Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dreeza, Aug 6, 2012.
ended up breaking up with him.
As everything sunk in, I ended up realizing how angry/betrayed/manipulated I felt by it.
This just sucks. How am I every supposed to know when someone is being honest with me? He seemed like such an honest guy :/
Ugh I am sorry. In the end it will probably be better off but my philosophy is trust until they give you a reason not to. I feel like this was reason to not trust this person but try not to let it affect future relationships negatively by not being willing or able to trust.
I know people keep saying that he shouldn't have to tell you... That if you habe an issue you should ask but IMO if they are YOUR kids it is your responsibility to tell about them and not someone elses responsibility to grill you about it.
So sorry for the heartache you're going through *hugs*
That's not really exactly what people were saying...but w/e not really the point anymore. But I think we would all agree that anyone, including the OP, has the right to end a relationship over something important to them.
Yeah not the point now but that is the impressiOn i got. If you had an issue why didn't you ask... Maybe he didn't bring it up because he wants someone to
Like him for him... But when you are a parent being a parent IS YOU!!!!
Breaking up always sucks :/
But just because he hid stuff doesn't mean everyone will.
I'm glad I shut up about this. I was going to suggest breaking up but though you might find that to be over stepping the mark. My personal rule is never date a man with kids. Ever, ever again.
*hugs* I'm so sorry hun. Break ups are hard.
The part that baffles me is I never shut up about my son. It's the first thing that comes ou of my mouth after someone asks my name. How someone would have left it unsaid for so long is unfair to you.
Agree and agree! Definitely don't think a parent should be taking every date home to meet their kids, (for emotional protection for the kids) but by the 2nd/3rd date the PARENT should be mentioning the fact they are a PARENT. Not the same as hiding/holding back an ex spouse, he/she doesn't have to be in the picture EVER again in most cases............children on the other hand are a life time committment that'd you'd be part (in some capacity) of if you ended up together.
Sorry you're hurting, but I don't think you made the wrong decision.......I would have walked too. He gave you more than one reason to do so IMO
Thanks guys. This is something i have been dealing with for a LONG time...I somehow, relationship after relationship....always trust what the person is saying.
What I have a hard time doing is trusting MY judgement of that person...cause it seems to be so continuously wrong. Which is just continuously a slap in the face, cause I overwhelmingly have a good read on people (or maybe I;m just crazy).
I don't know if it makes any sense to say that I do trust them, but don't trust my judgement, but this is the thing I come to all the time.
Maybe you are subconsicously really do want kids and am drawn to the father types.
I really dont blame the dad for not telling you right out front , look how fast you dropped him , not saying you are wrong or anything. but it is common to see baggae and not the person who carries it.
And yes while being a parent IS important , it is not the end all be all of a person , I am the same person I was before kids , I just now have more to love and torture erm nurture . lol
but I do wish you all the best and have faith , you will find someone when you least expect it!
When you meet the right one, you won't need to make threads like this.
That's how you'll know
I just wanted to point out that she didn't drop him just because he's a dad if you read her post it's also because he hid a large portion of his life from her. And it was a large portion of his life he SHOULD have been open with from the beginning.
And I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way especially since so many people here have children but IMO NO ONE is the same person that they were before they had kids. You may still have the same/similar beliefs, sense of humor, and personality. But you have WAAAAAAY different priorities and responsibilities than you did before you have kids. These aren't small differences these are huge giant game changing differences.
I really DON'T understand why he hid it. He was worried about her bolting? Well... A) if someone bolts because you have kids is that the person you would want to be with and have your kids around anyway? And B). Is prolonging the bolting a month or two going to make it easier on anyone? Not likely
I did read it , who you are at the core does not change. your priorities change sure , but fundamentally the person you are is who you are. babies popping out does not majically make a person make better/worse/different choices. if it did then there would be no child ever abused.
in this case i feel he would not have changed , because the kids are here (well there) already .
anyway , i DO NOT Blame her for breaking , her feeling are her feeling no matter what and she is entitled to them.
Just wanted to clarify again I do not blame her , but i can see his side.
yah, i definitely see his side as well. I get why he did it. Just don't think it is right. He started playing the "im feeling so sorry for myself" card, so I ended up writing him this in an email:
I have been thinking about writing this email ever since you left Tuesday...still a little hesitant, but I think I just need to ensure some things are cleared up. I hope you understand that while some of these things may not exactly be the kindest words, I am writing this because I care about you & in hope that it will help you in the future. Even though it might not be want you want to read in the short term.
While I understand that things did not go the way you hoped, it is very hard to feel sorry for you in this situation. While (I believe) unintentional, you brought this upon yourself. You not only waited til I was emotionally involved - but you clearly were as well, therefore making it harder for you to deal with this end result. I suppose I could have asked, but I truly trusted that you were the type of person who would have shared such information. When I was in Seattle, my sister even asked if you had been married - I said 'no'...and even followed it up with 'well, i guess i never actually asked, but I'm sure he would have told me if he had been'. And it is THAT aspect...that you waited to tell me... that led to my decision to end things. It is NOT because you have children or were married.
It is tough to say what I would have responded had you told me after a 3rd or 4th date, especially since on Monday night, I really was willing to give it a try...until it dawned on me how upset I was about the fact that you not only waited to tell me...but that I'm not even sure if you would have told me then had I not directly asked about you having kids. If you recall...you still did not voluntarily share that information.
Anyways, I don't know what else to say...I really do not think you did any of this (and if I am wrong about this...don't correct me...that will really **** with my already ****ed up head) out of any sort of malicious intent. I think you are a really great guy & overwhelmingly have good qualities. I am usually the master of finding something wrong with people, and up until Monday...the only bad thing I could 'find' was just that you seemed 'guarded & hesitant' about something (ha). I guess I just want you to know that I don't think you are a bad person - I just think you made a big mistake here. And I'm hoping me being honest with you will help prevent you from making it again in the future."
He answered (won't include it), but it seemed to be a very sincere apology, which I really didn't feel like i had received up until then. So I just responded back saying that I appreciated it & forgave him.
Now I just hope it is closed.
The more I think about it, the more I think I would have given it a shot had he told me appropriately.
I totally agree with your e-mail to him & I would've done the same thing! It's hard to break up, but you have to do what is best for YOU. Just suppressing feelings and living with resentment isn't healthy. I've found out that, especially with guys, if you let lies slide they just think it's ok and it only gets worse. Omg, the fact that it was you who had to directly ask about kids to find out after all this time? That bothers me even more. :/ I wonder how long he would've gone before telling you? I wouldn't want to do anything with someone like that which could result in me getting pregnant... and God forbid having his kids, who he'd go on to hide from future girlfriends. That's not right! I'm sorry you were misled like that... but I'm glad you went with your gut and didn't put up with being lied to.