Dating someone with kids...

Discussion in 'The Fire Hydrant' started by Dreeza, Aug 6, 2012.

  1. Dreeza

    Dreeza New Member

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    Hey guys,

    I know I don't come on often anymore, but I could really use some advice, as I just don't know anyone knowledgeable to ask in this situation...

    I've been dating a guy for about 1.5 months...and we've been taking things pretty slow. Today he dropped the bomb that he was previously married for 7 years & has 3 kids.

    I'm 26...he is 32.

    Had he told me that on the first date, it woulda ended there. Not cause of the marriage...but because of the kids.

    He DOES want to get married again & does want more kids. he has a good relationship with the kids, but really doesn't see them much (they come for about 4 wks in the summer & sometimes spring break), but they live in Cali now.

    Minus the kids, I have no reservations about the guy. He is willing to answer any q's i have, but I honestly don't even know what ones to ask.

    My biggest one was if he wants to move to Cali to be closer, and he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first, and she would have to be ok with it. I think he obvs wants someone who will be involved with the kids when they are around, but they have a mom & are about to get a step-dad, so it doesn't seem like he is looking for a new mom for them or anything.

    This is something sooooo outta my realm. I'm still absorbing it. I overanalyze the crap outta things, but I'm like at a loss here.

    Right now, since the kids are so far away, its kinda like 'whatever', but I dont know if there are other big things I should be thinkng about that are just not occurring to me.

    help?
     
  2. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

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    The above really bothers me...sorry, the children should come first.

    I think at a certain point/age the chance of not having children is going to go down.
     
  3. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    ^^^ That. Jeremy and I both had kids when we met and BOTH kids came first in any choice we made.

    If hes going to put a wife or girlfriend above his kids I would be second geussing myself even without my own kids honestly.
     
  4. ~Dixie's_Mom~

    ~Dixie's_Mom~ ♥Chloe & Violet♥

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    Personally, it would bother me that he didn't say anything sooner. But I have no clue how I would react to the whole thing, tbh. My gut says I would have to break it off but I don't know. I'm only 20 so the idea is a bit scarier to me. I'd have to know the guy, which I don't, to really make a judgement.
     
  5. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Same here.

    The kids should ALWAYS BE FIRST. I don't care if you are soul mates who have a romantic movie connection. He has kids they should be first. If he isn't making it obvious they are first I'd question if he has his priorities straight.

    That being said...

    Once I know a guy has kids I'm gone. Especially if he's been hiding it.
     
  6. Dreeza

    Dreeza New Member

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    def see what you guys are saying, but I think in this case his kids are well cared for & he trusts them with the mom. Im sure if it was their actual wellbeing, that would be diff. she up & moved across the country without him, so I don't really think he should quit his job & move cross country to be by his ex wife.

    Oh, and he is looking for someone to date that is willing to be a 'step mom'. If I said I wanted to keep dating him but didnt want anything to do with the kids, I think he would break up with me
     
  7. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    For me doesn't matter they need to be first. Period.

    Even if they are in good hands he needs to be there putting them first too. He helped make them he needs to have constant responsibility for them.
     
  8. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    why? some courts are still so slanted just because someone has a vagina and maybe he realized long ago, he's not getting any more placement. Maybe they fought enough about placement and they have something between himself, his ex and the kids and it works. who knows the reasons, but if he's not living in Cali now why couldn't where his future wife wants to live be a consideration?

    it would be different if he had 50/50 and was like hey, i like you, let's move across the country, I don't care to see my kids anyway. But that's not the case here, at least it doesn't appear to be.

    Other than that a month and half is cool, but there's still so much to learn about someone. If kids are a deal breaker, then i'd just end it. if not, then see where it goes. It's not like everything ever goes according to plan anyway in life.
     
  9. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    Because its not just about moving. Its overall the kids need to be number 1. What if he has to up and leave for a medical reason and his new wife or girlfriend doesnt want him to? Is that ok because its not in the court document?
     
  10. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    Because this:

    Doesn't say that. It says 'yeah I guess I could move closer to my children who I should be doing MY ALL to have an active constant role in their life. But being with someone 'my age' who wants to do fun stuff seems easier/more fun'.

    At least that's how it seems to me.
     
  11. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

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    It has nothing to do with whether he trusts them with their mom or if they are being taken care of well. They are HIS children.

    I get that courts can be slanted....but according to HIS words as stated here, the ideal would be to move to CA but his new girlfriend/wife would come first...sorry, wrong answer.
     
  12. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    You dont want to know my response to what would happen if Jeremy had a new wife or girlfriend and told me he wasnt moving closer to our kids just because of her.

    ETA: Money, Job, what not, even if HE doesnt want to but if he wanted to and she refused and he let that slide. Oh HELLLLLLL no.
     
  13. Greenmagick

    Greenmagick New Member

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    And I do want to add....I would caution immediately dismissing a guy just because of children....many AWESOME men have children and as I said earlier, after a certain age is going to be even more common.

    I understand the extra layer they bring for sure, but IMO often the people we end up being great matches with are the opposite of what we think we want;)
     
  14. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    Plus say just god forbid something happens and the mother passes he will then be the sole parent and you (general you) are the mother now.
     
  15. yoko

    yoko New Member

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    For me having kids is a deal breaker. I get that the guy may be a awesome and fun. But he took a path that I don't really want to be a part of. So for some people it just is something that is a definite no go.

    Someone will stick it out and hopefully those two make a great couple. But me and a guy with kids? Sorry no, never.

    I think my issue here is he isn't putting his kids first and is talking about wanting more kids. What happens when he thinks they are in good hands and wants to make more kids?
     
  16. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    I didnt even catch that!

    Yeah I would RUNNNNNNNN. Granted my husband put my families first for the move here but it was after alot of CAREFUL consideration and out of what we were hoping a medical and family need. It wasnt just a carefree we want to move so we are.
     
  17. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    I think people are reading way too much into things. He knows a girl he likes for a month and half. He likes her. He probably likes his job too, is able to care for his kids, maybe they have a great set up like it is, we don't know any of the details about his situation with his kids. It could be perfect for them and everyone, himself, mom and kids love it.

    he's obviously taking his time in doing things. Some don't bring up kids the first date, because maybe some aren't even worth mentioning to that you have kids. and it's not a discussion that needs to be made from day one, and if it is for you, then ask. ( not you Dreez, just you in general)

    the girl he likes asks if he wants to move a few states away, his reaction was probably, I don't have immediate plans to do so, i do like my kids, but life can take all sorts of twists and turns before that is even an option, so what is least likely to turn this girl off that I like??? so he probably said what would make it seem like he had her in mind with any future decisions
     
  18. darkchild16

    darkchild16 We are Home.

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    So then he turns it around to say what she wants to hear instead of the truth? Im sorry but be straight up and tell the other person what you want and dont play games.

    Example: I knew my husband was not a fan of Pit Bulls and I want one and other dogs when we get a house. i told him that and in fact we got in a fight and broke up for about 24 hours he actually in that time researched some and came back to me and apologized and said he would not make any promises and we would talk about it. We have and he now ASKs for a APBT but if he hadnt I knew that was a possibility going into it.
     
  19. sillysally

    sillysally Obey the Toad.

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    This might be the first time I have ever agreed with you-lol.

    I will say that if you want nothing to do with children in general, break it off now. He will always be a parent no matter where he lives in the country, and yes, if something were to go sideways with the mother he may end up with full or partial custody all some or all of the kids at some point.
     
  20. release the hounds

    release the hounds Active Member

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    what if that was the TRUTH. Ideally, he'd probably would have liked his wife to not up an dleave to another state and take his kids. In an ideal world, he proably wishes he never marriead someone he was going to divorce, but **** happens.

    Ideally, he'd probably like to live right next door to his kids, but life isn't really allowing it. His ex took them across the country. he has a life as well, and a job and maybe their whole arrangement works pretty dang well for everyone involved?

    maybe someday if his job can transfer it might be an option, maybe that will be 10 years from now, maybe never. maybe they move backnear him, maybe all sorts of things happen between now and then, maybe he is able to realize that someday if that possibility should arrise, he'd be considerate enough to take into account the feelings of whomever he was involved with, if involved to a level that would require a joint decision. Adults can do those sorts of things
     

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