How often do you and your SO fight/argue/disagree?

Taqroy

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#41
That is why I don't want kids ... IMHO kids ruin everything. I have heard a lot of couples, some of them separated because of fights over raising the kids or frayed nerves because of the kids.
What? Who said kids ruin everything? If you're referring to my post, I said we fought more - as in once a month or so for MAYBE two months. We fought nearly every day when we first got married, once a month is nothing.
 

Oko

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#42
I read of a study somewhere that kids neither decreased or increased average marriage happiness... So if you want them have them, if not, don't. But they don't ruin everything.
 

AdrianneIsabel

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#43
Denis and I stressed more when we brought home an eight week old puppy and we were rusty about how to handle things. In the end I would say it made us stronger because we can endure a lack of sleep, food, and clean living yet still love and respect each other.
 

Dogdragoness

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#44
No, I was referencing what I have seen from people I know, not what anyone said here.

Perhaps "ruin everything" wasn't the right context, maybe "change everything" is more fitting ... & I don't want out relationship to change, I also am all about us & I don't want anything taking away from that.
 

Dizzy

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#45
God we are bad enough with the dogs, I can't imagine how we would be with an actual thing we made!!! Bad as in cuckoo about them!! Definitely enriches our relationship, not the other way round. I think kids would be really tough, but also add a really positive aspect.
 

milos_mommy

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#46
Ok, here's why I started this thread. BF and I have been arguing more lately. It's not that bad at all, but I don't know if it's a bad sign.

Back story: we dated casually on/off (always off for stuff like school, too busy, etc) when I got pregnant. We decided to stay friends and go that route. For 9 months we saw each other/talked once or twice a week...and didn't fight once.

A week before Lillian's birth we decided to try to be together. In three months with a newborn, we had one argument and one kinda misunderstanding. The argument was when I just sort of told him I was taking our 6 week to Florida and didn't give him a chance to say no...we talked about it and it was fine.

He also got mad very briefly when I kept telling him to be careful with her. I told him it wasn't anything to do with my confidence in him as a parent, I'm not ACTUALLY worried he won't be careful with her, etc, and it seemed fine.

A few days ago, he was touching her with an electric massage thing, so I said "just keep it on low, she's very delicate". He was like "you act like I don't know anything about babies". Then, he set her on the couch so I said "don't leave her on the couch".

I don't know why I said it, I KNOW he isn't going to leave her on the couch...but he got PISSED. He was like "fine, I'll just never touch her again so you don't have to worry". I should have apologized but I felt like he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly, though.

Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.

I just feel like I can't predict what he's going to get pissy about. He's also under more stress now, working like 60 hours a week, up for a promotion, but idk. Stress isn't an excuse to snap at me so much.

What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...
 

-bogart-

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#47
Ok, here's why I started this thread. BF and I have been arguing more lately. It's not that bad at all, but I don't know if it's a bad sign.

Back story: we dated casually on/off (always off for stuff like school, too busy, etc) when I got pregnant. We decided to stay friends and go that route. For 9 months we saw each other/talked once or twice a week...and didn't fight once.

A week before Lillian's birth we decided to try to be together. In three months with a newborn, we had one argument and one kinda misunderstanding. The argument was when I just sort of told him I was taking our 6 week to Florida and didn't give him a chance to say no...we talked about it and it was fine.

He also got mad very briefly when I kept telling him to be careful with her. I told him it wasn't anything to do with my confidence in him as a parent, I'm not ACTUALLY worried he won't be careful with her, etc, and it seemed fine.

A few days ago, he was touching her with an electric massage thing, so I said "just keep it on low, she's very delicate". He was like "you act like I don't know anything about babies". Then, he set her on the couch so I said "don't leave her on the couch".

I don't know why I said it, I KNOW he isn't going to leave her on the couch...but he got PISSED. He was like "fine, I'll just never touch her again so you don't have to worry". I should have apologized but I felt like he was being ridiculous. He got over it quickly, though.

Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.

I just feel like I can't predict what he's going to get pissy about. He's also under more stress now, working like 60 hours a week, up for a promotion, but idk. Stress isn't an excuse to snap at me so much.

What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...

If this was Chris and I , I would never tell him how to do anything with the kid. The kid is his as much as mine and I have the utmost faith in him as a parent.
If I ever told Chris anything like that He would be SUPER pissed. It would be a direct insult to him as a father and he lives for his kids.

Maybe the problem is you two really dont know know each other and dont really trust one another either.
 

Dizzy

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#48
If this was Chris and I , I would never tell him how to do anything with the kid. The kid is his as much as mine and I have the utmost faith in him as a parent.
If I ever told Chris anything like that He would be SUPER pissed. It would be a direct insult to him as a father and he lives for his kids.

Maybe the problem is you two really dont know know each other and dont really trust one another either.
Pretty much this.... As much as I like to think I know best, sometimes I have to bite my lip. I'm a back seat driver, full on. I know I would struggle not to make comments. But....

If you trust him, then let him get on with it. As long as her life isn't at risk, he's not going to screw her up ;) she's both yours, he has to feel like he can be daddy without getting a running commentary on how he should be doing it. I mean that in the nicest possible way, honestly. I know I'd struggle too.
 

Taqroy

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#49
Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.
This drives me INSANE. Matt has finally stopped doing it but we had a lot of little arguments over the difference between just holding the baby because she's crying and soothing the baby because she's crying. Because holding the baby while you watch tv isn't the same as actively soothing. I have seen a lot of similar complaints on the parenting forum I'm on. I think it's partially a biological reaction - I get super stressed when she cries for too long, partially new mom-ness, and partially just a difference in parenting.

It helped a lot for me to explain why I was reacting the way I was. 1) I have a genuine stress reaction, it's science and it may not be logical but it does happen. 2) If you do anything other than sit there (like walk, bounce, talk, move, make funny faces) she will stop crying. 3) She is a baby. It's not manipulation, it's not gaslighting, it's not nothing, if she is crying there is a reason.

I also looked up the literature on how synapses form differently when babies are left to cry for long periods of time (which I can find if your bf is science based).
 

milos_mommy

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#50
Ok, I'm really glad I posted this then. Taq, the issue isn't that he doesn't soothe her...he lets her cry more than I would but he'd NEVER just let her cry for 5+ minutes.

And I trust him with her 100%. I guess I didn't consider how obnoxious or insulting it is...I'm really easy going but also really bossy.
 

Taqroy

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#51
Ok, I'm really glad I posted this then. Taq, the issue isn't that he doesn't soothe her...he lets her cry more than I would but he'd NEVER just let her cry for 5+ minutes.

And I trust him with her 100%. I guess I didn't consider how obnoxious or insulting it is...I'm really easy going but also really bossy.
Sorry! I pulled that quote out and then left my comp, came back, read the quoted part, and went off a highly irrelevant tangent. :lol-sign:

On the plus side, you can kind of see my fighting style. Is there a problem? Yes. Is there a solution? Yes. Then beat it with a logic hammer until it breaks or it fits. :p

Honestly, I think being obnoxious or insulting depends on how you're going about it. If you say "Well don't just LET her cry!" *snatch baby away* that's different from saying "Hey, it really bothers me when she cries like that, do you want me to take her for a bit?" Maybe you can work on re-wording things and see if there's a difference in his responses?

I let Matt rock hop with Falon across a freezing cold creek a month or so ago. I actually had to turn around and bite my tongue to keep from saying anything but you know what? It was totally fine. Sometimes I think we voice our fears just because hearing them out loud makes it seem like they won't happen (this sentence is terribly worded but I have to go make dinner and don't want to fix it).
 

Dogdragoness

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#52
While I don't have experience with kids I do with men & dogs, there are times I had to bite my tongue & let him "be" how he is going to be with them & our relationship is better for it.
 

ihartgonzo

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#53
Me and Frank used to fight often, I would say once a week?... that was a period when we had HUGE trust issues, and differences, and stresses, and our relationship was much newer. At first living together was definitely uncomfortable. Then we both got used to each other's quirks and learned to compromise for each other.

I still get annoyed by some things, but I've learned how to approach him about it without starting a fight. We have literally been to hell and back in our relationship. We've been through it! So little things aren't a big deal at this point.

Having a newborn was soooo hard, when he was collicy and not set in a routine, we felt like we were losing it. Now that Malakai is older and on a schedule it's so much less stressful! We make sure to set aside time for just us every day :) where we're human beings, and sexy, and not just Mommy and Daddy.
 

ihartgonzo

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#54
Last night the same crap happened. The baby was crying, and he was holding her, but wasn't doing anything to make her stop. I was like "don't just let her cry". And went to take her. He got mad, and took her outside. I said I didn't mean to upset him and was sorry, and he was ok, but moody for the rest of the night.
I cannot imagine how many times this scenario has happened with us. Men, typically, just don't have the nurturing ability that we have. They're very awkward with little babies! I got so frustrated at first with him, then I learned it's better for us and for baby that I just took over and was positive about it when he was overwhelmed. Now that Mally is turning into a little boy, he LOVES his Dad, and he's the best at cheering him up. ;)
 

Shakou

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#55
Disagreements and arguments happen maybe a few times a month but they are always over frivolous things that we blow off after.

Real serious fights with us are rare. It's happened maybe once or twice through out our relationship.
 

Dogdragoness

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#56
Yes I think it's important not to "de-masculate" men about things like that. I have learned that being "bossy & controlling" can drive a wedge between two people in a relationship. I know as women it's easy to say "I have birth to it" (when referencing kids) & easy to forget that 50% of that kid is their doing too.
 
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#57
What do I do? I'm planning on just revisiting the "I have plenty of confidence in you" thing and telling him how much it bothers me when he gets like that...
I think this is a scenario that plays out in relationships over a LOT of stuff, not just babies. And as I've gotten older, I've gotten more sympathetic towards the "wounded" party. Because really, if you truly have confidence in him, there's no reason to tell him to be careful with a baby. It doesn't matter if you have a serious discussion where you tell him you have confidence in him if then later when he actually holds the baby you tell him to be careful. He's certainly not going to FEEL like you have confidence in him, then, and why would he? Who wants to feel criticized all the time?

I understand, because I do the same thing to my husband about a lot of things pertaining to the dogs because of my own paranoia - he's a grown man, he knows to make sure the gate is closed before he lets the dogs out, but I still get a twinge from time to time. I think a lot of people do it to their partners, when they aren't doing things quite exactly the way WE would do it.

Anyone, but it seems guys especially in situations like this, DO go to that "well fine if I'm doing everything wrong I'm just not doing anything, ever" place pretty quickly. And who can blame them?

What I've learned to do is either let go and not say anything, or preface with something acknowledging that I need to say stuff like that to satisfy MY OWN paranoid/control tendencies, not because I actually don't think he knows what he's doing. Because that's really what it's about. Like, "I know you know this, but I just have to say it or I'll go a little nuts inside: Please make sure you check the gate."
 

sparks19

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#58
Now that Malakai is older and on a schedule it's so much less stressful! We make sure to set aside time for just us every day :) where we're human beings, and sexy, and not just Mommy and Daddy.
Oh yeah...so much THIS.

There was a time around 2 years of age where we had to make a decision about napping vs bedtime. If Hannah napped, she would be awake until 10 pm or later. No nap and she would go to bed on time at 8. Part of me didn't want to give up that quiet time during the day but a BIGGER part of me wasn't willing to give up that time in the evening where Brian and I got to take off the Mom and Dad hats and just BE together, even if that meant just sitting on the couch watching TV or whatever. Time for us to be together with no interruptions.

As for the "be careful with the baby" confidence thing. It's definitely not fair to our partners to be so critical of there abilities to care for their children but it happens. My thing that I always cringe over is Hannah riding on Brians shoulders. At one point he was like WHY do you always cringe and put your hand up on her back when I am putting her up on my shoulders... do you think I'm going to drop her? I just told him honestly that it was not HIM or his abilities that made me cringe but that when I was a teen some friends were being stupid and buddy got up on someone's shoulders and ended up falling backward to the floor on cracked his head open on the cement floor. it's just an image I can't get out of my head and a reaction I can't control because of that. Hannah up on her dads shoulders is definitely NOT the same thing but I know how kids can just randomly THROW themselves backward lol. I just explained to him that it really was just a phobia I have because of that experience and it's MY problem, not a problem with him. he understands that now that I really just CAN'T help my reaction and now he teases me about it whenever Hannah is on his shoulders. "Here Hannah, ride on my shoulders while Mommy has a heart attack" LOL.

I think a lot of marital problems that come with kids are just previous issues exacerbated by the stress of a newborn and no sleep. BUT also I think couples need to be on the same page on major parenting issues like discipline and the like.
 
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#59
Its really hard when they are little because just biologically speaking, moms and dads are different. Moms are hormone driven to take care of the baby. To respond to every cry. So even if we "know" dad has her, her cries still affect us and make us driven to take care. Its a hard one to balance and can take a bit of time to figure out for sure.
 
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#60
Its really hard when they are little because just biologically speaking, moms and dads are different. Moms are hormone driven to take care of the baby. To respond to every cry. So even if we "know" dad has her, her cries still affect us and make us driven to take care. Its a hard one to balance and can take a bit of time to figure out for sure.
I'm not saying the feelings are wrong or not understandable. And honestly couples have this exact conflict every day across the world about everything from how to fold the towels to how to clean the bathroom or load the dishwasher, it's not just about babies.

Just... sometimes you have to SHOW people that you have confidence in them (by holding your tongue sometimes or acknowledging that your emotions/fears are overshadowing your logical brain when you say things in a moment or by accepting that it really doesn't matter if one more dish might have fit if only things had been arranged thusly) instead of TELLING them you have confidence in them during a conversation and then expecting them to really feel that way later when you do something that sends a message that you aren't. :)
 

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