He cheated on me.

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Barbara!, Jan 1, 2013.

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  1. eddieq

    eddieq Silence! I ban you! Staff Member

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    Barbara, what I said about making sure he is financially responsible, I mean more than just a verbal promise from him that he'll "send you money". In my EXTENSIVE experience on the matter, those verbal promises are not worth the paper they are printed on. He will send a decent amount for a few months, then he'll miss a month with an excuse that he's not working, then he'll send a partial amount with a promise that he'll "send more when I'm able" then the money stops entirely. I have seen far too many good friends screwed over hard and watched them simply "take it".

    If I were you, especially given his proven issues with honesty, I'd get a court ordered support plan. If he doesn't pay, the state will dock his wages for it. If he works "under the table", send the sheriff to his place of work to serve him.

    Get everything in writing and official. This is not to be vindictive, not to "feather your nest", but to provide for your child.
     
  2. CatStina

    CatStina SBT Lover!!

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    I am so sorry. I can't imagine how awful you must feel. PLEASE just let him go, don't let him drag you down any further. You need to do what's best for you and the baby and make sure that he is out of the picture. Though I do agree with the others who said that you want to get in writing that he is going to help you out financially.
     
  3. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    (Double post...oops.)
     
  4. Barbara!

    Barbara! New Member

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    Thanks for all the advice guys. Right now I'm just a wreck. He asked me to come over to his parents tonight to speak to him in person and I did. He apologized for what he did and how it happened, and expressed that he wished he would have done it differently... But I have no pity for him. He chose this. He claims he loves and cares about the baby and cares about me, he just lost feeling and dragged it out because he didn't know how to hurt me. He didn't want to tell me. And this girl... He claims he loves her. She is 19 and fresh out of high school... And he has only physically seen her 5 or so times. He says they haven't slept together... And that he is trying to do right by God and his first priority right now is the baby, and then himself. He says his main focus right now is getting his stuff in order... Get a job, maybe two, save money, and support me and the baby as much as possible. He says he doesn't love me...but he cares about me and I am important to him. He wants to take care of me and he wants me to take care of myself. He said "Either way, this will end up with us happy being apart or happy being together. You won't feel like this forever." He says he doesn't know what will happen with this girl, and that's not his concern or his focus right now. He also said she isn't technically his "girlfriend" and that he doesn't know what she is. Just someone he is seeing.

    That's what he fed me. I have no remorse or pity for him. I told him that point blank, he did not respect me enough to wait before jumping into a new relationship. He said "You can't help it when you meet someone". Yes, you can. You can walk the hell away.

    Also my parents are not going to let me stay there indefinitely... My Dad wants to set a time limit. Josh is coming to pack the rest of my stuff and move me tomorrow morning.
     
  5. skittledoo

    skittledoo Crazy naked dog lady

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    He sounds like a sack of ****.... sorry
     
  6. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    I second a court order to make him pay (don't know the laws if you aren't married & have a child) you don't have to do this ... But this is what I would do because when someone screws me over this royally I become a huge "b" word. I would tell the right people (whoever this is I have no idea ???) that you don't want this man anywhere near your kid due to him being a bad influence also if the parents don't get along IMHO it's better if there is no visitation.
     
  7. Red Chrome

    Red Chrome New Member

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    Become self sufficient.

    My friend was MARRIED 7 years has 2 kids and got divorced, she gets less than $200/month for both kids and that is supposed to take care of their needs, it doesn't even come close. She works her ass off, works 2 jobs and does things on the side for extra money(crochets blankets, sews stuff etc.) to make ends meet for her kids. Their dad is now almost non existent, just pops in every once in awhile.

    She is self sufficient. She too had to stay with her dad after the divorce 2 years ago. He also gave her a time limit, afterall his kids are raised.

    Buck up and get with it. Get out there, get a job and make stuff happen for you and your unborn baby.
     
  8. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    You're in the U.S.?

    If he's on the birth certificate, unless he gets testing done proving this child is not his, he is on the hook for support until this child is 18.

    Have it paid through the clerk of the court. That way THEY know when it doesn't come in.

    As one of the attorneys I worked for used to explain to guys, "you are the father of a child, your rights to choose whether or not to support that child are as non-existent as the rights of a field hand in pre-Civil War Mississippi."

    If he doesn't pay his child support, that can be used to enhance his sentence for the other stuff. If he's not in jail and doesn't pay he can be arrested for non-payment . . . and typically the only way to bond out before a hearing is to pay all the arrears.

    A lot of guys get by with not paying . . . but it's always hanging over their heads, even the ones who consciously tell themselves they won't get caught.

    Frankly, you and this baby might be better off if he does go deadbeat and disappears and neither of you ever see or hear from him again.

    Oh, and grandparents rarely get any legal status and visitation rights.
     
  9. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    Yep ...if it was just you then you would have the luxury of "wallowing" but you have a kid in the way, time to buck up & "put on your big girl boots" as we say.

    That Being said ... I know it feels like crap right now, I really do. I have been cheated on in the past by someone who did almost the exact thing josh did to you (sans the child of course, I always insist on a condom).

    Which brings me to another question/ view: I know there is nothing you can do about it now, but the question keeps popping up in my head as to why you would have unprotected sex with someone who (I think your intuition was telling you) was not a stand-up dude? Again not beating a dead horse .... Just curious.
     
  10. Grab

    Grab Active Member

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    Firstly, he did not go to jail because he was on his way to her house..he went to jail because he's a criminal who couldn't be an adult and turn himself in.

    She is not a homewrecker..he is. He chose to, again, not be an adult and clearly end a relationship (although it does sound like he hinted) before moving on to the next one.

    Would you really want someone to stay with you simply out of obligation?

    Why did he have sex (unprotected or not) with someone he wasn't in love with anymore? Because some guys are slimy and will have sex when it is available.

    I would suggest getting a job or two now, while you're early in your pregnancy. Save up all that you can.

    And yes, definitely make sure he is financially responsible for his child. Get a legal order, even if you're on civil terms.
     
  11. spiffy

    spiffy New Member

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    Agree!! Start over now that he is out of your life. Life may seem so bleak now but everything will turn out fine. After the rain comes sunshine.
     
  12. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

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    @grab yeah Im always surprised that the other woman is always blamed when its the MAN who was really instrumental in the affair ... That the "other woman" has most likely also been lied to as well & in most cases is also being deceived.
     
  13. ACooper

    ACooper Moderator

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    I'm going to disagree.

    While I DO agree whoever is in the committed relationship is ultimately to blame (they made a committment, they are sneaking around and lying, etc) I do not agree that "most" other parties are clueless or being lied to. In fact, I'd go as far to say VERY FEW cheating partners are in the dark.........whether that's their story when busted or not.

    I've know far too many guys/girls who actively CHASED people in relationships.......I mean nearly to the point of stalking.......until they got what they wanted. STILL, the committed person has the majority of responsibility IMO.

    If Kevin ever cheated (ROFL) I would hold HIM responsible........doesn't mean I'd be happy with the girl, but it is KEVIN who made promises to me, not her.
     
  14. milos_mommy

    milos_mommy Active Member

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    You can get an order for child support during pregnancy, before the baby is born. ( you won't get money during pregnancy, but it will be taken care of and start immediately after the birth). Also, unless you and josh file paperwork separate from the birth certificate, he will not be on the birth certificate, even if you name him the father on the application.
     
  15. MicksMom

    MicksMom Active Member

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    I think that varies from state to state. No matter, it's something that definitely needs to be looked into.
     
  16. MilliesMom

    MilliesMom Member

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    I agree with this, especially the part about saving all that you can. You have a few months to get your ducks in a row, don't waste your time moping over him.

    I am going to disagree with one thing that's been brought up. It's very unlikely you'll be able to keep your child away from his/her father just because he's a thief (and he's not convicted yet, is he?), liar, and a cheater. Right now you're pretty much stuck with him, and his family. As long as he and his family are not going to physically hurt your child, your best bet is not to burn your bridges. That's not saying you have to live in their back pockets, but you could offer to email his parents pregnancy updates periodically. Just make it clear that it will not become a conversation, it's in the interest of your child having a relationship with his/her family in the future, not YOU having anything to do with them.

    Completely separate from the concept of support. You get your tush moving on setting up support and the beginning talks of visitation rights. There's still the likelihood that he'll be in jail when the child is born? Get the paperwork started as soon as the courts will allow.
     
  17. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    Sometimes everyone has to live with their bad decisions.

    Get rid of him, get working on the support order. It doesn't just happen and it takes some time, so get going on it now.

    Most likely, if he wants to be around, you're going to have to let him be involved. It might suck, but it is how it is. Although women have it so much easier when it comes to this than men do, that is for certain. So he might not get much contact if he wants it.
     
  18. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    Especially this, 1000x's over
     
  19. stardogs

    stardogs Behavior Nerd

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    In addition to what other people have said about this situation, please let your OB/midwife know that your ex-bf was cheating on you and you were having unprotected sex - you will likely need to be screened for STDs/STIs to make sure your baby isn't put at risk during gestation and/or birth. I know he said that he hasn't had sex with this woman, but he's already lied too many times to count. :(
     
  20. MilliesMom

    MilliesMom Member

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    Oh gosh yes, THIS - before all else.
     
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