Friend advice or: how shallow am I?

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Jules, Dec 30, 2012.

  1. Southpaw

    Southpaw orange iguanas.

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2005
    Messages:
    7,788
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    7
    Location:
    Minnesota
    As usual, I love Fran's advice.

    Suggesting something like a haircut is in no way asking someone to change themselves or pretend to be something they're not. It's a hair style. I have had my hair long and short, straight and curly... yep, I might prefer a certain style (but my preferences cchange daily), and certain styles might attract more notice than others, as well. But it doesn't change ME. It's not an act I have to keep up.... it's just hair.

    And yeah, I definitely notice people more if I think they have a rockin hairstyle or a sweet pair of shoes, or what have you. It's not that good hair is a prerequisite for me wanting to get to know you, lol but it's what draws a person in initially.... if you are trying to MEET people, it's your appearance and the way you carry yourself that is going to make someone want to get to know you instead of all the other people that might be around.

    Not that a hairstyle is necessarily going to be the thing that makes men chase her, but it doesn't hurt to switch it up.

    So no I don't think there's anything wrong with the suggestion being made. It mostly depends on how you say it. Would I bring it up out of the blue, nope. But if she vents to you about it, and you casually suggest that maybe trying to spice things up with a new haircut would help... I think you'd be fine.
     
  2. Samantha's pet

    Samantha's pet New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2007
    Messages:
    2,609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    Just Annie
    Location:
    Benton Arkansas
    Home Page:
    I agree. If she is ASKING you for help or advice I would say in a totally friendly way, "What about spicing it up a bit? You have had the same look your whole life and your hair has so much potential." Do y'all have the kind of relationship where you could joke around like they do on the show "What Not to Wear"? I know I would feel comfortable being honest in that way with most of my friends. Kind of a poking fun but complimenting at the same time type of thing.

    Actually I would probably just come out with it. Next time she brings it up just ask her if she wants your suggestion and then just say "Here's the thing. You are so beautiful but you are hiding in boy clothes. I think you would turn heads left and right if you played up your good features and went for a more feminine look. You aren't getting noticed because you present yourself as if you just want to blend in."

    I fully believe that you can dress and look 100% put together while still being true to your own style and who you are.
     
  3. Tahla9999

    Tahla9999 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2008
    Messages:
    1,105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    I wish I would have taken the advice of my family long time ago to be more critical about my appearance.

    Growing up, I was the type of girl who could care less about appearance. Seriously. I found shopping to be the most boring thing in existence. Shopping for clothes, why? Lets go to the book store! I honestly let my mother pick out all of my clothes because I just didn't want to be bothered with it. Even then, when I choose clothes to wear, I would put anything on, not bothering to look in the mirror. My family would comment all the time that I look like a throw away child. I didn't find appearances important. At the same time, I had low self esteem and didn't really brother trying to look good.

    Lets just say that altitude change, and thank heavens it did. I don't see it as changing myself, but representing who I am in a better light. I am tom boyish but I can appear that way and look good at the same time. My confidence has made a leap too. I like it when I go out looking good. I smile more, socialize more, and people treat me different too. When I was shy and dressing down, most people didn't brother to socialize with me. When I was shy and cared about my appearance, people were much more interested in me. There are other factors as well, but I do think that when people see someone well dress, they form a better opinion of them and they are seen a much more approachable. I've been asked out by a lot of people when I actually started caring about the way I dress. It actually surprised me. Someone made a good point that when someone makes an effort to look nice, it gives a signal to those who are looking that you may be available. I say give her the advice.
     
  4. Southpaw

    Southpaw orange iguanas.

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2005
    Messages:
    7,788
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    7
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Yeah same here. I look at old pictures of myself and am like WHY was I allowed to go out in public. =P Not that there was anything "wrong" with how I looked but... I care more now, and I just didn't care then. Sweatpants and hoodies were common attire because they were comfortable. Hair was thrown in a ponytail - mostly because at that point I didn't know how to manage my curls, but also I just didn't care enough to put any time into my hair.

    And it's not even that I put in this horrendous amount of effort these days, either. I spend 20 minutes styling my hair before I go to bed. I wear jeans instead of sweats. I might put on some mascara. I'm just more aware of how I look and honestly it makes me feel better, and it's not that I ever felt bad before, I just didn't know how much better I felt when I presented myself more positively until I actually tried it.

    It didn't change myself at all. In fact I like this way better because I get to reflect more of myself into my appearance - the style of jeans I wear, the type of brightly colored shoes, the electric green eyeliner...

    Anyway. I think it's a fine point to bring up, maybe it's something she's never really thought about, or maybe she has but just needs to hear it from someone else to "verify"?
     
  5. ~Tucker&Me~

    ~Tucker&Me~ and Spy.

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2005
    Messages:
    4,940
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    2 Dog, 1 cat, 2 lovebirds, fish galore
    Location:
    B.C.
    I agree with Fran and the others, and the next time she vents, I would say it like "I am sad to see you down about this. You know what you should do? Treat yourself to a mini shopping spree and go get a new haircut! Spoil yourself a little and it will totally bring your confidence and your mood up. I know you have been feeling down about this and I really think you should do this for yourself."

    When people feel good about a new outfit or haircut, it can completely change their demeanour. If she has looked the same for ages, a change could give her a new edge and make her feel worlds better.
     
  6. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2003
    Messages:
    94,266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    3, Bimmer, GSDX (m); Kharma, Fila Brasileiro (f);
    Location:
    Where the selas blooms
    Home Page:
    Even though you're not able to go with her, the two of you could do things like pass photos of possible hairstyles back and forth until she finds one she likes, makeup, clothes, shoes . . . maybe do something together on Pinterest?
     
  7. JacksonsMom

    JacksonsMom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2009
    Messages:
    8,693
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Maryland
    Totally agree!

    I feel so much better about myself when I'm done up a bit, and don't feel the need to avoid eye contact (like I do when I'm having a "look bad" day - woke up too late, threw hair up, kind of day, LOL). It definitely gives you confidence that you didn't know you had. And I always think it's worth the effort to do little things even.

    I have a friend who is somewhat similar to this. Literally just doesn't put any thought into her appearance. And her big hobby is going to concerts, and meeting the bands, etc, so you'd think she'd put some effort into. But no, she always just throws her hair back in a low pony tail, no makeup, etc. And she's almost 30. Nicest person in the world... but sometimes I just wish I could nicely say 'wax your eyebrows! throw on some eye make up! style your hair!'... but never have we been asked by her for an opinion so we don't give it. But it makes me sad. I think her self esteem would sky rocket if she even did the little things.
     
  8. JacksonsMom

    JacksonsMom Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2009
    Messages:
    8,693
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    Maryland
    Totally this! And don't get me wrong... I'll just sometimes wear my sweats and hoodies and throw my hair up. But that's trips to, like, 711 and stuff. I also work in a daycare in a gym, so attire isn't super important. But gosh I do the same thing... see pics of myself sometimes and I'm like WHY?!? Live and learn. But literally, now, I can't stand if I don't get my eyebrows waxed, put on some mascara at least, and do something to my hair.

    But yes totally agree with this post.
     
  9. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

    Joined:
    May 31, 2012
    Messages:
    4,168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    2
    Location:
    Gillett/Flower Mound TX
    Yeah all this would be insensitive or shallow if the friend was happy with herself the way she is ... But she clearly isn't (at least that's what I got from reading this thread) & I don't think it's bad to try to help her with that ... I think you are being a good friend! :)

    I would start by Asking HER what SHE wants to change or where she wants to start & start from there: if its new clothes then go on a little shopping spree (love the heck outta Ross/marshals/ Burlington, you can often find some great clothes at great prices). Aeropostale & American eagle are also great places to find good clothes ... ESP now with all their holiday stuff on sale.
     
  10. spiffy

    spiffy New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2012
    Messages:
    319
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Giving unsolicited advice is very difficult even to very close friends. But since she is complaining about the guys she meets and about the lack of romance in her life, I guess subtle suggestions on how she can improve her looks may be beneficial.
     
  11. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2011
    Messages:
    3,199
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Occupation:
    9 not counting ducks, chickens, and fish
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    This worries me though...the idea of it. Self esteem should not be based on if your eyebrows are waxed, or your hair styled, etc.

    I TOTALLY get that sometimes little things help, and there is NOTHING wrong with having a makeover or doing fun stuff. It took me a long time to realize its not shallow to enjoy playing with makeup or spending time on my hair etc. So I am totally not saying that...>BUT I do think its a dangerous road to have self esteem tied to superficial looks.
     
  12. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

    Joined:
    May 31, 2012
    Messages:
    4,168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    2
    Location:
    Gillett/Flower Mound TX
    No but if she doesn't feel good about herself & those things make her feel better about herself then it's all good IMO

    I for one feel better when I take some extra time to: put perfume on, paint my nails or "dress up" if course I like myself no matter what ... I just feel better when I shave the typical places & whatnot.
     
  13. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2003
    Messages:
    94,266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    3, Bimmer, GSDX (m); Kharma, Fila Brasileiro (f);
    Location:
    Where the selas blooms
    Home Page:
    I don't think they're saying their self-esteem is based on how they look or the care they take with their appearance, but that it's a boost of confidence. Looking good can make you feel good. Like a compliment that you get to give yourself.

    Reminding yourself that, like the commercial says, "you're worth it."

    And who DOESN'T get a boost when someone tells you you're beautiful? Especially when it's a total stranger? (Unless, of course, it's someone you recognize from PeopleofWalmart.com ;) )
     
  14. Dogdragoness

    Dogdragoness Happy Spring!!!!

    Joined:
    May 31, 2012
    Messages:
    4,168
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Occupation:
    2
    Location:
    Gillett/Flower Mound TX
    Hahaha love people of Walmart. Com

    No I'm not saying that it should be the "reason" you have confidence but who doesn't feel better about themselves fresh after a shower for example when everything is shaved &/or trimmed & you smell good & are clean & smell good? Also even attached ladies get a boost of confidence when men check them out, I am not the prettiest girl around but I have a good attitude & like myself & I'm sure they projects onto others.
     

Share This Page