Dating someone with kids...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dreeza, Aug 6, 2012.

  1. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Or he's saying what he thinks she wants to hear.

    And I know people have already disagreed but gah a month and a half? I get not telling the first date but after a week or two I'd think a giant life affecting incident like having kids would have been brought up.

    I have quite a few friends who are parents who are VERY open about having kids. Right from the start. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people so why waste their time? And why waste your time with someone who thinks something that is going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life is a deal breaker?
     
  2. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    One how do you know she up and left? Making her out to be this horrible person for up and taking the kids across the country without him.. For all we know they lived there together and he left. OR they both left the area they lived together.

    The point is when kids are concernedin a realtionship its best to tell your ideal overall so that the other person knows exactly what would happen if put in that position. Kids throw a whole lot of something else in the mixespecially when it has to do with things like the oppourtunity to move or not.
     
  3. CaliTerp07

    CaliTerp07 New Member

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    I don't think him living across the country from his kids is a deal breaker. You don't know the whole situation yet. Maybe they're in some small podunk place where there is no job market and him moving there would be a waste of time. Maybe his wife just up and left and he's in the process of figuring out if moving out there is a permanent thing or just a temporary one. Maybe this is for the best. Who knows? I'd want to know the whole story before making judgement on the situation.

    The part that scares me is that it took a month and a half to come out that he had kids and an ex wife. DH and I discussed former relationships on our second date.

    I am a big, big proponent of dating people of a similar age and similar stage of life. No way would I want to have a serious relationship with someone who had already done all those things without me.
     
  4. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    Pretty good summation.

    Chill out. See where things go if you like him and are enjoying time together. It's not like he's asked you to marry him already.
     
  5. ihartgonzo

    ihartgonzo and Fozzie B!

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    I think it really depends on how much you like the guy, how willing you are to be a Stepmom, and how you feel about his parenting in general... to me it sounds like he's not that great of a Dad. :/ No offense - but for some one to hide from you for 1 1/2 months the fact that he has 2 kids - effectively lying and wasting your time, they cannot be a proud, involved parent. I get it. It's HARD to date when you have kids. It's HARD to find some one who accepts that. But that does not make it ok to lie. That would repel me from wanting to be with some one, the shame about having kids in general. It's not something I look for in a serious boyfriend.

    I went on ONE date with this guy, who I really liked and still do! He was attractive, charming, smart and very successful. We talked for like 5 hours into the night, and I was like "Wow you're 26 and awesome. How do you not have a wife? Or kids?" And he just shrugged it off, saying he doesn't know, that's just how it is. I tried to add him on facebook and he wouldn't add me. Then through a mutual friend I saw that he had 2 kids. I told him he needs to stop denying & being ashamed of his adorable children... that's not fair to his kids OR to me! I'm still friends with him and we talk occasionally, but I'm not interested in dating some one who lies that easily about something so big.

    I can't judge your new BF though! He might be great. I dated a guy who was a groomer where I worked, and he was an awesome Dad. We were both 22 at the time, and he had 2 children by his ex wife. He got married when he was 18 and went into the military... he made poor choices, like everyone does when they're young. That didn't change the fact that he's an awesome person, who could still have fun and be young, while also being a great parent. I knew about his kids the first day I met him and I loved that he was proud of them and took responsibility for them. I never wanted to be a Stepmom, but he didn't force me to hang out with the kids, he let me choose. It's actually really nice to be able to spoil kids and be their favorite without having to do all the hard work. :) I wouldn't have built a relationship with him or his kids if I didn't love him and he wasn't worth it to me. It is a big change for a young person, so don't feel bad if you don't want to deal with getting involved with a parent! And keep in mind that if he's hidden something that important from you, what else could he be hiding?
     
  6. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    Am I the only one that realizes the irony of the way this thread has gone? XD REALLY?


    Dreeza, if it's not a deal breaker for you right now, and you like him thus far, just chill out and go with it. It's not like he's expecting you to meet his kids and suddenly become a mother to them. I don't think he was hiding the fact... you said you were taking it slow, so he probably wanted to give you a chance to know HIM before adding kids to a mix.

    ETA:
    Where did he say he doesn't have kids? :confused:
     
  7. ihartgonzo

    ihartgonzo and Fozzie B!

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    I feel like withholding the truth is lying, when it's something as huge as having two children... and he just happened to never mention it in 6 weeks? That's a long time. I assume that in those 6 weeks they have talked about each other's lives, past relationships, etc.
     
  8. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    :hail:
     
  9. Renee750il

    Renee750il Felurian

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    Simple. ASK him why he didn't talk about his kids until now.
     
  10. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    This :hail:

    Not telling someone you only do laundry 2 times a month? Ok with hold that info.

    Not telling someone you wear crocs in public? Ok don't mention it.

    You have fathered two children and therefore have two lives you are a part of for the rest of your life. Maybe you should mention it.
     
  11. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

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    I'm with RTH on this. If the kids are a deal-breaker for YOU or if the possibility that he's going to want to move to be near them at some point is a deal-breaker for you then end it.

    If you really think he was hiding something and that bothers you then end it.

    Not everyone divulges things immediately. I know I don't. Doesn't mean I'm hiding anything, and I'm certainly not going to keep something that could cause real harm to another. But at the end of the day my business is my own, up to a certain point. Apparently the point where he felt it was important to tell you about this part of his life was now. If you want to make this work but have concerns, talk to him about it. If he's dated anyone else since his divorce he's probably had to answer those questions before...if not well there's no time like the present.
     
  12. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    She doesn't have to worry about that. He's already said his girlfriend comes before his children.
     
  13. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    So it's the withholding (lying) over a long time about something that you have an issue with?
     
  14. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

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    And I still say an actual conversation about what was said and what was heard and what was meant should happen before demonizing anyone.

    Because you know there are never failures in communication among the human race during moments of stress.
     
  15. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    I mean that part which is the main thing I have an issue with seems pretty clear.

    Making him constantly repeat it is just setting it up for him to start backpedalling once he realizes that's not what she wanted to hear.

    I've always gone with what people say is what they mean. Why constantly push it and question it until he say what you want. That isn't getting the truth that's just them exhibiting appeasement behavior.
     
  16. JessLough

    JessLough Love My Mutt

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    But you don't have the whole conversation.
     
  17. Shai

    Shai & the Muttly Crew

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    She doesn't have to worry about that. She's already made up her mind.

    :p
     
  18. ihartgonzo

    ihartgonzo and Fozzie B!

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    Yes. Especially when it's something that could be a huge deal-breaker for some people, like the OP... it's just wasting their time & toying with their feelings. I assume that he knows that it can be a deal breaker, and that's why he waited so long to tell her. I find it really messed up to wait until some one has invested time and emotions into a relationship to be honest with them about your life. How long do you find it acceptable for a SO to omit the truth about having children? 1 year? Forever?

    If me and my boyfriend broke up, I would tell anyone that I dated HAPPILY that I have a kid. I'm not ashamed of it. If they had an issue with that, I don't want either of us to waste our time. I feel like once you have children, anyone you date needs to understand that it's a package deal.

    Obviously, this may or may not be an issue for the OP, but she did ask for our opinions and some people are more serious about this than others. We don't know him and can't say anything for sure but we can express what we'd do and how we'd feel. I wouldn't be ok with this situation if I was her... but she shouldn't dump some one based on advice from people on a message board! And she won't, I'm positive of that. ;)
     
  19. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    This is all I really need to know:

    After having a ton of friends in elementary/middleschool/high school with divorced parents and them having to go through only seeing one parent a couple times a year and being constantly hurt that the parent decided to do things that didn't involve them and was fun for the parent instead of being good for the kids I have NO tolerance for anyone not putting their kids first.

    No reason for them to not have the kids first and no reason for them to even vocalize that they won't be putting their kids first.
     
  20. sparks19

    sparks19 I'd rather be at Disney

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    Forget HIS plans for the future. What sticks out to me is that you say if he had said this from the start you would be out of there but since he almost never sees them it seems ok. I would end it right there. He has children... You woild have ended it if you knew before bit since they aren't around it is OK but that could change in an instant.

    If you don't want to be a step mom
    And deal with his kids full time then end it. You are doing a disservice to both of you by going along as long as the kids are on the other side of the country.

    At least be honest with him that you would have been out of there by day one if you knew he had kids and that you are not willing to be a step mother.
     

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