    If you aren't super close friends, I'd just avoid him (or them, if they only come as a pair). No sense in adding drama to your life right before baby comes.
     
  10. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

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    How will your friend feel if she finds out later that he was prepared to cheat on her with you and that you never told her? I can tell you this -- if my ex had approached a good friend of mine to cheat and she never told me, I would be very upset.

    I would tell the guy that you feel morally obligated to tell your friend what happened but that you want to give him the opportunity to do so first. This gives him an opportunity to redeem himself but also stays true to doing right by your friend. If it's not an open relationship, which you believe it isn't, than I think you owe it to your friend to tell her. Or at least, I would feel that way. If she believes she is in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, her partner cheating can also endanger her physical health.

    Cheating is cowardly and selfish, and for some reason trying to cheat with a person who is mutual friends with your SO seems even more cruel. He chose to cheat, he can deal with the consequences.
     
  11. Fran101

    Fran101 Resident fainting goat

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    What would you do if a friend's significant other said something inappropriate to you?
    If he was drunk or it was just a comment on my looks (ala "you look hot") he would get a firm look and a stern "ENOUGH. GET YOUR **** TOGETHER" and I would make a distance.

    If it was a sober suggestion for something inappropriate "I think we should hook up"/"you look really hot, I think we should xyz" ...
    If it was a close friend, I'd 100% tell her.
    If just a friend? I would distance myself, shoot him down hard, avoid the drama, and leave them be.

    by "close friend"= someone I would call if I was in the hospital, someone who I would be comfortable watching TV in my underwear around, someone I love.

    "friend"= someone I have as a friend on facebook, someone I see for "main events" (baby showers, maybe birthday, etc..) but is not someone I would think of calling if I was crying at 2 am and needed someone to talk to.

    What line would they have to cross in order to get you to mention it to your friend? Would you tell a friend if they flat out asked you to hook up with them or told you they had feelings for you?

    The line to me is a sober, calculated, honest suggestion at physical intimacy. "I think we should hook up"
    or a sober inappropriate compliment "You look really hot in that dress"

    I would tell a close friend if he said/did either of those things.
    a regular friend? I would just say no, put a little fear in them (WHAT WOULD SOANDSO THINK ABOUT YOU ACTING LIKE THIS?) and distance myself from the situation.

    I would not say anything to anyone for a drunk slurred statement at a party of "You look hot"/"I think about what you look like naked sometimes". I have said some stupid stuff drunk, really stupid stuff lol might it be true? yea. but most of that is harmless just..drunken idiocy.

    I refuse to deal with the drama of "he says he didn't do that!" "are you sure he said that!" "You are lying!" etc..etc.. of telling "regular friends" such serious accusatory things.

    my close friends would take my word 110% no questions asked. So they get the truth, every time, if I think the situation is serious enough that HE WOULD go through with it.

    What happens if the friend's SO is also someone you consider(ed) a friend of yours?


    Depends on the suggestion.

    If an SO of a friend said he had feelings for me (and we were also friends) and they were true honest feelings not based in his penis.. I guess I would be more lenient. I would talk to him, ask him why he thinks he feels that way, explain to him gently that he needs to sort his stuff out and that he has put me in an awkward position and needs to talk to his SO etc..

    If a close friend's boyfriend decided to cross that line, even if we were friends, he would get shot down. hard. My close friends are family and it is not the kind of bond I would mess with because of the confused feelings of a friend-by-association-to-my-actual-close-friend.

    If he suggested something sexual while he was in a relationship, we weren't friends in the first place. Screw him.

    Does it change depending on how well you know your friend?

    Of course.
    Close friends gets the honest blunt truth every time. I know my friends and I trust each other and will believe each other. we owe and promised honesty.
    I don't have MANY close friends, but the ones I do have are family. There is no bond stronger and nothing I couldn't tell them.

    Regular friends? Who knows. Depends on so many factors. More than likely it would be a situation of distancing myself from them both and calling it a day.

    Does it change depending on how serious the friend's relationship is?

    With a close friend? Nope. I would tell her if her boyfriend of 2 weeks did it and I would tell her if her fiance did it.
    Either way she would believe me and either way she deserves the truth from me 100%.

    A regular friend? Honestly I would be more likely to say something of a short term boyfriend than a long term one. I am not dealing with the prickliness of making that accusation about someone she LOVES.


    Would you want a friend to tell you if your SO was either cheating on you or mentioning they'd be willing to?

    Yes.
    No questions asked. I'd rather be hurt and heart broken than live with someone who has that in them.
     
  12. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    That's the thing...she's really not a "good friend". If I had a BF and he cheated on me, I most likely wouldn't tell her about it. She's not like a close enough friend where I'd be seeking her out to discuss my dating/personal life with her. If we hang out, I'd tell her things, but she's not the kind of friend I'd call or text to tell about a date I just went on or that I was going through a break-up or something.

    This is also a pretty serious BF she has...they've been together almost a year, lived together briefly, etc.

    If she ever expressed any kind of concern to me about his behavior (in general, towards me, on cheating, whatever), I might bring it up. But otherwise, I don't think it's appropriate for me to get involved. I hope I can still hang out/be friends with her without it being weird, though :/
     

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