I've been sitting here typing what I want to say, only to find myself deleting it. I don't even know how to express what emotions are rolling through my body right now.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of a certain night in my life from back in 1999. That night, I was raped. What made it worse, if you could say such a thing, was that this was a guy I knew. He was a guy we all knew. When I say "we", I mean all the athletes at my university. I was a soccer player. He was a baseball player.
In a single night, my virginity was stolen from me, and from then on, not a day goes by that the effects of that incident don't shine through in some form. I've tried to bury it. I've tried to move on. But it shaped me to be the person I am today, and not in a good way (let's just say that it's surprising I even have 3 children since I hate sex).
The following days, weeks, months, and years of my life have been, and are, forever tainted. There's no such thing as "taking yourself back" or "reclaiming yourself". Not for me anyway.
Anyway, I heard "his" name mentioned for the first time in many, many years. And it is what I heard that has me so confused and angry and frustrated and hurt.........
This a-hole is a Sheriff's Deputy in his hometown. He's a hero. He's the intelligent man that was academically successful in highschool and college. He's the former athlete that excelled in highschool and college. He's the man applauded for major drug raids and protecting the people. And yet.....and yet he's the man that makes me want to go curl up in a ball in the dark corner of a closet and wish the world would go away. He's the man that robbed me of a normal life of intimacy. He's the man that killed a part of my heart and soul, and did nothing but smile at me in passing in the unfortuante times we had to cross paths. He's the man that parents want their daughters protected from. And he's wearing a f*cking badge.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of a certain night in my life from back in 1999. That night, I was raped. What made it worse, if you could say such a thing, was that this was a guy I knew. He was a guy we all knew. When I say "we", I mean all the athletes at my university. I was a soccer player. He was a baseball player.
In a single night, my virginity was stolen from me, and from then on, not a day goes by that the effects of that incident don't shine through in some form. I've tried to bury it. I've tried to move on. But it shaped me to be the person I am today, and not in a good way (let's just say that it's surprising I even have 3 children since I hate sex).
The following days, weeks, months, and years of my life have been, and are, forever tainted. There's no such thing as "taking yourself back" or "reclaiming yourself". Not for me anyway.
Anyway, I heard "his" name mentioned for the first time in many, many years. And it is what I heard that has me so confused and angry and frustrated and hurt.........
This a-hole is a Sheriff's Deputy in his hometown. He's a hero. He's the intelligent man that was academically successful in highschool and college. He's the former athlete that excelled in highschool and college. He's the man applauded for major drug raids and protecting the people. And yet.....and yet he's the man that makes me want to go curl up in a ball in the dark corner of a closet and wish the world would go away. He's the man that robbed me of a normal life of intimacy. He's the man that killed a part of my heart and soul, and did nothing but smile at me in passing in the unfortuante times we had to cross paths. He's the man that parents want their daughters protected from. And he's wearing a f*cking badge.
I wish there was something I could say. I am so, so sorry. That is just awful. (((hugs)))
