Dating someone with kids...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dreeza, Aug 6, 2012.

  1. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    But you don't have the whole conversation. You don't have a transcript of the situation. It seems to me like it was a tl;dr version of the conversation. You just don't know.

    Unless people have REALLY weird conversations :confused:
     
  2. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Pretty much just like you guys have decided it's ok for this guy, because he definitely doesn't sound like a 'dad', to say to someone he would put them before their kids.

    If you aren't responsible enough to put your kids before fun making more kids time. You aren't responsible enough for me to think you are worth anyone who wants a serious relationships time.

    ETA: If you ARE just wanting sexy fun time go for it just be safe. He already has two kids he hides.
     
  3. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    I didn't get that at all. I got that it would have been a deal breaker if it was one of the first things she knew about him. Now that she has gotten to know him better, as himself, it's not as big of a deal.
     
  4. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    Except that I never said it's ok for him. Not once. Why? Because I don't actually know the situation.
     
  5. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Like I said I don't really care how it lead up to it. Saying

    Should never have been said. Any way you twist it he's putting someone else in front of something that is his responsibility.
     
  6. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    But you don't know he said that.

    You know he said something that she took as that. Doesn't mean he said it or he meant it like that.
     
  7. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    his future wife/gf/whatever would come first<-- what else could that mean? I mean to me that seems pretty clear.
     
  8. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    and as a parent who did date while being a parent you make it pretty clear one way or another because you are usually adament one way or another.
     
  9. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    Really?

    "minus the kids I have no reservations at all". "it doesn't seem he wants a mother for his kids". It could VERY easily end up that he becomes soul guardian of the kids if anything happened to mom. You get involved with someone with kids... You need to be prepared to be step mom/acting mom.

    Be willing to love the kids or get out of the relationship.
     
  10. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

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    That's putting words in my mouth in a big way. So no, not like that at all.
     
  11. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    But you don't know that he said that. You know that that's how Dreeza took it. It very well could have been a misunderstanding, cause, you know, those never happen between people.
     
  12. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    hell i wouldnt even say so far as love that is IDEAL but at least LIKE and be willing to put your feelings/wants aside for this kid.
     
  13. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    You guys are saying that maybe he meant something else. So I'm just asking what else can this:

    mean?
     
  14. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    I don't know, I mean, there's going to be some "con" to every person you start a relationship with. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You weigh the pros and the cons and see if the relationship is worth persuing to you. The cons aren't a bad thing, it's just the less than ideal. Obviously, if she's thinking about staying with him, they're not the worst thing ever.

    It's good he doesn't want a mother for his children. His children have a mother. She will NEVER be their mother, whether he suddenly has custody or not.
     
  15. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    It could mean that that is what she took it to mean.

    I mean, I know that when I say somebody said something, I don't say word for word what they said. I say my interpretation of what they said/how I remember it.
     
  16. Dreeza

    Dreeza New Member

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    i actually did tell him that...which made me really understand his perspective and WHY he didn't tell me from the start. Every girl he has told from the start has peaced out on date one. I totally get it, honestly. And for about 3 weeks of the month & a half, we didnt see each other cause we were both out of town. I do wish he told me earlier, but that I can forgive easily. For everyone overanalyzing that...whatever. Not my issue here.

    For all overanalyzing the comment of not putting his kids first...also not an issue. Again, for day to day things (we got into this), of course kids & their immediate needs come first. But from his perspective (and actually something I strongly agree with), many couples end up forgetting about their spouse once they have children...he feels it is very important to always keep the spouse's needs in minds & first when possible. I don't feel that this is usually a conflict.

    I DO want to probe him a bit more about his involvement & dedication to them, as he did not seem like he wanted to get into it...but my immediate impression of it was NOT cause he didn't like them (he clearly stated he does regret his marriage, but absolutely loves his kids)...but cause he was scared really talking about them was going to for sure scare me off for good. I wasn't exactly like "oh kids!? fantastic!" I definitely had a "WTF" reaction, so its understandable (to me at least), that he didn't want to be like "OMG, let me tell you ALL about them.". If he continues not to act so closed about them, then YES, I would consider that a red flag. Right now I just see a guy with a lot of bad dating history, clueless about how to deal with his past decisions & how they are affecting how he wants to get on with his life.

    RTH - as per usual, I agree with you. I can't decide if kids are a deal breaker. I think someone said something about what would happen if the ex-wife died...not that I even want to say this, cause it is horrible to think about, but honestly, while I want children...I don't want to deal with birth & babies, so I prob wouldn't have an issue with that. I am currently going as the legal guardian to my niece & nephew if anything happens (god forbid) to my sis & her husband...something I willingly agreed to...so yah?

    I think the best insight this thread is giving me is how defensive of him I am being in my mind when I read the negative posts. Makes me realize how much I like him.
     
  17. Dreeza

    Dreeza New Member

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    I think at this point, I am willing to pursue things & collect further info. You guys have definitely helped me raise some additional, important questions.
     
  18. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    no but she will be in a mother role and if she doesnt want that responsibility then its not fair to her, him or the kids. I was not Connors mom and I still made sure he got to the dr when he was sick, school meetings, meds, feeding him, making sure he was cared for was all part of my life because we were living together raising kids.
     
  19. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Sounds like she took it to mean what he meant it to mean. Something like what he said doesn't really have that many meanings.
     
  20. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    Meaning that right now, he can't move across the country (for whatever reason). Hypothetically he wants to, eventually. Suppose he falls in love and gets married, and he has the opportunity to move to the west coast--but at that point wife's job is stuck in DC, or wife's parents are deathly ill and they need to stay close to them, or whatever happens, and they can't move. Is he supposed to divorce her or move across the country without her? Is wife supposed to just abandon her parents because the kids should "always come first no matter what"?

    Basically, that once the relationship is serious the decision to uproot and move has to be a joint decision. Because marriages are supposed to be just that.

    Or maybe it's exactly what you are saying, and he's an asshat. But without knowing the whole story, I don't feel like you can make judgements one way or the other.
     

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