Headed out...

To collect some of Emiley's (my friend mentioned in my other threads) belongings from her place. She hasn't given any word or any rent money to her landlord since July 29th - he might be wanting to have her place cleared out if she is indeed not returning (for whatever reason, including the one I fear the most); I know it has to be a minimum of 60 days for belongings to be considered "abandoned" officially - and even up till then must be stored away safely - but I think Emi would be reeling at the thought of anyone other than me going through her personal/intimate effects, her landlord has agreed to let me in tonight - his schedule is on the hectic side and it's not all the time that he can get over to the complex that she resides in, so yeah, tonight's the night.

(Most) Of her clothes, knick-knacks, jewelry, things she valued sentimentally, and books will come home with me. I will leave toiletries, a good range of comfy garments, essentials, place some non-perishable snacks and food in the cupboards, and a new note to her should she (hopefully) choose to return anytime within the next month.

It'll be quite emotional and up&downy - wish me luck.

My friend's cousin is kind enough to help out my chauffeuring me there in his large capacity pick-up.

(((hugs))) I know how uneasy this must make you feel. It's so sad that she didn't contact you or let you in more, as you have been such a good friend. I hope the worst hasn't happened. You're very thoughtful to be going over there and taking care of her stuff. I hope you'll be okay. I'm glad someone is going with you.

Like Dober said, really glad someone's going with you. I hope that being able to do this for her brings you some comfort. Being unable to do anything to help makes a situation so much more painful and frustrating.

Thanks Dober and Renee

I've just got back home - well, my friend's cousin wasn't much moral support lol. Quiet on the ride there, quiet while helping me with the boxes in his truck, quiet on the ride back, and quiet while helping me load said boxes into the house.

It felt very numb - there were potatoes in the kitchen that had started sprouting - that struck menace and fear into me for some odd reason...I threw them away and replaced them with a scented candle from the adjacent counter.

The scent of the magnolia and lavender still filled the place - but
her scent was very resonant when I pulled open her dresser drawers; floraly, sweet, and...very her. Her passports, identification (Both Canadian and Hong Kong), birth certificate, and papers regarding her gender were all still there - that scared the bejesus out of me; where could she have gone or what could she have done without such basic necessities? No money anywhere though - not a cent.

A few books of poetry, school novels, garbage beach reads, manga novels, and magazines remained; nearly all of them with me now. I did abit of cleaning, organizing, shuffling and dusting - packed up, then left.

Katalin stuck her nose into a box of her clothes when I brought them into the house though and her tail started wagging like crazy - she paced around abit and gave a confused look on her face. The familiar scent was there but the familiar person wasn't...that made me bawl.

You know, it's entirely possible she's gone underground and is undergoing a complete change of identity. I know that sounds off-the-wall but it happens more often than you'd think.

She's already changed her first name and gender - she's a totally different person already. But I hope this is the case right now. Knowing her she wouldn't have left me behind though, and too many things are not adding up if that was indeed the scenario. I really do hope that she is reinventing herself/changing her identity rather than the alternative. I will be much less hurt by that.

I'm still hung in mid air about this though - there's no definitive answer - and it's killing me.

The whole trip over there sounds like it was down right surreal. I'm sorry that guy wasn't more supportive. He probably felt very uncomfortable, I guess.

It is just so unfair that you are left in this painful state of limbo. Not knowing one way or the other has to be the worst. I hope at some point you'll be able to close this chapter somehow and move ahead, free of this dangling weight all over you. (((hugs))) You will need a lot of strength.

Sometimes the only way for someone to complete a change is to make the change complete -- and that entails a clean break with your entire past.

Sometimes the only way to keep enough courage to make that leap is to do it without saying good-bye.

It is a suicide, of sorts, in a metaphorical sense. A death of the past.

Take time to mourn and grieve -- gone is gone. It's going to hurt deeply but you must grieve before you can start to heal, and from what you've said, I don't believe your friend would want you to bleed for the rest of your life.

I just genuinely hope it is indeed that and that she's still alive. Just knowing her and what this situation has come to it is hard to be optimistic...