Need Advice

Sweet72947

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#1
So there's a guy at work. We're pretty good friends now. I've been there for him through some bad times. Over a year ago, I left him a note in his backpack asking him out, and he didn't say anything about it for several days, but ended up telling me that he was "done with relationships" (he had a girlfriend for two years who left the country and dumped him fairly soon after I started this job, and he took it pretty hard) and our friendship was really important to him and he didn't want it to change. He has also mentioned before that he doesn't want to date anyone he works with. I told him I understood and that was that.

We blab at at each other nonstop at work, or mostly, he blabs at me. About his video games, his friends, his weird roommates, etc. We have quite a lot in common, we are like two sides of the same coin, he and I. He's really the sweetest, kindest, most good-hearted person I've ever met. I don't think I'm crazy in saying he probably has some feelings for me that aren't just friends. We play and tease each other all the time, and at night when everyone's gone we leave together and he locks the building and we stand and talk for a few minutes outside the building (he's been known to stand there talking at me for a good 35 to 45 minutes, lol :)). We never hang outside of work though, not sure why that is, although I have invited him to hang out with my group of friends before. Once he mentioned a possible snowboarding trip and wondered if I'd like to go and I said yes but nothing else has been said about it.

I'm just, not sure what I should do with these feelings that I have. I have been trying to find another job (for several reasons) but I haven't been successful. I mean, should I somehow convey that "I understand that you don't want to date anyone you work with but should I leave this job anytime soon I am interested in you." Or should I not? I can't just make these feelings stop, they just are.

I'd really like to experience a relationship someday. I'm 32 years old (but am routinely mistaken for being 20-25) and I don't even know what it's like to kiss somebody because I've always just had bad luck in this department, I guess. My friends are all pairing off and getting married and sometimes I just feel profoundly lonely.
 

Stingr69

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#2
Maybe you already know the answer and are asking for confirmation - generally, you should not date people from work, and especially not that person. You are in the "friend zone". He knows where to find you and yet he does not make any moves at all. Emotionally unavailable people have needs, and they find a way to get them met outside of a relationship. Not a real bad guy but not YOUR guy either. Nicest way to say it.

Find someone outside of work and keep your emotional distance from this man. Just my advice. :)
 

joce

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#3
Nothing's going to happen with this guy. A guys not gonna worry about work or anything else in their way if they really want to be with someone. Be friends with him but don't expect a thing more.

Get yourself a membership to a dating site. I know people are hesitant to do it but my friend who is basically 35 year old virgin finally did and found a great guy!! Or join volunteer groups or singles groups. It's hard.
 

milos_mommy

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#5
Maybe you already know the answer and are asking for confirmation - generally, you should not date people from work, and especially not that person. You are in the "friend zone". He knows where to find you and yet he does not make any moves at all. Emotionally unavailable people have needs, and they find a way to get them met outside of a relationship. Not a real bad guy but not YOUR guy either. Nicest way to say it.

Find someone outside of work and keep your emotional distance from this man. Just my advice. :)
Basically this. I think if you DO leave the job, invite him to hang out sometime, sure, but don't be shocked if he's not interested. Either he'll miss you enough to start hanging out with you in a more laid back setting (which either may go somewhere or may not), or...he's just someone you get along with really well at THIS job and who you have a crush on, who isn't interested.

I agree with everyone else. Look elsewhere for romance...maybe eventually this guy will change his mind but don't hold your breath. It doesn't sound like you're in the same place in your romantic lives.
 

Sweet72947

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#6
Just to clarify something, he's not just "some work friend". I saved him from, shall we say, making a final decision two years ago. So we do have a real friendship. It's just, centered around work it seems.

Also, one other question. In case I decide to try online dating. Because I really don't know how dating works, and I also have issues understanding social cues (I am awesome at reading human behavior, suck at social cues. Go figure). When you date in person, on the first, second or so dates, don't they want to kiss you or put their arm around you or something? Because I have this personal space bubble, and I am very much a "unless I invite you in, stay OUT" kind of person. I don't like to be touched by many people unless I know them well. Even friends still ask permission to hug me because they know how I am. I'm afraid I wouldn't be accepted, that my social problems would be misinterpreted as rejection or disinterest (because they have in the past :(). I also have difficulty expressing my emotions. I'm so practiced in keeping them inside, keeping that poker face (because the way I grew up you had to), that I have a lot of difficulty doing anything else. On the outside I might appear to be unexcited or even bored, when on the inside I'm feeling the complete opposite.

I guess my question is, how do you really get to know other people, when you have trouble being a person? I don't have difficulty making friends, but friends are different.
 
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#7
I would agree and keep an emotional distance from the friend at work.

As far as online dating I think it is a great idea and that I know several people who have had lasting relationships from online dating.

I would say you get to know a significant other/or date just the way you would friends. Everyone has different styles of doing this. But I think it is essentially like you would with friends just more physical contact later.

If you are really worried about the guy thinking you are rejecting him I think you should maybe warn him in advance and then you make the first move to hug. Or share with him what you do so he knows it is acceptable to move closer.
 

krissy

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#8
Because I have this personal space bubble, and I am very much a "unless I invite you in, stay OUT" kind of person. I don't like to be touched by many people unless I know them well.

I also have difficulty expressing my emotions. I'm so practiced in keeping them inside, keeping that poker face (because the way I grew up you had to), that I have a lot of difficulty doing anything else. On the outside I might appear to be unexcited or even bored, when on the inside I'm feeling the complete opposite.

I guess my question is, how do you really get to know other people, when you have trouble being a person? I don't have difficulty making friends, but friends are different.
I think it is perfectly possible to have a personal bubble and still date. I do not appreciate people I don't know getting into my personal space. And I absolutely would not ever have major physical contact on a first or second date. No kissing. I'd probably be very weirded out if someone tried to put their arm around me. A hug at the end of the night would be okay with me. Basically, nothing beyond friendly. And quite frankly, if a guy can't understand that he can see himself out.

I always make fun of my boyfriend because I asked him out initially, and he didn't kiss me the first time so much as asking me if I would give him a kiss. And I like to make fun of him over it, but ultimately it was probably a smart move on his part.

If a date was going really well and a guy tried to kiss you at the end of the night and you felt that was too much too soon... I don't think there would be anything wrong with saying "I really like you and I had a great night. I really hope I can see you again soon so we can get to know each other a little better. I'd like to take things slow for now." And if he's not okay with that, kick him to the curb. If he really likes you as a person he'll be happy to wait until you're comfortable.
 
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#9
Firstly - I agree with the others. This guy, isn't "the" guy ~ he might be one day, things could always change, but today isn't that day and it's better to be a river than a rock.

Secondly - The right guy, isn't going to push you to do ANYTHING you aren't comfortable with. They will ask your permission to kiss you, in a not-so-subtle way.. maybe by saying "I really want to kiss you right now" - that's a question AND a statement ;) If you say you're not ready, and they don't respect that - that's their loss, not yours.

I made my soon-to-be-husband wait a year before he kissed me - the right guy will respect your comfort levels.
 

yv0nne

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#10
In all fairness, guys can respect something and still decide it's not acceptable for them.

My boyfriend would respect my decision to not kiss and still be like 'nope can't do it. I'm out. Sorry.' So it's more like finding someone who is at your level of comfort with things along with the respect part.
 
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#11
In all fairness, guys can respect something and still decide it's not acceptable for them.

My boyfriend would respect my decision to not kiss and still be like 'nope can't do it. I'm out. Sorry.' So it's more like finding someone who is at your level of comfort with things along with the respect part.
Well said.
 

JacksonsMom

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#12
I agree with everyone else. And I understand your frustrations and problems. I am 24 and often feel like I'm missing out on stuff and sometimes get lonely. It's not that I'm not good with social cues or reading people -- I am, but I guess I'm just not good at the dating thing and knowing what is socially acceptable and I guess I put too much thought into it. I'm not a very touchy feely kind of girl either.

My friend told me to join tinder on a whim. So awkward yet it's free, local and just so non-chalant. I honestly had only ever been on one real date before so I figured what the hell. You get some weirdos who will just message you something totally inappropriate and then you get others who seem like genuine guys. I met up with one person and it was so out of character for me, I just did it and didn't put too much thought into it. It wasn't too awkward at all and we had good conversation. He asked if the night was good enough to have a kiss and I said yes so we had a brief make out session in the parking lot of the mall, and I felt like a foolish teenager :p Anyway, it ended up not going anywhere, our relationship had been purely texting besides the 1 night, and he got too controlling (if I didn't text him back within like an hour, he would be like "where are you?!?!" -- I can't stand that lol) so I kind of just blew him off.

Anywho, online dating isn't that bad. I know some people make fun of it, but for someone like me, who is... well, kind of particular. I already know I'm not going to be with a controlling-type guy, someone who hates animals, someone who hates TV (lol), etc etc, plus I don't ever really go out to bars and stuff, so I think my options are limited to meet new people. I kind of like being able to get some initial stuff out of the way via text and deciding whether or not you would even be interested or if it's a waste of your time. I think with me I am starting to just realize it's NOT that big a deal, you're supposed to or can date and... "shop around" if you will until/if you find the right one.

Basically I just wanted to say that I can relate to you and understand but I agree with everyone else that it seems like the guy wants to stay in the friend zone. But go with your gut.
 

amberdyan

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#13
Anywho, online dating isn't that bad. I know some people make fun of it, but for someone like me, who is... well, kind of particular. I already know I'm not going to be with a controlling-type guy, someone who hates animals, someone who hates TV (lol), etc etc, plus I don't ever really go out to bars and stuff, so I think my options are limited to meet new people. I kind of like being able to get some initial stuff out of the way via text and deciding whether or not you would even be interested or if it's a waste of your time. I think with me I am starting to just realize it's NOT that big a deal, you're supposed to or can date and... "shop around" if you will until/if you find the right one.

Basically I just wanted to say that I can relate to you and understand but I agree with everyone else that it seems like the guy wants to stay in the friend zone. But go with your gut.
I agree- I feel like online dating is a great option if you struggle with social cues and want to get comfortable with someone before engaging in physical affection. I tried it once, but with my orientation you get a LOT of creeps so it didn't work out, but my SO's sister is married to someone she dated online for a year and a half before they ever met. I think it's worth a shot!
 

AllieMackie

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#14
In regards to online dating, you often chat online awhile before arranging your first date - perhaps during those chats, be honest about your concerns? You can explain politely and directly about it before worrying about the first date. If a guy bolts, he's not worth the time. :)

I've used OKCupid successfully, and it's free. I had two dates before I met my current SO and even though the third one obviously was the keeper, all three experiences were pleasant enough, definitely none of them negative. They have good matching algorithms and an approachable interface, and IME attract a better variety of people in comparison to a lot of other online dating sites.
 
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#15
Whatever you do - do not use plenty of fish :p Haha!

My Mom met her now-husband of 7 years on a game called 'SecondLife'.
Her marriage had been failing for a while and she finally through in the towel and said she'd had enough. Her and my Dad started the divorce process and by February the following year (she started seeing V in June-ish) she shipped herself all the way to Alaska to meet her match.

I have never seen my Mother more happy with her life and her marriage. Maybe it didn't happen the way most people would consider "acceptable" and yea - it was through online dating - unintentional, she used SL as an escape from her "prison" - but still online dating. I do believe strongly that this is an avenue that truly works for many people.

Just don't use plenty of fish. LOL - there are more creeps than genuine men on that site. I've used it and was sorely disappointed with every message received.
 

Dizzy

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#16
Completely agree with what everyone has said about this guy and the potential (or lack of) for a relationship.

As for dating set your own rules. There's no reason you have to abide by some hidden code. When you meet the right person they're the right person because they click and you understand one another. If a guy doesn't understand or won't agree or is put off by your personality and needs then they're not the right guy.

And yes, you can always discuss it before hand but I would be a little wary of going too deep before you've even met someone. If you have a first date, just make sure you've planned ahead - for example think about where you go and what time you want to leave. So you can be in the driving seat and comfortable in the environment. Generally if you've clicked with someone enough to go on a date you'll probably both be just as nervous and unsure anyway, and men aren't going to make a move automatically!! You may find you have to do it in the end ;)
 

AllieMackie

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#17
Completely agree with what everyone has said about this guy and the potential (or lack of) for a relationship.

As for dating set your own rules. There's no reason you have to abide by some hidden code. When you meet the right person they're the right person because they click and you understand one another. If a guy doesn't understand or won't agree or is put off by your personality and needs then they're not the right guy.

And yes, you can always discuss it before hand but I would be a little wary of going too deep before you've even met someone. If you have a first date, just make sure you've planned ahead - for example think about where you go and what time you want to leave. So you can be in the driving seat and comfortable in the environment. Generally if you've clicked with someone enough to go on a date you'll probably both be just as nervous and unsure anyway, and men aren't going to make a move automatically!! You may find you have to do it in the end ;)
^ Great advice!
 

Stingr69

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#18
One more thing - SOCIALIZE!!!! Find things to do with groups of people. Meet people and be around them for a while first. Find out what they are like BEFORE you date them. I showed up at a big church that had an adult singles Sunday school class years ago. They did things together as a group and we all got to know each other pretty well. Keeps you busy and socially active. People come and go in these groups. One day a sweet girl showed up at a class event and we hit it off. Now I have friends and a person to date. We have been married now for 16 years.

You might want to try a Meetup group. Surf up www.meetup.com and see if there are any groups that might interest you. Free, easy and worth a shot.

-Mark.
 

DJEtzel

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#19
In all fairness, guys can respect something and still decide it's not acceptable for them.

My boyfriend would respect my decision to not kiss and still be like 'nope can't do it. I'm out. Sorry.' So it's more like finding someone who is at your level of comfort with things along with the respect part.
Definitely well said!


I've done online dating, personally stay away from tinder- my roommate has used it and it's used more as a hookup site than dating site... she receives a lot of inappropriate pictures and all guys appear to be looking for there is sex, in our area anyway. We do live in a college town.. :rolleyes:

I went on dates with a few people I met on Plenty of Fish or OKCupid. I dated one guy for a few months, decided we were better off as friends instead, so we are good friends now and get together platonically often. A few didn't work out, I found that my biggest annoyance with online dating was that you didn't know if you actually had chemistry with anyone until you met them. It's a physical and hormonal thing, I think. I could be chatting all day via text for a few weeks with a guy and then decide to go on a date, and it was just boring and awful because we didn't have that chemistry.

Bars are easier for me, apparently. :rofl1:
 

noludoru

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#20
Step one: don't call the cops on him.

This is the most helpful relationship advice I can offer you as someone who has seen more than just your posts on a forum.
 

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