He cheated on me.

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Barbara!, Jan 1, 2013.

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  1. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    This. I think it is incredibley easy to judge the situation from behind the computer screen, but a much different story to live it.

    First thing you have to get some nutrician in you. Pediasure, Boost, etc, as well as any nutricious solid food you can get down. Your body is likely stealing nutrients from itself to nurish the baby right now. Peanut butter toast, grilled chicken, eggs, yogurt, and whatever fruit or veggies you can stomach and wash it down with the Sprite to help settle your stomach. Are you sure the vomiting is emotional or could it have a physical cause you should be seeing your OB about?

    I know this sucks and I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you need to just be able to snap your fingers and get over it. However, you do need to learn healthy ways to deal with this and you must be focused like a laser beam on this unborn child even though it will mean focusing through a considerable amount of hurt in the beginning.
     
  2. joce

    joce Active Member

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    I said it on your other thread but I will say it again. You are going to hurt a while. Period. No way around it. If all the keeps you going right now is the hope he will come back-fine. But as you heal and learn to love you that will fade, I promise. Sometimes it takes a couple months and sometimes it takes a year. But there comes a point where you will realize you get up and make breakfast without crying(and then you will probably cry more!) and a day will go by and life will go on.

    You do just have to slap a smile on and go on. You can not raise a child in the woe is me environment. I have a friend that was raised like that and if I could show you whats its done to her I would. She is now back in her moms home, just had a baby(almost exact same situation as yours but her babys dad was dating someone else but didn't tell her till she ended up pregnant)and its going to be a house of three bitter women. Its sad. there is no happiness in that house. You have to love you and love that child and go get yourself into some counseling. There are clinics that get money from the state and you can go in on a sliding fee scale. Just talk to someone.

    Love him as the father of your child but he is not the man for you. You can find someone who will treat you better and be there for you and your child on a daily basis, who will teach your child right and wrong.

    This is a crappy situation I would never wish on anyone. But you will get through this. This will show you who your real friends are, who you can trust in life. Grab onto your family and friends. Reach out to people and the resources that can help you.
     
  3. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    Go home to your parents. Let them help you. Step back from all that's going on, and just involve yourself in the necessary day-to-day activities at your parents. Eat well. See your OB. Take a daily walk and just look at all that's arond you. Start a "Give Thanks" journal, and each day right down the things you have in your life and are thankful for. Even on your worst days, write even if you only write one thing (you have parents that love you and support you, you'll have a roof over your head and food in your belly, you'll have doctor care for your unborn child, etc.). You'll be surprised (I was) at how quickly you realize your view if the world has changed when you focus on all that you have instead of all that you don't have (no, it's not a magic pill that makes everything all better, but it does help).

    This guy didn't just suddenly change. One doesn't start stealing with such large items, especially those requiring such premeditation to get the job done. One doesn't just start cheating and withdraw so suddenly after the first offense.

    This guy is no good for you. This guy may be downright detrimental to your child. If you care nothing for yourself, at least do right by your child.

    In Louisiana, you can/will get Medicaid for your child (up to age 18), and for you as long as your pregnant. You can/will get WIC, and you probably qualify for government assistance benefits (LA Purchase card). Take advantage of those programs to get yourself away from this guy, who has told you and shown you in so many ways that he cares little to nothing for you or the child. Use this aid to strengthen yourself and make a new life for yourself.

    It's not going to be easy. But it will be more than worth it. Just think of how you'll feel in 5, 10, 15 years from now when you look back to this point I your life and are able to smile and say. "I did it. I really did it.", as you give your son or daughter a hug.
     
  4. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

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    Both of these are great posts.

    Barbara, keep in mind there have been documented negative effects of malnutrition and starvation during pregnancy, one of which is increased rates of schizophrenia in children born to women suffering from malnutrition. Even if you can't be bothered to take care of yourself, do it for your baby.

    Please get help for yourself and for your baby. Move in with your parents and please, please, please go see a psychologist who can help you turn your grief into something productive.
     
  5. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    I just want to say that, I think at this point, you really need to seek professional help for your emotional and mental well-being.

    You weren't handling it in a healthy way, at all, when Josh first wanted to talk and said he didn't love you...nor when he was arrested, and now that he's left you, you're still handling it in a very unhealthy way. Nothing is going to make it hurt less, but your thought process and the way you're viewing this is definitely making it worse at best, and downright dangerous for your baby at worst.

    If you don't have insurance, there are a lot of low cost and free resources for mental health. They can be tricky to find, and you won't get accepted unless you absolutely can't afford them yourself, but they are out there. Ask your OB for a recommendation. This should be one of the first things you do.
     
  6. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I have been cheated on & dumped & never ever have I thrown myself on the floor & thrown what is essentially a tantrum.

    Even if my current OH cheated on & dumped me I would never give him the curtesy of harming myself over him
     
  7. Miakoda

    Miakoda New Member

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    Malnutrition can also result in physical deformities such as cleft palate and/or cleft lip and spina bifida, as well as neurological deficiencies. Don't take this out on your baby. Don't.
     
  8. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    I am at my parents now. Not a very warm welcome.. Makes it a little harder. I was able to get a meal in me, though. Malyk is stressing out, but he will be okay.

    I am going to meet Josh tomorrow at the old place and finish moving out and cleaning...

    One moment I am okay, and the next I am in shambles. I do already feel a little better being here, though. My panic episodes aren't as frequent or as intense. We will see how I sleep tonight. The last few nights I have been waking up suddenly in full blown panic attack a couple times a night... So hopefully that won't happen tonight.

    Josh has been talking with me today pretty nicely for the most part. He did fuss at me about not eating, and he said he was worried that I was more worried about him than my own well being... Which made sense. He's not a stupid guy.. He just. I don't know. His brother wasn't very nice, though. He was upset I didn't have the house 100% packed up and clean, so he was calling me useless and saying the reason Josh left me for Paige is because I always mooched off of Josh and because I got fat. Really hit home and really hurt. I don't think I would be as hurt if Josh wasn't with a new girl already. I just don't understand HOW he could do that to me... 3 years and he's already in someone else's arms and "in love" with them. How....

    I spoke to an over-the-phone therapist today and he said the best thing for me to do is to get distance from Josh and for Josh to get distance from me. He said it could happen that Josh misses me and realizes what he did and lost and wants me back... But it is also likely that that won't happen and I need to learn to process that. He said there is no excuse for what Josh did... It was wrong and disrespectful and insensitive and it only shows that he is truly someone I shouldn't desire... I just don't know that yet. He said distance will bring clarity in that aspect, and I may come to be very happy without him and desire as little as contact with him as possible. He said my relationship with Josh sounds very toxic (the entire thing)... Like we both kind of took turns taking swings at each other... I just grew up and Josh didn't, and his final blow was the biggest and most painful.

    I do need to process all of this. I know I will get better, but right NOW it is so hard. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. And some of you are right...no, my child isn't the first and only thing on my mind. He is and so is this girl. It keeps me awake and shaking and... Ugh.

    I expressed one of my biggest fears to the therapist.. That I won't be able to love this baby. Because now, it's hard. Whenever I think of the fact that I am pregnant, an overwhelming sadness grows inside of me and I don't think what I should... I don't think "my baby"... I think "Josh's baby" and it only hurts. The therapist said this isn't uncommon in cases like this, and that usually it resolves itself as the pregnancy progresses and I start to recognize the baby as its own entity, and not an emotion or correlation to someone else. It frightens me most because that's what happened with my biological mother.. She didn't love me and gave me to my father. I am so much like her...

    I weighed myself today and while I am glad for the weight loss... I know it's not good. I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and at 8 weeks, I weighed 264. I am now down to 228. /:

    I thank all of you for taking the time to type what you do... And if you think I'm not listening, I promise that I am. I am doing everything I can to try to change my mental state of mind and figure this out. It's just not a snap your fingers kind of thing... I would love to be over this and move on.
     
  9. noludoru

    noludoru Bored Now.

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    Coming from someone who has a depressive disorder, you need to be on medication. Please. It gets so much better. There are ups and downs, but they are not like unmedicated ups and downs. For what it's worth, manic depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are the same thing. If you are one meds, they are clearly not working like they should - you need to see someone who can help.

    If the answer is no, you need to be considering other alternatives. Adoption or abortion. I'm sure someone will have a heart attack over the second suggestion, but here's the thing - pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on your mental state, and postpartum depression is horrific for women who don't have depression issues - it can be deadly for those that do. Is that a safe plan for you right now? Are you willing to take that risk? Do you have someone who can take care of the baby if you're hospitalized for it?

    If you are unwilling to consider the latter, you need to at the very least start taking care of yourself so that the baby has a good chance to be healthy. If you choose to keep it, you owe it to the fetus growing inside of you take care of it as well as you possibly can. Malnutrition is inexcusable when you have access to food, and you need to talk to a doctor if you can't keep food down.
     
  10. puppydog

    puppydog Tru evil has no pantyline

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    This situation sucks! Its hard, its grinding and its painful. I'm sorry you are going through it and I hope it gets better quickly.
     
  11. GipsyQueen

    GipsyQueen Active Member

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    I haven't said anything in your threads, because I did not want to be pulled into anything. I just can't just watch anymore though. I'd love to shake you right now (and give you a hug) but I can't.

    So without trying to sound harsh - for one, you NEED to EAT. Your unborn child is a risk. Not just his or her health but also his or her life. You're early in pregancy. By not eating and the stress levels you have, you are at risk of loosing your child.

    Secondly, Josh is an idiot. He does not deserve to be with you. Be glad you got rid of that scumbag. Stop taking calls from his brother. It's not helping, it's just making everything worse. If possible take only minimal amounts of call from Josh. Can you get a friend or possibly your dad to help him finish moving out of your house so you don't have to see him. I wish I could say cut all ties, but you are expecting a child from him.
     
  12. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I'm glad someone else said what I was thinking & wnted to say about the Bortion option.
     
  13. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    I'm very glad you got the advice of a therapist. Your parents might take a little time to process all that's happened, but it sounds like in general they will be supportive if you make good choices for yourself and your baby.

    I also hope you've spoken to your OB about your rapid weight loss and lack of appetite!
     
  14. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I really hate to play this card I really do, but you don't seem like you really want this child. If you do not then you must make a decision ... Adoption or, of course abortion (which I was trying to say in my above post but when I hit the post button I accidentally hit delete & deleted the "A" in "abortion").

    If you do not think you can care for this child ... Then you have a decision to make
     
  15. Dizzy

    Dizzy Sit! Good dog.

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    Seriously? People are suggesting she aborts her child..........?

    I'm pro choice, but wow....

    Wow.
     
  16. Lyzelle

    Lyzelle New Member

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    Honestly Dizzy? Yeah, that would be a valid choice. As the child of a woman like this, I wish my mother offed herself before deciding it was a great idea to drag me and my brother through her shitty, selfish decisions. Childhood was more than miserable. It was our own personal hell, where she hated herself, hated us, and let whatever man she was worshipping at the time do whatever they wanted with us. Physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, hatered, manipulation. We were used as her personal playthings and pawns, shoved back and forth from man to man. We were blamed for ruining her relationships with "good guys" who "didn't mean to steal/rape/drink/do drugs".

    It was honestly miserable. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And right now, Barbra sounds JUST like my mother. Me, me, me...excuse, excuse, excuse. At this point, she is hardly fit to care for herself. Let alone be a mother. At the very least, she needs to prioritize this child and think what ahe can do that would be best for THAT life.

    Rather than wonder if she can use it as a barganing chip to get Josh back.
     
  17. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    Not a suggestion but she isn't eating or taking care of herself & doesn't seem to be making any effort to do so ... That's why myself & others suggested it. Besides what if she can't pull herself out of this funk? What becomes of the child?
     
  18. Taqroy

    Taqroy Active Member

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    I have no problem with it being put forward as an option. I don't think kids should be your whole world but I **** sure think they should get more consideration than this one is getting. The last post sounds more promising (talking to a counselor is good) but if the established behavior pattern continues I don't see any kind of good environment for this kid.

    So, you think that she should have this kid when she has a short term place to live, no money, no job, a thieving-cheating-manipulative ex boyfriend that is likely going to jail, and apparently the emotional maturity of a pre-teen? Wow.
     
  19. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    Having a kid is a huge responsibility & there is a lot of room for error ... People treat it like they are adopting a puppy or something like that, this is another HUMAN BEING we are talking about here.

    & if the environment or the parentage is not suitable then no I'm sorry then this child shouldn't be brought into that. She came out & said "I know I'm being selfish thinking only of myself" that to me says a lot.
     
  20. Taqroy

    Taqroy Active Member

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    And I'm going to follow up my last post with: Barbara I am NOT saying you should get an abortion. I think you have some serious work to do on your mental and emotional help before that baby gets here though. You have 26 weeks to get it together if that's what you want. There are lots of places that will offer you help and I'm glad that you called and talked to a therapist - that's definitely a step in the right direction.

    It's not a snap your fingers thing and I don't think anyone is really suggesting that. However, the level of attachment you're showing to Josh is exceedingly unhealthy and frankly pretty stupid. It's been said over and over that he is not the person you thought he was and was probably never the person you thought he was. Toxic relationships take time and effort to get over. It is doable and once you're out of it you'll probably look back and wonder wtf you were thinking. Until you can reach that point it is really important that you don't contact him.

    Seriously. Don't contact him.

    All that will do is drag you back into the cycle. Don't do it.
     
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