"favorite child"....

This was mentioned in the other family thread (by Cali ) and it made me want more opinions on the subject. I was going to do a poll, but I think there are far too many variables. I'll just ask here and you can adjust as needed in your post

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?


For me, I wasn't the favorite and at the same time I was relied upon heavily since I was the oldest of 5. My brother (surprisingly not the youngest child, he is the oldest boy actually) was the favorite, or at least coddled the most. I was given more responsibilities and he was given ZERO responsibilities. He was never held accountable for anything.

Looking back, I am thankful. He turned out an irresponsible mess as you'd expect. Doesn't hold a job, doesn't take care of his bills, and most importantly, doesn't take care of his children/child support responsibilities Part of me blames him, he's an adult now, it's looong past time for him to grow up. Then there's the part of me that knows it's my parents fault as well.........they helped mold him into what he is

My husband has one sister, OLDER SISTER, she was/is the favorite. Even now the difference made is staggering. She is in her 40's and mom/dad still pay for her existence, seriously raised her 5 children, currently paying for one of them to be in college, you name it, they do it. It's sad how crippled she is by them. Some day when they die, I really don't know what will become of her.

But again, I look at that situation and am soooo thankful. My husband is the man he is because they doted on HER and not him. I couldn't have gone on a single date, never mind marry someone like that!

Further proof that spoiling your children is NOT doing them any favors!

My parents did their very best to treat us equally. Neither of us was spoiled, neither of us was coddled...I say my sister was the favorite child because she just seems to get along better with my dad. They have similar interests in biking/hiking/camping type things, enjoy the same movies, etc. My dad had no clue how to relate to a daughter who didn't want to get dirty.

Even now, when I go home for my 1 week per year I see my parents, he'll usually spend the mornings before work riding bikes with my sister, and spend the weekend in the yard doing things I have no interest in.

I don't think he likes me any less, I think he just truly has no clue how to relate to me. It's frustrating to have to beg him to do anything with me when I'm home (and oh boy, my sister resents it if I try to borrow a bike and encroach on "her" daddy time).

My sister and I are only 1 year apart though, and I really don't think that's healthy. I would have loved a sibling 4-5 years older or younger than me, but 1 year just created competition. She's doing fine though--full scholarship, college degree with a double major in 3 years, full time employment...she still lives at home because Santa Barbara rents start at $1800 for a 1 br apartment and none of them allow pets, but on a scale of 1-10, she's solidly an 8 or a 9

There were never favourites growing up. My mother protected us and fought for us very equally. Of course there were swings and round abouts but that's life.

Recent circumstances have unfortunately made it so that I am the only one in contact with my parents which is very sad as it hurts them deeply.

My mother and I have always been very close because I make an effort with her. She is a very, very close friend to me and I am so grateful for that closeness.

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

yes. lol being the youngest and being the only girl... it kind of put me in an automatic "favorite" position. Plus my parents thought they couldn't have any more children AND lost a baby girl before me..

BUT the favorite child crown bounced back and forth depending on who did something extraordinary.

It was a lot of pressure mostly.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

My brothers resented me when we were little..sibling rivalry and all. I got away with more, I was coddled, but that's mostly just being the youngest.
More then we hated/resented.. we fought for my parents attention/approval.

All of the favorites issues manifested into competing. We get along fine and are best friends.. BUT academically especially, we had to be better.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

We all turned out more competitive then most siblings I know. I think A LOT of that has to do with the "earn your affection"/"best grades/more accomplishments gets the attention" attitude my parents sometimes had.

We had to have the BEST grades...best GPAs.. most awards.. we competed with each other for our parents attention.

We all turned out pretty well. My brother is going to be a cardio-thor. surgeon, other is a lawyer at a great law-firm..I'm headed to law-school and my grades are good.

Employers and teachers especially have always loved us. I think the almost desperate aiming to please and competitive natures featured in us due to the whole favorite thing certainly has helped in that sense.

My parents adored us, spoiled us.. I don't want this to sound like they are these awful people, because they are AMAZING PARENTS. But, without trying to, they did put us on the impossible pursuit to perfection.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?


Umm.. I'm not sure how to answer this but here are just some personality traits DUE to the favorite thing.

ACADEMICS
- Good grades were often SHOWCASED.
- Parents would doddle over honor rolls, test scores
- Bs or lower were ignored. And the child who received the low grade was given the subtle "we know you can do better. just try harder" while the other kid was given a parade for getting an A. It wasn't BAD attention, it was just NO attention..and it worked.

PERSONALITY
-We are competitive.
- We aim to please..especially those in authority. We feel like we have to "earn" affection and praise..we have to be "worth" loving or worth the space we take up.
- We are tenacious. We will work ourselves to exhaustion to be the best.

PHYSICAL
- We all have body image issues. My brothers workout. I had an eating disorder. It is the constant pursuit of perfection that comes with always being one step behind the "favorite" child or trying to keep being the favorite.

RELATIONSHIPS
- Aiming to please come into play. There is a lot of "Am I doing this right? Why do you love me?" We feel like we have to EARN love and that we have to fight to keep the other person. We have to be the PERFECT boyfriend/girlfriend in order to deserve it.

It's funny because we just had a talk about this as a family with a therapist and a lot of these stuff came out.

Not being the favorite.. it made us work harder.
BUT the perks of there not really being ONE favorite is that we learned to be independent.. nobody is the little baby really. We are all spoiled evenly I suppose lol there is no resentment between us or about our parents.. we adore them and they adore us.

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

I wasn't my brother was. My dad worked a lot so that my mom could stay home and so we could all afford to live in our own home. My mother LOVED my brother... me not so much.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

When I was younger and I didn't understand it I did. I was not close with my brother or mom. I just avoided them as much as I could.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

He's actually turned out pretty well. He's only got a year left in college and he's studying environmental law. He's pretty responsible and we get along a lot better now.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

There were a LOT.

When we got in trouble we got grounded. For my brother it was usually a day or so until my mom was like 'ohh... ok you are done'. But for me my mom pulled everything out of my room. Pictures, books, dressers, desk. She'd leave a mattress and a pile of clothes. She'd even take away my clock because it had a radio and she didn't want me to listen to it and I was stuck there until her words exactly: 'I feel like seeing your face'. This was when I was in middle school so I was pretty young.

We'd go out on weekends where she would buy my brother hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and then scream at me when I asked to buy a book because I was wasting money. My brother got new clothes 2 times a year. I got them maybe every 3 years if I was lucky. One time my dad did see this happen though and the next day I came home to a giant stack of books I had been wanting. I still have every single one of those.

My brother's friends could do no wrong. My mom volunteered to work with band and football. A couple of his friends had been caught with drugs and one had been expelled for beating up a kid. But to my mom they were saints. My friends weren't. My mom hated my friends. I had a couple friends with learning disabilities I had met when I worked with special ed. One who was my best friend was alittle slow but you'd never know it unless you had known her for FOREVER and could see the small things. My mom labelled my friends as 'the retards'. She hated them and called them that in front of them. I was too ashamed to even bring most of my friends home. Another group of friends who was super nice to me my mom would constantly talk about how over weight the family was and that my friends needed to lose weight before I should hang out with them.

Really my list goes on and on. My mom favorited my brother so much that on my side it was probably considered border line abuse. I'm definitely glad I wasn't the favorite. I wouldn't want to be a person like that's favorite.

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

Not really. I mean I was the baby of the family when I was younger, till about six or so, then had a lot of chores put on me being one of only two girls with four brothers, who more or less didn't have to do any 'women's work'. Between the four of them they had to shovel the walks and mow lawns. My sister and I had the pleasure of cleaning the entire hours a few times a week etc. because it was a very sexist household that way. Once I hit grade school I was really on my own more or less, most attention was negative/abusive so I didn't mind so much. The positive attention was rare.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

For sure, when it came to a lot of things. My brothers and sister were all older and got to do skating etc. while I got told they were 'burnt out' when I showed interest in something. They did not approve of me having dogs but I was lucky enough to have a dog or two growing up. I did resent the faves at some times, but started to see how lopsided it was with the favoritism too. I guess the brainwashing didn't stick. They adopted a kid they had as a foster child when he was 7 and I was 12, and he became a favorite and picked on at the same time. Again I could see it pretty clearly that he totally figured out how to play one against the other and they never did catch on.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

The two favorites are 'barbies' in a way - look pretty, everything is nice, but it's all plastic and not really real. My older sister is a total barbie, loves to shop, everything has to be just so, but there has only been one or two times where I had a conversation with HER and not just a script. My oldest brother also has the 'ideal' life but then I hear stories about what it's like behind closed doors and kinda shudder. Not sure if they're any better off than the 'not so goods' in the family who have their issues more out in public.


4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

Some were quite slight, but many were really clear as far as favorites go. Now it's shifted as adults, they want their own kids to favor them over their spouses, and will play games to that effect. And now that there are grandkids the favorite game continues, some grandkids get an overnight sleepover/party with them, others get a 'we'll stop by to drop off something (and tell you how wonderful your cousin, the favorite grandchild, is doing)'.

In the end though it's a really unhealthy family, which is why I'm not involved. I don't have positive memories of holidays and struggle to make Christmas etc. fun and not get bummed out thinking about the past....

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up?

Depends on what you mean by the "favorite".

My cousin was the first born in our generation, the first girl. She was the favorite until I came along. I was the favorite until my uncle had HIS little girl. Same with the boys. To my extended family, everyone is replaceable. And once you were replaced, you were generally ignored. Playthings, nothing more.

In my immediate family, I was the only child until my brother was born. So I was the "favorite" until my mother left my dad when I was 8ish. Then I was the favorite scapegoat. I was ruined, everything was my fault, I was a bad kid, everyone blamed everything on me, etc, etc. I was the "favorite" of all her husbands, and therefore she blamed all her screwed up marriages on me.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

There was a lot of violence and resentment between my brother and I as we grew up. We were pretty screwed up children, didn't even know which way was up. As we grew, however, we sort of bonded over that resentment and turned on my mother...who had turned us against each other to begin with. I wasn't the reason our life sucked and Ethan wasn't the reason we all hated each other. It was just our mother being the narcissist she is and projecting all her faults onto us.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?


My little brother and I have our issues...mostly social/relationship issues as can be imagined. But the only real difference is that he is extrovert and I am introvert. He explodes onto everyone around him while I hold it in and implode on myself. It makes sense, I guess, when you consider the next bit on information as well as how we were raised.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

I was the scapegoat, the reason everything was wrong, the ruined kid, and everything was my fault and I brought it upon myself. My little brother was "screwed up" and "wrong", but it was everyone else's fault and he always got the attention/excuse. For example, if either of us was sick/hurt...Little Brother got sent to the ER, not me. If either of us were having mental issues...Little Brother got sent to the therapist, not me.

And above all, my mother put herself before either of her children. But she definitely separated us into what she could fix(Little Brother) and everything that was ruined(me). She wants cosmetic surgery on her teeth to fix her gap, Little Brother has a cavity, and I'm slowly dying of a kidney infection. And that's exactly the order of how those things were dealt with.

Thus why I'm the introvert and rely on myself, why Little Brother is the extrovert and blames everyone else for his problems, and why my mother has lost both of us.

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

Yes.

My twin sister is moderately Autistic, and although she (by necessity) got more attention than I did, she is difficult for my parents to get along with. My mother (who is herself afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD) mostly saw her as a chore, and took refuge in her relationship with me as I was growing up. My father tries harder with my sister, but her disability sometimes makes it difficult to have a fulfilling relationship. Regardless, he and I are extremely close.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

To be honest, I think I resented my sister for a long time, although I was the "favorite." Being my mother's favorite meant that from a very early age I was privy to her periodic breakdowns and never had the security that my sister did. I was the one she brought home to the trailer park and the one she confessed her plans of suicide to, even when I was quite young. It also hurt to see my sister treated badly when she had done nothing wrong.

I never resented my father's "favoritism" because it didn't come at the expense of either of us. He continues to work extremely hard to have good relationships with both my sister and me.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

We are both right where we need to be. I do still have a very difficult relationship with my mother (partly as the result of her favoritism, I would imagine, and partly because of my own natural tendencies). My sister doesn't miss the relationship she never had and is starting to feel less cut down by my mother's occasional aggression towards her. Regardless, my sister will be moving in with me as soon as I finish college. I think the environment is unhealthy for a normal person, much less a disabled one.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

I was expected to be as low-maintenance as possible (I had to work to maintain my "favorite" status). That meant a 4.0 (non-negotiable), no emotional issues (breakdowns, etc), no financial needs. It worked out okay: I was a pretty minimalist kid and now that I need more I am supplying my own income.

My sister on the other hand was over-protected (even more than her disability warranted) and largely expected to sit at home and be happy. She was often the target of my mother's outbursts (as was I, of course, but I felt it unfair for my sister to be targeted).

I don't know. I think it's hard on all kids when favoritism comes into play. Growing up sucks. I feel lucky that my dad and I have maintained an extremely healthy relationship and that even now I call him every day just to say hello.

My parents treated us equally, according to our personal capabilities. Older kids had more/harder chores, but that's because we were capable of doing them.

If either of them felt like one of us was a favorite, we'll never know because they never let on, for which I am very grateful.

Personally I try hard to make sure both of my children feel lots and equal amounts of love, and make sure they both know how loved they are.

Well, I don't know. It's kind of different in my family because I WAS an only child until I was 10 years old. At that time, my mother got pregnant (not with my dads baby) and I had my first baby brother. I was extremely close to him, and by 10 years old, there was no REAL competition between us. I was old enough to know that he was a baby and was obviously going to need more attention and I never felt that I didn't get enough or anything.

I also split my time between my dads house and my moms house, and over at my dads, his new girlfriend had her daughter (who was almost 2yrs younger than me). I was always the favorite between the two of us, and I DO think she resented me for it a little bit. I was just always naturally well behaved and more mature and she was always getting into trouble (and still is, at 19).

Then, my dad and his now-wife had a baby, so another little brother for me. This time we were 13 years apart. And when I was 18, my mom had my little sister. So, yeah, really, I think it's a bit different of a dynamic when your siblings are all 10-18 years younger than you, LOL...

Never ever felt like I got the short end of the stick. I love helping out and I still love spending time with my siblings.

I never got the sense that any one of us three was a favorite. And when I'd ask, as a little kid, (I wonder how many kids ask) my Mom always told me adamantly, that they had no favorites...that they loved us all the same, but in different ways since we're different people.

I was the youngest and was probably a little more spoiled (in some ways) than my older siblings...was babied a bit, but did turn out to be responsible and be able to take care of myself, and then a family. I was still given chores and responsibilities as a kid. I had a lot of animals and it was my job to care for them, which I did gladly because I was really into them.

I think my sister is and was a little resentful and jealous. But that's a whole other story...maybe it would belong in the other thread about blood not being thicker than beet juice. lol. (if I ever get around to it)

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)

No, My brother was preferred - he's a boy and Chinese families favor those with penises to "spread" their family legacies.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?

I did not really give much of a sh!t. Sure it got annoying and irritating at times but I just sort of got on with things... Parents/family...yes, but resentment on alot of different levels. See my other family thread for details. But they went with MY choice when it came to get the family dog when we were kids...a Shiba Inu over my brother's choice of a Norwich Terrier. Funny, to this day I still don't have much affection for Norwiches...

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?

Arrogant, smirky yet infuriatingly dumb and bland a$shole. We live under the same roof but don't have much to do with each other. I asked to borrow $200 the other month and he told me to go f@ck off. He asked to borrow $80 a few days ago - I told him to shove a pipe up his a$$. Ya, precious sibling moments...

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?

The boy was supposed to be the more dynamic, responsible, and virtuous one - instead he ended up a lazy, self serving, porno addict of a bum that whines about being asked to pick up after himself in the kitchen and "public" portions of the house.

I was supposed to be dredged in humility, have an inferior sort of attitude, be dumb and quiet, and subservient. WRONGGGGGG....

I got abit too wild, opinionated, offbeat, and well, modern for their liking (as well as the whole families..) and here I am today...a rare dog fancying girl that enjoys K-Pop, studies of the mind, and yoga. When they were expecting a closeted waifish sort of figure that just shadowed her mom or dad around. Huh.

My brother and I are 14 years apart, so I think we both had our periods of being "the favorite." He was/is also pretty much my grandmas favorite grand child.
Now...I don't know, I really do think that my mom favors both of us equally, but in certain instances she favors him and vice versa. I think me being sick also led to being crazy spoiled. I wouldn't say that he was put on the back burner because of my sickness, but I'd say he grew up a lot and basically turned into my dad. I know it's not my fault, but I think it really sucks for him and I feel bad with how fast he quickly had to become a responsible adult, sometimes I feel like he didn't enjoy this youth enough because of me.
I would never resent him if I realized that my mom favors him because well, i favor him too, lol, he is literally my favorite person in the family. He's very successful and I'm really proud of him.
The only thing I resent is when people compare me to him, but I've learned to just not listen.

People who have adult children understand when I say I tried hard not to play favorites, I really did. But some of your kids you just "get" better than others. You understand them better. My oldest was intellectual from an early age and he got my hair besides. We've always been close. The youngest I understand because I too was learning disabled as a kid. The ones inbetween...somebody must have switched kids in the nursery cause I never quite figured out where they came from...crap happens

As adults, my sister and I once debated who was the favorite child while growing up. We finally asked my mom flat-out. Without even hesitating, Mom said, "Tigger." Tigger was our dearly departed childhood golden retriever. My sister and I exchanged glances, and had to agree. Mom always did like Tigger best, LOL.

My parents don't really have favorites. There are 6 of us, and I can't think of any instances of someone getting treated unfairly. Unless you count us younger kids getting off easier because they've gotten more lax over the years.

1. Are you/were you the favorite child growing up? (only children don't count, you lucky ducks! LOL)
I am my mums favourite child and my sister is my dads. It sounds fair but it isn't. My mum tries not to favour me but my dad openly favours my sister.

2. If you weren't the favorite, did you resent the favorite and/or resent the parent/s who made a difference?
Yes and sort of. My sister and I hate each other. We are constantly competing with each other for attention and approval. It wouldn't be so bad but a few months back my sister started spreading pretty vicious lies about me to my parents and some of the things she said were unforgivable. I resent my dad and I understand why he favours her as well. He's not my biological father (although he married my mum when I was 2 so he's always just been "Dad" to me) and she's his biological daughter. Plus we're not interested in any of the same things whereas my sister and him have a lot in common. It doesn't make it any easier but at least I understand it. Another thing is that my mum always used him as a threat to me when I was younger ( "You're lucky your dad isn't here" "wait until your father gets home" etc) and that really put me off him.

3. If you weren't the favorite, how has the favorite turned out as an adult?
N/A since we're both still teenagers and by default we're self obsessed, whiny brats lol.

4. What are some difference made between the favorite and non favorite in the household?
The one that annoys me the most is that she ALWAYS gets the most money spent on her/ whatever she wants. Part of it is that I work now so I usually have money anyway but it started long before that. For example when I was 11 and taking my exams to see what school I could go to I was promised a laptop if I got an A. I did and got a laptop and a mini moto. My sister was jealous and wanted the same. She got hers before she even took the exam (which she barely passed). Clothes is another example, I rarely get new clothes and I have barely anything that fits properly. My sister gets new clothes all the time. I also have to pay for all my own hair cuts and such. My sister just got her hair dyed after my dad told me he had no money to buy me the book I wanted

My pet hate is report cards. I am expected to get a perfect report card. I usually get very good report cards but my parents will always focus on the part(s) I did badly on. My sisters report cards are never as good as mine and yet she's always praised and the bad parts glossed over. In fact when I was her age I brought back a report card very similar to hers this year. I had to leave the house in tears to get away from my parents because they kept yelling at me about it. When she brought her report card home they were delighted with her.

And then there's responsibilities. I've always had the most responsibilities of us both. When I was 11 I had to care for 3 ponies and 2 horses by myself as well as any extra chores given to me. Now that my sister is 13 all she has to do is feed the cats and straighten up the sofa on occasion. Every single night she forgets to feed the cats until she's reminded and then whines about it. Meanwhile as well as my 2 jobs, I have to sort out the dogs and goats, vacuum the living room, do laundry and make sure the rest of the house is fairly tidy. And make sure my sister feeds the cats.

My younger sister is an only child.

She's a self absorbed bitch who gets what she wants by throwing tantrums, and not only does it not matter who she has to run over to get it, if there is someone to screw over it's a bonus. She has a lot of uncontrolled anger issues. I've been on the receiving end of physical attacks, one involving having her boyfriend pin my arms behind my back while she went to town on me.

She learned at an early age that she could make up anything, no matter how absurd it was, and mom would beat the hell out of me for it, even if it was patently and obviously untrue.

She was screwing her boss and managed to marry him after his very ugly divorce. My mother still believes there was nothing going on on all those weekend trips they took for "skating races."

If she wanted something when we were kids, she got it, no matter what and no matter who had to go without for her to have it. I learned not to even ask, just do whatever I needed to do to get it for myself or, mostly, realize I could live without it. I learned to make my own clothes before I was in high school.

I used to tell her I was adopted and wasn't related to any of them, lol.

That pretty much tells the story.

I was an only child, so yes, I was the favorite. I don't think I was all that spoiled and I learned early tantrums were a surefire way to guarantee that I DIDN'T get what I wanted. Actually, I have several cousins who have siblings that I think have been much more spoiled.

I was the favorite grandchild though--grandpa called me his "5th child" and was the only person in the world allowed to call me "Chrissy" as opposed to "Christina." I was the first one born and my cousin born after me didn't come along for 6 more years. I had many wonderful experiences with my grandparents and they were a huge part of my life as a kid.

By the time the other grandkids came along my grandparents were getting older, then my grandpa got sick. It does make me sad that my cousins never got to have the relationship that I did with my grandparents. They were such a wonderful influence and I miss them terribly though they've been gone for years now.