Rico Dente couldn’t believe the goddamn kids these days. Not fifty years ago, it was a nickel under the pillow, a happy kid, and a hefty weight in his pockets. Yet just two months ago, he had given little Penny McPringle a quarter for each of her two front teeth. It hadn’t been one of his easier jobs either. The window to the little girl’s bedroom had been locked and so he had taken it upon himself to try the front door. The knob wouldn’t turn, and so Rico withdrew a thin wire from the pocket of his suit. He knew it wasn’t the easiest way – God knows Mr. Claus had confronted him about it time and time again. Rico could hear his scratchy voice echoing in his head. You know, the chimney’s the easiest route.
But Rico was a dignified man and did not intend to get soot on his suit. And so, as the cold breeze numbed his fingertips, he set to work on the lock. Practiced as he was, one click later the door creaked open. At that moment, a little white box on the wall started to beep and a brown blur shot around the corner.
“Ugh. Get off me.†Rico blocked the little dog’s attempts to dirty his suit with its paws, shoving a loaf of bread from his briefcase into its mouth. The dog snorted and trotted off to chew his prize. Rico turned to address the box which was still loudly objecting to his presence.
The first time Rico had seen one of these little boxes, he had nearly been exposed. The beeps had grown louder and more frantic until Rico heard footsteps and muffled voices above his head. He had fled and later returned to - with a disgruntled sigh - shove himself into the chimney like that old, fat man. Unfortunately, his lack of a rotund beer belly had not suited him well in this instance. With his wings unable to spread, he landed in a heap with a loud and ash filled thud.. Soot clouds surrounded him and left him sputtering. His suit needed three washes and he couldn’t sit down without cringing and cursing for a week.
Now he was prepared. Pulling out a small silver contraption from his briefcase, he waved it over the buttons on the box. Four of the buttons illuminated themselves, each in a different color. Rico punched each button and as soon as the machine was silenced, he strode past the contentedly munching puggle, up the stairs and into Penny’s bedroom. Setting each foot on the floor without so much as a creak in the floorboards, he slipped two quarters under the ruffled pink pillow and removed the two tiny incisors.
As the sun rose over the horizon and the birds began to sing their lullaby songs, Rico settled himself down on his cloud and shut his eyes to sleep. Before he could drift into dreamland, he heard her cries.
“But that’s only 50 cents,†Penny said with a muffled sob.
“Honey, that’s almost enough to go to the Dollar Store and buy a toy,†said Penny’s mother.
“But I want to go to the store now.†Her sobs got louder.
“Maybe if you look in your piggy bank you will be able to go now.â€
“But I don’t want to use my piggy b-b-b-aaank.†Her cries turned into frantic wails.
“Damnit.†Rico cursed himself from up in the cloud and put his fingers in his ears. Her shrieks were painful. His boss had implemented the sound system after Rico had ignored so many house calls that he had left one too many children beginning to question his existence. With the new system, whenever he displeased a child, he was forced to endure the earsplitting wrath of the tantrums. Even from up in his cloud, he may as well have been the teddy bear in Penny’s arms for as loud and clear as he could hear her. His ears were still ringing.
Now, as he was forced to accept that inflation had made its way down to the pull-up wearing, nose picking portion of the public, he groaned. He could already feel his pockets getting lighter for he knew that Mr. Claus wouldn’t give him a penny more than two dollars a tooth.
When Rico arrived on the Clauses’ front porch clutching his bag of teeth, he caught a glimpse through the window of the hairy old man sitting at his desk. His stomach bulged over the sides of his chair and Rico saw him motion to someone out of view. In a matter of seconds, an elf scurried up to the man and presented him with a Miller Light.
“Hey Claus, open up,†Rico shouted through the door.
“You get that,†Mr. Claus said to the elf. The door opened and Rico looked down to see the small man, clothed in green felt. Rico shot a glance over the little man’s pointed hat and saw Mr. Claus hastily sweeping the contents of his desktop into a drawer.
“This way please.†The elf extended his tiny hand, but Rico brushed him aside, instead stepping over the threshold past the elf and taking care not to step on the assortment of junk scattered about the floor.
“How many this time?†Mr. Claus said.
“Twelve hundred and three. But you know, the going rate these days, it’s not – â€
“It’s two dollars a tooth. Take it or leave it.â€
“But sir, you know, it costs more than it used to. Two fifty. I’ll take two-fifty.†Rico stretched his neck and lifted his chin. The effort did little to enhance his position.
“Two dollars. You know the deal. And I can’t be getting any more chipped teeth either. Last week’s batch was inexcusable,†Mr. Claus said. Rico Dente let his shoulders sag and lowered his jawbone to its normal position. He didn’t quite know what the man needed the teeth for. Once, when he had dared to ask, Claus had shrugged and pointedly stated that the elves needed tools. Rico didn’t question. Mr. Claus was his biggest buyer and he wasn’t about to screw with that. And so he settled for picturing mallets made of molars and knives made of incisors all being brandished by little men in green hats.
“Fine. Two dollars then,†Rico responded. He poured the teeth out on the table before Mr. Claus. Mr. Claus turned each tooth over, inspecting it for plaque and cracks.
“I can pay up next week,†The large bellied man said. The side of Rico’s lip twitched, but he forced his face into a smile. Claus hadn’t paid up for two weeks now.
“Okay, make it next week. My bills need paying too.â€
When Rico showed up on the Clauses’ doorstep again the next week, the blinds were drawn and the cottage was quiet. A large round bale of hay, barely dusted with snow, was the only sign of recent activity on the premises. A few reindeer absentmindedly munched on the scatterings of hay that had fallen from the bale. Rico seethed. He yelled his customary greeting through the shut door, but only gales of wind sounded in reply.
Rico tried the knob. When it didn’t resist, he gave the door a bump with his elbow and peeked inside. The desk chair was empty. Rico’s eyes darted around the room, finding no sign of life. He gave the door another bump and it swung open fully. Despite the desolate air, he tip toed toward the mahogany desk like a cat in mid hunt. This time, it had not been swept clean. I wonder… Rico thought to himself.
Rico carefully opened each desk drawer. The first was stuffed with envelopes, each addressed in a sloppy scribble, some decorated with stickers and sequins. The second drawer was much like the first. The third and bottom drawer was also filled with letters; however, atop the colorful, childlike envelopes was one that stood out to Rico. It was wrinkled – clearly well handled – and unlike the others, it was not written out to “Santa†in magic marker or crayon, but rather to “Nicholas Claus†in a neat, typewritten print. Rico opened the flap and pulled out the contents of the envelope.
His eyes widened.
“No ****?â€
The sun kissed face of a stark naked Cupid gazed up from the photograph with a sultry grin. Cupid’s messy auburn hair hung around his face and a quiver was slung over his shoulder. Rico eyes shifted downward and he quickly slapped his hand over the photograph, flipping it over in the process. A note was handwritten on the back.
“Nick, I received your extra payment of teeth and so I thought I would send you a little bonus of my own. You might be happy to know that my arrows are working better than ever – baby teeth seem to have an innocence to them that fortifies my arrows. I’ve re-tipped all my arrows. I was happy to see that there were no chips or cracks in this payment installation. Visit me again soon. ♥Cupidâ€
Rico threw up a little in the back of his mouth. The sleazebag was off sleeping with Cupid and he was still out six thousand bucks. Rico slipped the photo back into the envelope and placed it in his pocket. He contemplated the blackmail that he now had at his disposal. His fingers traced the edges of the evidence inside his pocket as he thought about the agony that he could inflict. With that, his mind jumped back to the countless hours that he had spent curled on his cloud with his fingers in his ears, trying to ward off the sounds of tantrums. He suddenly smiled to himself in consideration of an even better idea. He kept the photo tucked inside his pocket, just in case.