Living with someone advice/If your SO wanted to live with someone of opposite sex..
- Thread starter Fran101
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I have to go situation by situation but I would not be comfortable having Denis live with any of his exes for an extended period of time, I trust him with all of my heart but I value our relationship too much to put its strength to any unneeded test. If it can be avoided it will be, living apart for four months was stressful enough, let alone with him living with a gal he'd previously not only had an emotional connection and companionship with but also had sex with.
Old habits are easy to slip back into, I'd just rather not stress my relationship.
I apologize if it seems like I've attacked this guy, Fran. Every relationship is different and I am sure any close friend of yours is fantastic.
In the 10 years I bounced around with roommates I have seen plenty of *good* guys (and girls) do shitty things and treat people like crap (I have done my share as well), it doesn't mean any of them(or us) are bad guys but the actions did reflect outside of the immediate relationships and the choices did weigh heavy on the roommates at times. It's just something to be aware of, I've yet to meet someone who treats their SO without respect and not seen it bubble over into other aspects of their life whether indirectly or not.
Old habits are easy to slip back into, I'd just rather not stress my relationship.
I apologize if it seems like I've attacked this guy, Fran. Every relationship is different and I am sure any close friend of yours is fantastic.
In the 10 years I bounced around with roommates I have seen plenty of *good* guys (and girls) do shitty things and treat people like crap (I have done my share as well), it doesn't mean any of them(or us) are bad guys but the actions did reflect outside of the immediate relationships and the choices did weigh heavy on the roommates at times. It's just something to be aware of, I've yet to meet someone who treats their SO without respect and not seen it bubble over into other aspects of their life whether indirectly or not.
To be honest... as someone who has cheated and been cheated on, I think the mindset of the involved parties and the health of their respective romantic relationships are far more important than the "setup" and how easy or available it makes the opportunity to cheat. Because honestly, unless we spend 100% of our time with our SO/spouse, opportunity is everywhere, all day, every day.
If a particular circumstance makes controlling their actions an insurmountable obstacle for grown adults, then something in either their romantic relationships or their expectations of those relationships needs fixing (or ending). My husband and I have travelled separately with and stayed in hotels with opposite sex friends. It wouldn't ever occur to me to forbid him to do so or be forbidden to do so. The idea of cheating on him is just ludicrous to me.
Having said that... this girl is not me, or Fran, or Adrianne, or Paige, or any of the rest of us and she feels what she feels. If this roommate thing is a done deal with this guy, then all you can do to earn her trust at this point is... be trustworthy. Not only in what you actually do, but be aware of how your words and actions might make her feel even if there is nothing going on.
If a particular circumstance makes controlling their actions an insurmountable obstacle for grown adults, then something in either their romantic relationships or their expectations of those relationships needs fixing (or ending). My husband and I have travelled separately with and stayed in hotels with opposite sex friends. It wouldn't ever occur to me to forbid him to do so or be forbidden to do so. The idea of cheating on him is just ludicrous to me.
Having said that... this girl is not me, or Fran, or Adrianne, or Paige, or any of the rest of us and she feels what she feels. If this roommate thing is a done deal with this guy, then all you can do to earn her trust at this point is... be trustworthy. Not only in what you actually do, but be aware of how your words and actions might make her feel even if there is nothing going on.
No.
But, my husband and I were both friends with/frequently hung out with people we'd dated previously when we met. Neither of us had an issue with it. But we both have zero tolerance for jealous/insecure partners, so we entered into the relationship on that premise. I'll also note that I have, in my younger days, spent many a drunken evening with people I was not in a relationship with and never once did shenanigans happen *shrug*
Different strokes, I suppose
But, my husband and I were both friends with/frequently hung out with people we'd dated previously when we met. Neither of us had an issue with it. But we both have zero tolerance for jealous/insecure partners, so we entered into the relationship on that premise. I'll also note that I have, in my younger days, spent many a drunken evening with people I was not in a relationship with and never once did shenanigans happen *shrug*
Different strokes, I suppose
Fwiw, I didn't make any references for singular, broken up, events but more over repeated exposure and patterning of companionship (which can then more easily cross a line with the influence of what have you).
I don't think protecting ones relationship with intelligent choices is by any means an act of jealousy nor possessiveness nor an attempt to surgically attach at the hip. We do live in a world of grey areas.
I do agree with different strokes, but please don't presume the alternative to a come what may attitude, should that be your ideal, is an insecure control monster.
I don't think protecting ones relationship with intelligent choices is by any means an act of jealousy nor possessiveness nor an attempt to surgically attach at the hip. We do live in a world of grey areas.
I do agree with different strokes, but please don't presume the alternative to a come what may attitude, should that be your ideal, is an insecure control monster.
There really isn't as much drama as the people of this thread think there is. It's one issue. I feel like people are imagining something out of an episode of Maury :rofl1:
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1. He says he loves her, she says he loves him.. I assume they are in love. I am not a professional on their relationship nor do I assume I know what their love means or if their love is true or what kind of love etc..etc..
Do I think it's true perfect soulmate love? No. They aren't that serious yet from what I have seen and 4 months is not a long time.
The point was, he treats her well, they are dating, they are romantic.
I don't think they are "truly in love" frankly, but they are romantic, is what I meant.
2. Yesterday I was moving into a 5 person house, with a roommate (Aka: Bob).. The reason the house was nixed was because Bob and I both had reservations.
Us living together was, has been, and is, the plan.
My boyfriend is fine with the situation, and he knows the truth, all of it. He had his reservations but we've discussed it.
The ups/downs of their relationship is not going to really have any real effect on our living arrangement. Regardless, we are BOTH signing the lease. He is responsible for 12 months, as am I. So in a distant reality where the Boston housing market isn't a nightmare and she up and decides "Me or her!" and he has the money to pay to break the lease... it would be very much his problem/the problem for the property managers.
I have other friends and Boston is full of students, the room wouldn't be hard to fill.
3 bedrooms are too big..and that means going further outside the city a bit. We haven't seen any that really suit us as it was a possibility.
I'm also pretty sure the dinner is going to be fine. I mean, I can imagine people thinking there was like this huge dramatic war and now this dinner is happening but I'm sure she'll be fine once I hang out with her..
and if my BF decided to live with an ex I really would not be bothered. They are exes for a reason and he is even friends with one.. they are his past.
Ironically I would probably want to meet the girl as well.
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1. He says he loves her, she says he loves him.. I assume they are in love. I am not a professional on their relationship nor do I assume I know what their love means or if their love is true or what kind of love etc..etc..
Do I think it's true perfect soulmate love? No. They aren't that serious yet from what I have seen and 4 months is not a long time.
The point was, he treats her well, they are dating, they are romantic.
I don't think they are "truly in love" frankly, but they are romantic, is what I meant.
2. Yesterday I was moving into a 5 person house, with a roommate (Aka: Bob).. The reason the house was nixed was because Bob and I both had reservations.
Us living together was, has been, and is, the plan.
Wow this thread blew up... /states the obvious
Anyway, regardless of their relationship, to me the main thing is -- is their relationship going to cause issues with your roommate relationship. If you guys move in and two months later she puts her foot down and says "her or me" are you going to find yourself without a roommate, possibly without housing again?
And while you don't need to answer this question here of course, just something to consider is -- is your boyfriend cool with this (if you are in a place where that sort of thing is a consideration, that is)?
Is there any neutral third you could add to your housing group and try for a 3-bedroom setup to kind of chill everyone (read: his girlfriend) out?
However it all works out, I hope for the best for everyone involved. Especially you, of course
Anyway, regardless of their relationship, to me the main thing is -- is their relationship going to cause issues with your roommate relationship. If you guys move in and two months later she puts her foot down and says "her or me" are you going to find yourself without a roommate, possibly without housing again?
And while you don't need to answer this question here of course, just something to consider is -- is your boyfriend cool with this (if you are in a place where that sort of thing is a consideration, that is)?
Is there any neutral third you could add to your housing group and try for a 3-bedroom setup to kind of chill everyone (read: his girlfriend) out?
However it all works out, I hope for the best for everyone involved. Especially you, of course
The ups/downs of their relationship is not going to really have any real effect on our living arrangement. Regardless, we are BOTH signing the lease. He is responsible for 12 months, as am I. So in a distant reality where the Boston housing market isn't a nightmare and she up and decides "Me or her!" and he has the money to pay to break the lease... it would be very much his problem/the problem for the property managers.
I have other friends and Boston is full of students, the room wouldn't be hard to fill.
3 bedrooms are too big..and that means going further outside the city a bit. We haven't seen any that really suit us as it was a possibility.
I'm also pretty sure the dinner is going to be fine. I mean, I can imagine people thinking there was like this huge dramatic war and now this dinner is happening but I'm sure she'll be fine once I hang out with her..
and if my BF decided to live with an ex I really would not be bothered. They are exes for a reason and he is even friends with one.. they are his past.
Ironically I would probably want to meet the girl as well.
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I normally think you're pretty awesome, but I think you're a bit naive in this situation.
I've seen a lot of situations like this play out, especially in college and much more often than not, they didn't end well.
The simple fact he didn't think enough of the woman he is supposedly in love with to talk about the situation, he just told her how it was going to be and in turn, talks to you (a person he was romantically involved with, but supposedly has no feelings for now) about the situation and shares texts and thoughts meant to stay between him and his GF tell me the dynamic is much different than you think.
I've seen a lot of situations like this play out, especially in college and much more often than not, they didn't end well.
The simple fact he didn't think enough of the woman he is supposedly in love with to talk about the situation, he just told her how it was going to be and in turn, talks to you (a person he was romantically involved with, but supposedly has no feelings for now) about the situation and shares texts and thoughts meant to stay between him and his GF tell me the dynamic is much different than you think.
I just wanted to clarify/point out that Fran has said Bob has been dating this girl for 4 (FOUR) months. Perhaps her opinion would have more sway if they have been dating a significant amount of time, but four months is a baby relationship. And Fran has said numerous times that its happening. I think she wanted some casual advice on how to make nice with the GF. And if Fran does get burned, so to speak, you can have a thread of I told you so's.
You may not do something yourself, and you can throw warnings out there, but we dont know EVERYTHING about her, Bob, or the relationships they're in. (I also know nothing of big city housing situations.) Fran is a big girl
You may not do something yourself, and you can throw warnings out there, but we dont know EVERYTHING about her, Bob, or the relationships they're in. (I also know nothing of big city housing situations.) Fran is a big girl
Correction.
I asked for advice on living with a roommates in general and opinions on if you would care if your SO lived with a person of an opposite sex.
I wanted to get some perspective on what this girl must be feeling.
Not opinions on wether or not you think this would be a good living situation or opinions on his character.
But hey, this is a forum, people can give their opinions if they want to. Just saying, that's not what this thread was about and certainly not what I asked for.
I don't claim to know that Bob is a good boyfriend. I don't know their dynamic well enough to make that assumption (and neither do you people frankly lol off one instance) but I do know that he's a good person and that, like it or not, we work well and are looking for the same things housing wise and price range wage.. and he loves Merlin. Which makes him a pretty solid roommate choice compared to my other options. Yes this is a city of millions of people, and just as many crazy people lol
I don't think I'm a horrible person for not dropping everything because of what this situation could potentially do to HIS relationship and I don't claim that this situation will not effect his relationship at all. That is his and her problem, not mine.
I do feel the girlfriend's feeling are valid, and am going to have dinner. It's hardly that much to ask really and I shouldn't have made such a huge deal about not wanting to go just because it could potentially maybe be awkward.
As for what this dynamic of those two is going to do with the roomie situation, time will tell. I am pretty confident it won't be that much of an issue. But again, that's not what this thread was about
I'm prepared for it to cause hiccups, and I know there will be hiccups..I've never lived with anyone so I'm OK with things getting a little bumpy.. but I like Bob and overall am pretty thrilled this is happening.
If this blows up, the girlfriend goes to dinner and promptly decides she hates me and Merlin and I end up homeless because of the constant drama and her setting up nannycams to spy on us.. I will go ahead and make a "tell me I told you so" thread :rofl1:
But for now, this is happening and I'm pretty happy about it.
I can see how this thread might've painted an ugly picture of this situation but I am excited to move and for things to come, other than this hiccup, everything has been so positive and we agree on so much.
So naive? Maybe. But hey, how much of that is surprising really? lol
I asked for advice on living with a roommates in general and opinions on if you would care if your SO lived with a person of an opposite sex.
I wanted to get some perspective on what this girl must be feeling.
Not opinions on wether or not you think this would be a good living situation or opinions on his character.
But hey, this is a forum, people can give their opinions if they want to. Just saying, that's not what this thread was about and certainly not what I asked for.
I don't claim to know that Bob is a good boyfriend. I don't know their dynamic well enough to make that assumption (and neither do you people frankly lol off one instance) but I do know that he's a good person and that, like it or not, we work well and are looking for the same things housing wise and price range wage.. and he loves Merlin. Which makes him a pretty solid roommate choice compared to my other options. Yes this is a city of millions of people, and just as many crazy people lol
I don't think I'm a horrible person for not dropping everything because of what this situation could potentially do to HIS relationship and I don't claim that this situation will not effect his relationship at all. That is his and her problem, not mine.
I do feel the girlfriend's feeling are valid, and am going to have dinner. It's hardly that much to ask really and I shouldn't have made such a huge deal about not wanting to go just because it could potentially maybe be awkward.
As for what this dynamic of those two is going to do with the roomie situation, time will tell. I am pretty confident it won't be that much of an issue. But again, that's not what this thread was about
I'm prepared for it to cause hiccups, and I know there will be hiccups..I've never lived with anyone so I'm OK with things getting a little bumpy.. but I like Bob and overall am pretty thrilled this is happening.
If this blows up, the girlfriend goes to dinner and promptly decides she hates me and Merlin and I end up homeless because of the constant drama and her setting up nannycams to spy on us.. I will go ahead and make a "tell me I told you so" thread :rofl1:
But for now, this is happening and I'm pretty happy about it.
I can see how this thread might've painted an ugly picture of this situation but I am excited to move and for things to come, other than this hiccup, everything has been so positive and we agree on so much.
So naive? Maybe. But hey, how much of that is surprising really? lol
And frankly if not letting my boyfriend of 4 months have a say on major life decisions like moving to a city or into an apartment means being this horrible psychopath/bad girlfriend than sign me up because at that stage of dating my boyfriend had ZERO say in my major life choices.
We just weren't there yet.
He would've been informed but it wouldn't have been a discussion. He hadn't earned input yet,we were just starting out. I at that point wouldn't have felt the need to change my life or not for someone who was so new.
My academic life and future professional (/living situation and all the surrounds it) tops love life a lot of the time, but ESPECIALLY at 4 months in.
So it didn't strike me as that odd for him to not discuss it with her or ask her for permission.
My boyfriend applied for a highly prized 5 month internship in cali a while ago, got it, and told me he was going. He was of course nice about it and expressed not wanting to leave me but how important this all was for his future, of course we discussed what our options were relationship wise.. but the idea of me getting a say in him taking it or not? Not even for a minute. And we had been going out for longer than Bob and his girlfriend.
My feelings were not crushed. I understood.
So maybe a bit of perspective.
Just my 2 cents.
We just weren't there yet.
He would've been informed but it wouldn't have been a discussion. He hadn't earned input yet,we were just starting out. I at that point wouldn't have felt the need to change my life or not for someone who was so new.
My academic life and future professional (/living situation and all the surrounds it) tops love life a lot of the time, but ESPECIALLY at 4 months in.
So it didn't strike me as that odd for him to not discuss it with her or ask her for permission.
My boyfriend applied for a highly prized 5 month internship in cali a while ago, got it, and told me he was going. He was of course nice about it and expressed not wanting to leave me but how important this all was for his future, of course we discussed what our options were relationship wise.. but the idea of me getting a say in him taking it or not? Not even for a minute. And we had been going out for longer than Bob and his girlfriend.
My feelings were not crushed. I understood.
So maybe a bit of perspective.
Just my 2 cents.
